I need to get all of this out.

25 Aug

I haven’t been able to blog much this month besides the photos, and it’s been frustrating because the things swimming around in my head haven’t been able to get out and that doesn’t make for a very settled feeling inside.  I keep trying to find time to get on here and it doesn’t come, and it’s been very disappointing.

Today I’m meeting with a Reproductive Endocrinologist at one of the top reproductive clinics in the country and I can’t figure out how I feel.  I can’t remember if I’ve admitted this yet on here, but I honestly feel like I’m not going to be able to do this.  That I’ll have one more loss and that will be it.  I can’t do this for much more.  This sadness and grief that is ever-present is just so tiring and to think about prolonging that for another 2 years…it’s too much to bear.  I’ve felt a weight pulling me down for two years now that I can’t even remember what it feels like to be truly happy.

If I can’t do this, I need to move on.  I need to find a way to get my happiness back and I honestly know that won’t be possible until this chapter has been closed.  I’m scared to death that the last page will turn and there will still be no baby there to fill this hole.  I’m scared to live with that hole that will undoubtedly never go away for the rest of my life.

I feel like the only other option for us will be surrogacy.  But the cost of that is frightening; the only way for us to do be able to afford it would be to find someone we know – friend or family – to do it for us.  But how do you ever ask someone that?  How would you ever repay that person for giving you the biggest gift imaginable?  I would forever feel indebted, unable to show them how incredibly grateful I am.  I wonder how I would handle it.  I’m the type of person who thinks about others before myself, to the point where I will do whatever it takes to keep them happy, at the cost of my own happiness….how would I ever be able to handle the pressure I’d put on myself to show my appreciation?  I don’t see it being possible.

Yet I don’t see another way to do this.  Adoption is out of the question, and I would most likely just miscarry an embryo through IVF, so it’s down to these two options – trying one more time and most likely miscarrying, or surrogacy.  What the hell.  Do you know how shitty that is?  I’m supposed to be able to do this.  I’m supposed to be able to procreate, and yet I’m failing.  I know it’s not me or my fault or blah blah blah….but ultimately, how can you deny that my body has failed to what it’s supposed to do?  How can people honestly see a way around that explanation?

I’m excited for the appointment only because I’ll finally be able to talk to a specialist, except my excitement stops there because my gut is telling me they won’t be able to tell me anything new.  That they’ll say I just need to try again while we cross our fingers.  How long will they tell me that?  How many more losses will result in that very same approach?  I think I have one more in me, then I’ve reached my limit.  I just can’t do this to myself any more.  4 losses are more than any one should ever have to go through and 5 is an even more overwhelming number.

I realize this has been just one long release of emotions…but they’ve been bottled up in me for a while now because I’ve been working so much I’ve had no time to get it out and that’s what this blog is supposed to be for.  I’m afraid the RE is in for an emotional meeting with a very upset patient in a few hours.  I can’t believe I’m at this point where I need help doing this.  How did I get here?

15 Responses to “I need to get all of this out.”

  1. Mo August 25, 2011 at 10:44 am #

    You know one of the things I love most about you? That you are such a humble, giving person that your worry about surrogacy is that YOU won’t be good enough. So first – let me tell you something lady: I would do it for you in a heartbeat if I could. And I’ve never met you face to face. If you’re this loved by a “virtual friend” I can only imagine how much you’re loved by your close friends and family. And if you have to go there, I’m sure they’ll be standing in line and just the look on your face will be more than enough for them. You are such an amazing and giving soul that I have a feeling you’ll be showing so much appreciation they’d ask you to stop.
    I hope the RE gives you some answers, or at least some semblance of a plan moving forward. You are strong. Stronger than you know. And even if you have no news you will try. And eventually, no matter what the path, you will hold a baby in your arms. I’m sure of it.
    (I know you’re far more pessimistic. I’m not. sue me)
    Love you

  2. eggsinarow August 25, 2011 at 11:37 am #

    Oh, hon. I’m so sorry. I hope that the RE gives you some answers. Surrogacy is so frustrating as an option, because I truly mean it when I say that I would do it for someone that I love in a heartbeat, yet since I’m on the other side it doesn’t sound as sincere. Right? Like, “I’d do it for you, but I can’t, so…have a baby for me?” I’ll be thinking of you! xoxoxo

  3. cablearms August 25, 2011 at 11:43 am #

    sending you lots of love and virtual hugs, Courtney. xoxo

  4. Elphaba August 25, 2011 at 1:41 pm #

    Oh hun, This just sucks. I hope you can get some answers. And I echo what Mo said, someone in your life will likely be more than happy to give you that gift. And you have every right to accept it without guilt–a person wouldn’t do it unless they really wanted to. And I’d do it for you too if I could.

  5. Marie August 25, 2011 at 2:15 pm #

    I’ll do it. Can we wait until after the wedding though?

  6. Hope August 25, 2011 at 4:36 pm #

    (((HUGS))) That sounds so tough. I hope you get some clear answers and the RE can provide more actual help than just telling you to cross your fingers.

  7. embracingtherain August 25, 2011 at 7:16 pm #

    I hope the RE was helpful today. Sending lots of hugs your way.

  8. Port of Indecision August 25, 2011 at 8:49 pm #

    ((hugs)) I hope your appointment today went well. Thinking of you.

  9. bodegabliss August 25, 2011 at 9:17 pm #

    Thank you so much everyone. I can’t tell you how it feels to go into one of these appointments and know women all over the world are sending me good thoughts. People say I’m strong, but I think you give me the strength and courage to face this.

    And it means a lot to me what you all said about the surrogacy And Marie, you’re amazing. I have a feeling you’re serious and there are no words…so for now let’s just focus on getting you married, first. 🙂 Isn’t it incredible and awful that now that we’ve been through this, we would do that for someone else in a heartbeat, but the majority of us can’t? It’s a cruel, cruel world.

    • Marie August 26, 2011 at 9:36 am #

      Of course I’m serious. But I hope it doesn’t come to it, and that (since the chair and LaWanda found nothing) you get your miracle. ❤

  10. Kristen August 26, 2011 at 3:14 pm #

    Big hugs to you. Anxious to hear how your appointment went.
    I understand the feeling of not being able to do this anymore. I feel a little bad being pregnant and saying this, but I’m edging up to the point where we lost our baby last pregnancy and I wish I wasn’t thinking like this but I have been spending a lot of time thinking, what if I lose the babies? Can I try again? Right now, I don’t think so. And I haven’t even had all the losses you’ve had…just 2 chemical pregnancies and a miscarriage (plus years and years of every month being disappointed). BUt right now I’m feeling like I could NOT do another IVF procedure. I’d need to be done, and find a way to move forward and be happy without kids because I can’t keep living in this infertility hell.
    Sorry to make this all about me, but what I really want to say is I totally understand how you are feeling and I am so, so sorry you are in that place. I really hope the RE had some encouraging news for you.
    Thinking of you and sending hugs and prayers your way…

  11. jjiraffe August 27, 2011 at 12:06 am #

    If my uterus wasn’t totally jacked up, I would do this for you. I wish I had a beautiful, awesome uterus for you. If I did, mi Casa would be your Casa. (((Hugs)))

  12. lil' dreamer August 27, 2011 at 4:45 am #

    So sorry you’re having to go through all this pain. I can relate. In fact, I feel as though I could have written much of this post! Infertility so often takes over lives and robs people of happiness. When we are making decisions what to do every cycle and I sit and try to think exactly what I want this time around every month the thing that keeps repeating over an over in my head is simply “I just want this to be over.”

    Of course being “over” for all of us means a baby in our arms and the pain melting away. You’re obviously an incredibly kind, strong person with a huge heart. In the end, it will be over, the pain will begin to melt away, and you will be holding your little bean.

    Here’s to all our little beans! May they tumble down to us soon!

  13. Jennifer January 18, 2012 at 10:09 am #

    Why is adoption out of the question? I am new here and wasn’t sure if there was a specific reason or you just generally had decided it wasn’t the path for you.

    I miscarried my only pregnancy and am now pretty much too old to try again. I feel your pain and will be sending positive thoughts your way.


  1. Updates and Support « Mommy Odyssey - August 25, 2011

    […] Bodega Bliss is going to an RE today for the first time and she’s feeling pretty down. Let’s wave some flashlights at the end of the tunnel! […]

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