For me, one of the most frustrating parts of losing four babies and making it as far as I did with them, is the weight I’ve put on and then weeks later had to lose once they were gone. This last time has been the worst. Not only have my boobs morphed permanently into something I’d rather not see, I’ve got this pudge all around that’s haunting me. I know it’s
partly my fault. After each loss I tend to be not very nice to my body for a few weeks (or months), eating anything I want in defiance of another baby gone. Following the previous three losses, I didn’t care so much how I looked because at that point, it was still worth it because the next time? It was going to work. What were a few pounds? But this time, the hope I still had before isn’t there to mask what I see in the mirror.
I don’t feel good about myself, and I know a large part of it is the extreme disappointment I feel in my body. I know I need to forgive myself, but it’s not easy when your entire life you assume that when the time comes to try for a baby, your body will do what it’s supposed to do. It was easier to forgive myself after 1 or 2 – even 3 – but I’m having a much harder time this time around. Now reality is hitting and it’s been really difficult for me to come to peace with that. I know my family and friends want to see the old Courtney back, the one that laughs and smiles and jokes; but the truth is, after this last year and a half, I don’t know who this new Courtney is. I know the old one is still in there, but she’s changed with each loss. I’m not the same person I was two years ago, and it’s really challenging to figure out who I am now. After 29 years of believing one thing, a few months is an awfully short time to switch gears. I think so many people who haven’t gone through this don’t realize the transition that’s having to be made internally. It’s monumental.
The worst part is my therapist has been gone at a workshop since right before I lost the baby. The last time I saw her I was 8 weeks and 3 days pregnant, breaking down in fear that I was going to lose that one, too. I miss my time with her. She’s helped me tremendously throughout all of this, and I can see the difference in my mind without her. She doesn’t come back for another month! She did give me contact information for a colleague of hers that I could go see while she’s gone, but I don’t want to talk to someone new. It takes me a while to feel comfortable with a therapist, I’d just be getting used to her by the time mine came back. Plus, it’s nice to save the extra $180 a month I’m not spending on therapy.
I want to go back to the Courtney that liked who she was and felt comfortable in her skin. I’m proud of making it through these past two years, but my pride stops there. The way I feel about my body is effecting so much – my work, my marriage, my daily actions. I don’t know how to get back to a place where I honor myself. That’s what it’s all about, honoring what it has gone through for your dreams, appreciating what it’s done despite the losses. I’m still breathing….perhaps I need to start there.