September.

I look forward to September all year. Not only is it my birthday month, it’s the month where I eagerly hit the newsstand or peek into my mailbox for the September issues of my favorite magazines. I pile them up, grab a coffee and blanket and settle in. I have a somewhat embarrassing love for magazines…and as a result, September is like Christmas to me.

It’s the little things.

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That concludes the August Break!  It was quite a nice distraction for me and I think I’ll try to include more pictures in my daily posts.  Thanks for so many positive comments on my photos, I’m glad so many of you enjoyed it as well!

Also, there will be a proper thanks in a post coming up, but I want to say now before it goes any longer that I am so appreciative of all of your comments on my post last week.  It was a tough week for me, but reading all of your support helped me tremendously, so thank you so much.  

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p.s.  Speaking of Beyonce (above)…I’m trying really hard not to be mad at her because I really like her.  I’m happy her and Jay-Z are going to have a baby and be parents and blah blah blah, but I was so mad at her when she flipped open her jacket on the VMA’s and rubbed her belly in a circle a gazillion and one times.  One would’ve been enough, B!  I don’t know why it bothered me so much, it really doesn’t bother me to see women do that, but something about that being her announcement to the world about her pregnancy bugged me.  I think it was her innocence behind it.  She has no idea what it’s like to be on this side of things, so I was – of course – envious of the utter joy in her smile and so incredibly angry that I never get to feel that.  Yet, she has every right to feel that way and rub her belly as many times as she wants, and I’m so glad she doesn’t need to know what this pain feels like.  So I guess it’s all my issue!  Go figure.  

So anyway.  Yeah.  Beyonce.  

Hard day on the job.

I brought Took with me to work today and I turn my back for one minute and find him like this:

Good thing the boss was out today or he would’ve been fired for sleeping on the job.

Happy Birthday, my love.

Happy Happy, my handsome man.

It was hard to do, but someone had to lie there all day.

I wish I could transport myself back here right this very minute.

Cheerwine.

I found this at a sandwich shop on campus and with one sip I was transported back to university in North Carolina.  You can’t usually find this outside of the southeast (maybe even NC?) and I was elated to see it.  For a brief moment, it gave me a much needed happiness.  With one sip, it transported me back to a time that was so much simpler and a whole hell of a lot easier.

The chair of disappointment.

I have no idea what it’s like to sit in this chair and feel anything but fear and devastation.  The fact that the majority of women associate this with utter joy is unfathomable to me.  As a result, it’s impossible for me to believe it will ever be that for me.  I climb up bracing myself for what will come next.

Today the nurse asked me if I’ve ever had an internal ultrasound and I actually laughed.  I told her I’ve had so many, there’s no way to count.  I did, however, refrain from calling my intimate friend LaWanda (ahem) even though I really really wanted to.

The appointment was just as I expected – she found nothing new and told me all we could do was to try again.  She did confirm that I had endometriosis and the cyst that has been ever-present on my left ovary will be there for life.  I’m thinking I need to come up with a name for it since I’ve become so familiar with it and it’s apparently not going any where anytime soon.  She said it shouldn’t be a problem pregnancy-wise for me since I can still get pregnant, but eventually I may want to remove it or go on birth control pills to suppress the symptoms of it (which for me is constant severe on-and-off pain all month).  We also did more tests since the majority of mine were a year ago after the third loss, so we’ll see what they show, if anything.  I’m betting everything on the latter.

I certainly didn’t expect to have so many emotions today.  I couldn’t stop the tears from falling…there was just a constant stream.  I know I’ve said this a thousand times, but I’m just so tired of it all.  I was walking down the street after the appointment and a man was getting into his car and said to me, “You look so tired.”  A stranger.  Awesome.  He then offered me a ride, which was a little uncomfortable, but whatever.  Later a student asked if I was okay today.  I thought I was faking it okay, but apparently not. Or maybe I just can’t fake it any more.  Two years of faking that I’m okay for 8 or so hours a day is getting old.

Two more days of this course and then I’m going to sleep for the next two.  Or maybe I just won’t wake up for a month or ten.  Will you wake me when it’s all over?

I need to get all of this out.

I haven’t been able to blog much this month besides the photos, and it’s been frustrating because the things swimming around in my head haven’t been able to get out and that doesn’t make for a very settled feeling inside.  I keep trying to find time to get on here and it doesn’t come, and it’s been very disappointing.

Today I’m meeting with a Reproductive Endocrinologist at one of the top reproductive clinics in the country and I can’t figure out how I feel.  I can’t remember if I’ve admitted this yet on here, but I honestly feel like I’m not going to be able to do this.  That I’ll have one more loss and that will be it.  I can’t do this for much more.  This sadness and grief that is ever-present is just so tiring and to think about prolonging that for another 2 years…it’s too much to bear.  I’ve felt a weight pulling me down for two years now that I can’t even remember what it feels like to be truly happy.

If I can’t do this, I need to move on.  I need to find a way to get my happiness back and I honestly know that won’t be possible until this chapter has been closed.  I’m scared to death that the last page will turn and there will still be no baby there to fill this hole.  I’m scared to live with that hole that will undoubtedly never go away for the rest of my life.

I feel like the only other option for us will be surrogacy.  But the cost of that is frightening; the only way for us to do be able to afford it would be to find someone we know – friend or family – to do it for us.  But how do you ever ask someone that?  How would you ever repay that person for giving you the biggest gift imaginable?  I would forever feel indebted, unable to show them how incredibly grateful I am.  I wonder how I would handle it.  I’m the type of person who thinks about others before myself, to the point where I will do whatever it takes to keep them happy, at the cost of my own happiness….how would I ever be able to handle the pressure I’d put on myself to show my appreciation?  I don’t see it being possible.

Yet I don’t see another way to do this.  Adoption is out of the question, and I would most likely just miscarry an embryo through IVF, so it’s down to these two options – trying one more time and most likely miscarrying, or surrogacy.  What the hell.  Do you know how shitty that is?  I’m supposed to be able to do this.  I’m supposed to be able to procreate, and yet I’m failing.  I know it’s not me or my fault or blah blah blah….but ultimately, how can you deny that my body has failed to what it’s supposed to do?  How can people honestly see a way around that explanation?

I’m excited for the appointment only because I’ll finally be able to talk to a specialist, except my excitement stops there because my gut is telling me they won’t be able to tell me anything new.  That they’ll say I just need to try again while we cross our fingers.  How long will they tell me that?  How many more losses will result in that very same approach?  I think I have one more in me, then I’ve reached my limit.  I just can’t do this to myself any more.  4 losses are more than any one should ever have to go through and 5 is an even more overwhelming number.

I realize this has been just one long release of emotions…but they’ve been bottled up in me for a while now because I’ve been working so much I’ve had no time to get it out and that’s what this blog is supposed to be for.  I’m afraid the RE is in for an emotional meeting with a very upset patient in a few hours.  I can’t believe I’m at this point where I need help doing this.  How did I get here?

3 years.

Yesterday Tim and I celebrated our 3rd wedding anniversary by going to a spa in Sonoma.  We submerged ourselves in  hot springs, then spent the rest of the day lounging by the pool.  It was luxurious.  We haven’t spent that kind of time together in a long time and it was really wonderful.  I had planned on writing a post to my love (hi love!) on that day, but I decided maybe I should just spend it with him instead.  Besides, at this point I honestly don’t think I could ever express how much he means to me in words on a screen.  The way that he loves me, the way he makes me laugh and holds me when I can’t, how he challenges me to be a better person…I never knew it could be like this.  2 of our 3 years of marriage have been spent battling with my body and grief, and our marriage has grown tremendously as a result.  Even though he won’t admit it, there have been some tough moments between us through all of this….but in the end, it has made us so much stronger.  I couldn’t be more thankful that he’s the one by my side.

I love you with all my heart, Tim.  Thank you for everything you’ve done for me in the last three years and for sticking by me through all of this.  Let’s make number 4 a good one.

Future surfer.

Pie Ranch.

Today on our way down to Santa Cruz we drove by Pie Ranch. Tim remembered the owner attended the same Farm and Garden program as he did, so we stopped in to check it out. It was absolutely charming. She wasn’t there, but we sat at the picnic table and ate the sweetest strawberries and a delicious peach galette. It was perfect. These little places are what I love the most about traveling.