Transitioning to positive

27 Aug

Tonight Tim and I are going to visit the hospital where we plan to give birth.  I’ve been really excited for this because I’m a planner and I need to be able to visualize things in order to better plan.  There are supposedly new birthing suites that are really nice, with your own room and shower.  I’ve been looking forward to this for a while now, and I’m really excited to see where we’ll be welcoming this little girl into our lives.

Except, I’m not sure why I hadn’t thought of this before now, but it’s the same hospital where I’ve had to leave 2 of my babies behind and there may be some difficulty walking into those doors tonight.  I mean, the thought had crossed my mind that I’d be giving birth in the same place I had my D&Cs, but I guess I was choosing to ignore it.  But now that I’m facing it, I’m nervous.  Walking through those doors where all I’ve ever felt is sadness, fear, and grief, may not be easy for me.

I remember after both surgeries having a hard time leaving the hospital.  What remained of our babies were no longer in me, I was empty and I was leaving them behind in the fluorescent lights and medical waste receptacles, not in my arms.  Those moments still stand out to me.  I left my hopes and dreams behind in those sterile and cold walls; going home was the last thing I wanted to do, where only tears and devastation were waiting for me.

I know I have been given a gift to turn these experiences into something positive.  To make that hospital into one that will give us life, instead of one that takes it away – a gift that so many have unfairly not been given, and I do not take that lightly.  I know that if I can get past the initial sadness it may give to me, it will be followed with so much joy and love.  And for that, I am deeply blessed.

Nothing will take away from what I’ve gone through.  Nothing will erase the pain of those losses, of having my babies so unfairly taken from me.  But tonight I will walk in focusing on the little being inside of me, the one that is still thriving and growing – the one that fought so hard to be here – while remembering the ones that came before her.  It’s time for me to reclaim my hopes and dreams, and finally take them home with me.


10 Responses to “Transitioning to positive”

  1. Courtney August 27, 2012 at 12:51 pm #

    What a nice post! I will be thinking of you tonight! I am so stinking excited for you!

  2. cassiedash August 27, 2012 at 3:35 pm #

    Beautiful post! Thinking of you tonight, as you plan for your future…

  3. luna August 27, 2012 at 3:45 pm #

    I love the last line. think of it as full circle.
    getting close now!

  4. Justine August 27, 2012 at 8:55 pm #

    Beautiful, empowered post … I’m so happy that you’ve arrived at this point … that you feel like you are ready to reclaim your dreams, and see the hospital as a place of hope.

  5. tasivfer August 29, 2012 at 5:56 pm #

    I had a hard time leaving the hospital where my son was born because it was also where my son born too early had been born. The worst time was when I was waiting downstairs for my husband to collect me. Waiting in the same place I waited when I left the hospital alone. Crying, with a newborn people kept admiring. Any time I have to go back I now have found a back door to the hospital. And now I do have some happy memories there. But it is hard. Create your happy memories, but treasure the others as well.

  6. eighteenyears August 31, 2012 at 4:49 am #

    I hope your soon to be happiest memory will make the sadder ones easier to bear.

  7. theyellowblanket September 4, 2012 at 6:03 pm #

    You are lovely and so is your blog:

  8. jaclyn @ September 21, 2012 at 3:09 pm #

    It is so hard to be at the same place of where your loss is… you will always hold a special place for them!

  9. Whitney September 28, 2012 at 5:40 pm #

    It’s been a while. Just stopping by to say hi and best wishes. I guess this fear will never go away. Hugs!

  10. l October 11, 2012 at 7:50 am #

    closing in on finish ~ and start. All good wishes.

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