You guys are the best.

Thank you for all of your comments on my last post.  It helps to know I’m not alone in this feeling of wanting to escape.  I feel so lucky to have all of you and this community.  What an amazing thing it is….it really blows my mind.  Does it to you?  This support that you’ve shown me these past couple of months is also why I feel the need to apologize for being absent this past week here and for miserably failing ICLW this time around.  I had wanted to reply to all of the comments left (and still will), but I just couldn’t get to it.  I promise to make it up to you all next month.  For those that found me for the first time, thanks for stopping by and letting me know.  I look forward to checking out your blogs and discovering your stories.

I want to give you guys a heads up that I might step away for a few more days and continue to not be very present.  I might pop-up here and there, but I’ve been having a rough go these last few weeks and just need to clear my head.  Normally this is where I’d do that, but lately I’ve been struggling for some reason.

I hope you guys have a great week.  I’ll miss you.

– Courtney

The runaway.

All my life I’ve wanted to run away when things get bad.  When I was a freshman in college in North Carolina, I called my parents late at night, crying from a phone booth so my roommate couldn’t hear.  I wanted to go home.  I hated being so far away from my family (they were in Maine at the time) and I had had it.  My dad told me to go back in, pack up my stuff, and leave.  Just like that.  It was the middle of the semester and he told me to come home.  From that moment on, something changed.  I think just needed to know that option was there, that they’d support me if that was the choice I needed to make.  I never left.

But even though I never left, that thought was always there when things got rough.  I can always leave. Fast forward 5 years and I was living in another part of North Carolina and I felt like my life had spiraled downward again.  I was out of school, clueless as to what to do next, and my boyfriend had just left me for his best friend.  What did I want to do?  I wanted to leave.  So this time I did.  I moved back up north and settled in Rhode Island near my sister.  Things went swimmingly for me for a long time.  Until I fell in love with a married (but separated at the time!) man.  As you’re probably beginning to gather, that didn’t work out so hot.  So, I was unhappy for much of the remaining 4 years of my time in RI — not all because of him, but he certainly had a large part of it.  Years later I finally gathered up enough strength to make a move again.  Granted, my inability to be with the man that I loved was not the sole reason I wanted to leave.  He doesn’t get that much credit.  But I’d be lying to say that that wasn’t an added bonus of moving to the other side of the country.    So off I went to California.  A few weeks later I meet and fall hard for a man that not only seems to have permanent roots to this town that are stubbornly immune to even a saw, he has a kid whose mother is still in the picture who lives very close by.  Moving is not an option.  I realized early on that that’s a huge reason why I was meant to find Tim, I needed someone that forced me to stay when things got rough.  (He also took care of that other pesky problem mentioned above as I learned what love really was.  Plus, I use him for his body –  good things all around.)

This year has tested that desire to move to the nth degree.  Numerous times I have just wanted to run away.  Somehow it felt like if I left the house I miscarried in and the people who knew me when it happened, it would’ve all been been just a bad dream.  But we stayed and I dealt with it even though it felt impossible at times.  And now I’m at an impasse with a friend here and it’s awful.  I don’t want it to be like this.  The back and forth she and I are doing is just making me so sad.  So last night I begged Tim to move.  I was even close to offering up whatever I could – body, soul, bank account – to just get him to budge.  But that’s not going to solve anything and I should know that by now.  I need to learn to let go of things and to not let them effect me so much, but it’s just so damn hard.  It’s like I feel too much.  How do I make that stop?  I’ve actually gotten better over the years with Tim’s help, but some things I just can’t free myself of.  And I can’t shake the feeling that moving would do that for me.

Dealing with the grief of all of this is painful enough on it’s own, why do we have to deal with the awful social part of it to?  I just spent a year facing my sadness head-on and don’t know if I have the energy to face this, too.  But I have to.  She’s a friend and this is what we have to do.  I’m just so tired.  And Seattle is looking better and better….

It’s something.

I had a totally different post planned for today but I just don’t have it in me.  So how about a list of random facts started by my dusty uterus?  Yeah?  Okay.  Here you go.

Twenty-Six

1. Age: 31.
2. Blog Title Inspiration: I currently live in the town of Bodega, California (not to be confused with Bodega Bay — they’re different!) and my blog started out as a pregnancy blog to keep my family and friends back home up-to-date with my pregnancy.  So put those two together, and they were supposed to equal Bodega Bliss.  After 3 miscarriages, it’s been anything but blissful.
3. Chore You Hate: Cleaning the bathroom.  Putting away my clothes.  Putting away the dishes…um, all chores?
4. Day at the Beach or Cozy Rainy Day? I may be in the minority here, but give me a cozy rainy day and I’m a happy camper.
5. Essential Start Your Day Item: It used to be coffee.  Oh how I miss coffee. Tea is such a sad replacement for that delicious beverage.  Now I have nothing to look forward to.  Sigh.
6. Favorite Color: Green
7. Gold or Silver? Silver (but I can actually wear both and am, in fact, wearing gold right now because they’re green!)
8. Height: 5’7″.
9. Instruments You Play: Guitar hero drums.
10. Job Title: Program Coordinator
11. Kids: 7-year-old step-daughter.
12. Live: See number 2.
13. Mom’s Name: It begins with an L (hi mom!).
14. Book Currently on Your Nightstand: I tend to read more than one book at a time and right now it’s Pregnancy After Loss (no, I’m not pregnant) by Carol Cirulli Lanham and Kitchen Confidential by Anthony Bourdain.  Not-so-fun fact: Up until a year ago, I had worked in restaurants for 16 years.  It was 15.9 years too long…and this book is so right about it all.
15. Nickname: Court (plus my dad calls me Buggy, but no one is allowed to call me that but him).
16. Overnight Hospital Stays? Not yet!
17. Pet Peeve: Currently, it’s people that make assumptions.  Why, why, why?!  Also: cabinet doors left open.
18. Quote from a Movie: If you’re gonna spew, spew into this! (hehehe)
19. Right or Left Handed? Right.
20. Siblings: One older sister (hi M!).
21. Time You Wake Up? My alarm goes off at 6:55, but I don’t get out of bed until 7:35.  Don’t hate me because I’m a snoozer.
22. Underwear: Hiphuggers.
23. Vegetable You Dislike: Celery.
24. What Makes You Run Late: See number 21.
25. Yummy Food You Make: I’m a damn good pizza maker (if I do say so myself).  And I finally perfected my dough just this past year.
26. Zoo, Favorite Animal: Do they have cows in zoos?

So there you go.  Copy and paste the list!

I rocked Seattle

See?

Keep an eye out on my world tour — dates coming soon to a city near you.

I loved Seattle just like I thought I would. If I didn’t love my job and my step-daughter’s mom didn’t live here, I’d be begging Tim to move there tomorrow. It was just the city I had always imagined. And of course, the time spent with my friend S was just what we both needed. I’m surprised I still have my voice after the amount of talking we did. It was perfect. Cold….but perfect.

Here are some pictures that pretty much sum it up (with the exception of a picture of S and I on the couch gabbing. That may not have been very exciting for you to see.).

Pike Place market was just as you would imagine. Unfortunately, it was even more packed than usual because it was actually sunny as well as a long weekend. But I still enjoyed it. Not to mention the delicious fish sandwich I had. Mmmmm.

This is the Fremont Troll in, well, Fremont. The Troll was designed by some local artists in a competition back in the early 90’s. The story is pretty cool, here’s a snippet from our friend Wikipedia. Unfortunately, the picture of me on it is on my real camera and the chances of getting it alone is about 0.000002%. So instead you get to see some random kids.

No explanation needed for this one, I believe. But I do want to mention that we got a chance to check out the Experience Music Project which is just at the base of the needle and starting April 16th, there’s going to be an exhibit on Nirvana and I’ve already planned my visit back this summer specifically for that. (MO, wanna come? I know you want to!) Even without going in, it was pretty cool. We sat in the entrance way for a while just listening to the music and watching the lights. We decided not to spend the money to go into the exhibits because Jimmy Hendrix (don’t hate me) didn’t appeal to us as much as Nirvana, but I’m sure if we had, we would’ve loved it.

This one is for Tim (he’s skateboarder). Pretty cool it was right by the space needle. Plus, S and I got to feel like high school girls for a minute while all the boys showed off for us.

Besides grunge, I’ve dreamt of the coffee in Seattle. And it did not disappoint. Mmmmm.

This mobile is in the Sea-Tac airport and it was breathtaking. The picture does not do it justice. It’s made up of tiny birds and fish hung from strings and I didn’t understand why I was the only one marveling at it. Here: this will give you a better idea of what it looks like.

And finally, this was my (pre)view of Mt. Rainier on my flight home. Talk about breathtaking.

Thank you so much, S. I had such a good weekend and every time I see you, it’s like no time has passed. I’m so lucky to have you.

And welcome ICLWers! I’m sorry I was MIA yesterday. I promise to be around the rest of the week from here on out. And also, please feel free to read my About page which includes my TTC timeline. I know you found me because of what you’re going through and let me say how sorry I am for that. But at the same time, welcome to this incredible support group. I feel blessed to have found them and I hope you do, too.

Okay…off to make up for lack of commenting yesterday!

Posts from the Past: #3

Since I’m out of town, I thought I’d leave you with another post from the past.  This post was one I had written about 3 weeks before I left to move out here, and the effects of that decision to leave were hitting me one by one.  It’s fun for me to look back at the words here and know what was in store for this girl.  There was a lot of fear in letting go of a hope (of love) that had been there for 4 years.  But in less than two months, she would unexpectedly find what she had been looking for all along.  And the rest?  It all fell into place (and then some).

—

(In an effort to help remind myself how I got here and what helped make me who I am today, I’m revisiting some posts from my past.  This was originally posted December 22, 2006.  You can read the intro to this series here , Post #1 here and Post #2 here.)

Ramblings.

This is hard. Things are hitting me one by one, relationships are shifting, some ending. I think I’m doing well, but then I look at myself from another view, and I fear I’m just hiding it all in the rush of excitement of what’s about to come. I see the people around me changing, or staying the same, but my presense having no effect on it, no part in it. Do I still want to be a part in it? Or is it because I already made a conscious decision, that I hold no weight in any of it? I want this, I feel wholly that it’s the right move…but there’s a part that I feel hasn’t hit me yet. I see so many around me getting what they’ve wanted, creating the life they’ve always felt should be theirs, and I’m in the process of doing the same…but the part of me that’s scared keeps making my stomach turn, my heart weaken. The disappointments that have occurred over the past few days have tested my strength. The strength is profoundly present, I feel a difference between the me now and the me four years ago…but that same part of me is what wants what I wanted then. And I don’t know why, but that’s the part of me that is making me uneasy. Maybe because I feel it’s the very same part of me that thinks I still won’t get it. I’ll still end up disappointed in the end. That since I failed at finding it here, I might fail at finding it there. So how do I silence that part of me? That negative part, that part that keeps having to resurface with each heartache, each dead end, each misread?

This has been a hard week. Today someone that I, at one time, thought would be the person I would spend my life with, closed the possibility of that ever happening. Flipped the switch. Told me what I had been waiting to hear for 3 years now, something that would finally allow me to stop. hoping. But it’s happening right before I leave. 3 weeks before I leave. So which is it? Is it because I’m leaving, or because it’s the truth?

I think it’s the ease at which I’m taking this all that’s throwing me off. I haven’t broken down since he told me he didn’t think he’d ever leave her. Why haven’t I broken down? Am I stronger? Or has it just not hit me? And if that’s the case, when will it hit?

3 weeks feels like 3 decades. This week has felt like a month. These years, have felt like a lifetime.

I just hope I’m ready for the next. I think I am. I just need to make it there.

My flannel shirt is packed.

Well guys, I’m off!  I’m headed to Seattle for the weekend to visit my wonderful friend S and I can hardly contain myself!  Ever since Pearl Jam and grunge consumed me in my adolescence, I’ve dreamt of going to Seattle.  My friend moved there not long ago and gave me a great excuse to finally live out my dream.  There may not be grunge bands and long hair, but there’s going to be sightseeing, coffee-consuming, girl-talk, and laughter.  I think that sounds even better.

Hope you have a great weekend!

(llustration courtesy of Design*Sponge)

I gave birth in a lobby.

Last night I had a dream that I can’t get out of my head, so now you get to hear about it.  Up until today, I had never dreamt of my baby.  I have been pregnant in my dreams, but never anything worth noting, and they have never ended in birth.  Early this morning, I dreamt I gave birth (in a lobby no less) to the most perfect 6-lb-something little baby.  The birth was so easy and quick, at one point I realized I should ask the doctor if I tore (ha!).  I remember thinking it didn’t feel like I did and saying to myself: Wow!  I must be lucky!  But the best part of the dream – the part that keeps coming to mind – was the moment I breast fed for the first time.  My chest was bare and the little one was still naked, and I could feel the light weight of his/her body in my arms (I was also sitting in a wheelchair for some reason, but whatever).  The baby immediately latched on and I felt…complete.  For the next few minutes I just kept looking down at this little baby, beaming with joy.

I was then abruptly woken by a critter in our walls* rearranging it’s furniture (who I’d now like to kill for waking me up from this dream) and I tried to fall back asleep to it, but I wasn’t able to.  It just felt so real.  That little baby was mine…happiness in a dream has never been so palpable.**

—

*We live in a late-1800’s converted barn, critters are part of the territory.

**Honestly, I don’t know if it’s the no-tearing that makes me happier, or the baby!

I made some friends. Don’t be jealous.

Last Sunday I had the opportunity to get out of town for a little bit to meet up with a girlfriend for lunch and a movie.  The day was a little cool, but it was clear and beautiful.  On my way home, I was enjoying the music in my car and the sun on my arms, I took a detour and went with it.  I drove down a quiet road surrounded by green fields, rolling hills and happy cows.  After my days prior, I was feeling a calm and quiet happiness that I didn’t want to let go of.   I even documented it so the next time I’m feeling like I had been on Friday, I could look at this picture and remember:

This is how I feel when I’m happy.  (Courtney: remember this.)

And these are my feet:

I don’t really need to remember what they look like.

And this was to my right:

Further down the road, I stopped to say hi to this guy:

But then these guys wanted to come and say hi, too:

And these guys didn’t want to be left out:

I must have been very interesting:

But I really liked this guy:

And in a matter of minutes, I had seven new friends:

Guys, you should know something about me: I love cows.  It’s almost become a problem since I moved here.  I’ve even come close to running off the road a couple of times straining to see the cows on my way home.  There’s just something about them that makes me smile.  I’m actually considering moving to India.  Okay, not really, but at least they appreciate them there!

It was an afternoon I had been needing.  It felt good to be by myself outside of the house and not at work.  And seriously, just look at those cows!  I tried to fit them all in my car, but only a couple would fit so I had to give up.  Someday, I’m going to have a pet cow and no, Tim, you’re not going to be able to eat him.

An upside to miscarriage?

When MO first posted the “upside” to miscarrying, I thought she was crazy.  How is there a possible upside to this?  Then I read it and was totally on board with everything she said, but had a difficult time finding a positive for myself.  The idea has now sat with me for a couple of weeks since she posted it…and I’ve began to find my own upsides.

I believe the biggest thing to come out of this is that the amount of compassion that I have for human beings has grown immensely.  Now when I hear of someone going through something awful and traumatic, someone crippled by grief, I want to drop everything and just hold them.  Strangers or loved ones, I just want to be there to listen to them.  To not judge.  To not offer any advice.  To just listen.  Of course I want to erase their pain and their current hell, but I can’t, so instead I give them my shoulder to cry on.  You see, that’s all they need – judging is a waste of time.  I wouldn’t have ever known this if I hadn’t been on this side of things.  Before this past year, I had never experienced grief on this level.  I’m sure I judged and offered unsolicited advice and thought someone should be over it already.  But never again.   And although others may disagree with how I handled things – believing I should have given more attention to them – I don’t regret a single way I handled my grief.  Everything that I have done has led me to this point…a point where I’m finally beginning to see hope and light.  I may have shut people out, but I had to.  It wasn’t my intention to alienate, but I wasn’t even thinking about that.  I was thinking of me.  I was being selfish.  And I don’t regret it.  For once in my life, I don’t regret being selfish.  Part of that selfishness made people uncomfortable.  But I’m not sorry.  For those of you that don’t know me, I am the type of person who is a horrible liar; you see me and you know what I’m thinking and how I’m feeling.  I wear all my emotions on my face (sleeves are for sissies) and I couldn’t pretend I wasn’t sad.  Sure, somedays I tried to hide it a little better than others.  But not when I was in the thick of it.  Not when the sadness was weighing me down and making everything around me dark.  I refused to put a smile on my face, regardless of how it was going to make others feel.  And I don’t regret it.  Those that really know me, there were there regardless…waiting for when I came out of the dark.

I may be have gotten a little sidetracked there on that little rant that needed to come out, but what I mean to say is not only do I have more compassion, I now know more about myself because of this year than I think I would have at this point if I hadn’t of had 3 miscarriages.  Not that I’m saying I’d take a better understanding of myself over having a child, but it’s something.  I’m more confident as a woman.  Not just in my mind, but in my body.  I’ve hinted to it before, but I’ve struggled with being comfortable with the way I look.  There was a period in time where I was that lasted a year or so, but I was in my early 20’s then and had a different metabolism then.  It was a week or so ago that I realized it had been a long time since I criticized myself in the mirror.  I’ve been so focused on my inner workings and trying to find out how to get them to work properly, that I forgot about my insecurities on the outside.  They just didn’t seem to matter any more.    Now don’t get me wrong, I’m a Libra and still very much vain, so I won’t be letting myself go any time soon.  But seeing my body as more than a flabby belly and jiggly arms…is a relief.  Sure, it disappointed me by not keeping my babies safe.  But it was just doing it’s job.  And as much as I disagree with it’s choices, I have to admit it’s still pretty amazing.  This type of confidence was one I looked forward to finding when I became a mother…and even though there’s no evidence of those children, I still have the admiration for my body I had hoped for.

And I’m sure there are many more things I can think of that I’ve gained from this.  But those are important ones for me – ones that have come to light recently and that I wanted to recognize for myself.  Thanks for making me think about this, MO.   You should go and read her list if you haven’t already…I completely agree on pretty much all of them.  I think because of everything we’ve gone through, our future children will have been mothers (and fathers) because of it.

Ass pain. Not to be confused with a pain-in-the-ass. Which, it’s that too.

Don’t you love the posts that start out saying they really have nothing to say, but they’re posting anyway?  But I just feel like I have nothing to say of substance, except I still want to post.  So now you get to hear about my lovely ovarian cyst:  I’ve been plagued by another one and this one is a real bitch.  I’ve had excrutiating pain from it now for over a week and it gets worse by the end of the day if I’ve been sitting for hours (which I usually am).  It’s so bad that my ass hurts.  No really.  For the life of me I couldn’t figure out why the hell my ass (well, right above my ass on either side of my tailbone — I’m sure there’s a proper name for this area but my brain is mush these days so I’m going with ass) was sore like I had run a thousand billion stairs when I’ve done nothing of the sorts.  Last night I finally remembered that when I was going to the acupuncturist last year for my cysts, he would put a needle in this very area and I would instantly feel it in my ovary.  It was insane how instant.  It was almost like he had stabbed me with a knife so long it actually hit my ovary on the other side.  So I realized last night as I hobbled around the kitchen that my stupid ass hurts because of this damn bitch of a cyst.  In addition to that, I feel like I’m walking hobbling on egg shells because I don’t want it to burst because I know at this point it’s so big it’s going to be super painful.  And guys?  I’ve been cyst-pain-free for months now (with the exception of the burst the day after Christmas, but there was no pain prior to it), so why is it all of a sudden doing this to me again?  And the cyst pain is enough, do I really have to deal with ass pain, too?

In other news, the rain is back and I’m looooving it.  It’s so hard to grow-up on the East coast where you’re used to weather and then to have none almost year round just feels wrong.  There is no excuse to stay inside!  All this pressure of the sun shining is just too much.

(And then, don’t you love, that they always actually have something to say?)