Tonight Tim and I are going to visit the hospital where we plan to give birth. I’ve been really excited for this because I’m a planner and I need to be able to visualize things in order to better plan. There are supposedly new birthing suites that are really nice, with your own room and shower. I’ve been looking forward to this for a while now, and I’m really excited to see where we’ll be welcoming this little girl into our lives.
Except, I’m not sure why I hadn’t thought of this before now, but it’s the same hospital where I’ve had to leave 2 of my babies behind and there may be some difficulty walking into those doors tonight. I mean, the thought had crossed my mind that I’d be giving birth in the same place I had my D&Cs, but I guess I was choosing to ignore it. But now that I’m facing it, I’m nervous. Walking through those doors where all I’ve ever felt is sadness, fear, and grief, may not be easy for me.
I remember after both surgeries having a hard time leaving the hospital. What remained of our babies were no longer in me, I was empty and I was leaving them behind in the fluorescent lights and medical waste receptacles, not in my arms. Those moments still stand out to me. I left my hopes and dreams behind in those sterile and cold walls; going home was the last thing I wanted to do, where only tears and devastation were waiting for me.
I know I have been given a gift to turn these experiences into something positive. To make that hospital into one that will give us life, instead of one that takes it away – a gift that so many have unfairly not been given, and I do not take that lightly. I know that if I can get past the initial sadness it may give to me, it will be followed with so much joy and love. And for that, I am deeply blessed.
Nothing will take away from what I’ve gone through. Nothing will erase the pain of those losses, of having my babies so unfairly taken from me. But tonight I will walk in focusing on the little being inside of me, the one that is still thriving and growing – the one that fought so hard to be here – while remembering the ones that came before her. It’s time for me to reclaim my hopes and dreams, and finally take them home with me.