I haven’t been able to blog much this month besides the photos, and it’s been frustrating because the things swimming around in my head haven’t been able to get out and that doesn’t make for a very settled feeling inside. I keep trying to find time to get on here and it doesn’t come, and it’s been very disappointing.
Today I’m meeting with a Reproductive Endocrinologist at one of the top reproductive clinics in the country and I can’t figure out how I feel. I can’t remember if I’ve admitted this yet on here, but I honestly feel like I’m not going to be able to do this. That I’ll have one more loss and that will be it. I can’t do this for much more. This sadness and grief that is ever-present is just so tiring and to think about prolonging that for another 2 years…it’s too much to bear. I’ve felt a weight pulling me down for two years now that I can’t even remember what it feels like to be truly happy.
If I can’t do this, I need to move on. I need to find a way to get my happiness back and I honestly know that won’t be possible until this chapter has been closed. I’m scared to death that the last page will turn and there will still be no baby there to fill this hole. I’m scared to live with that hole that will undoubtedly never go away for the rest of my life.
I feel like the only other option for us will be surrogacy. But the cost of that is frightening; the only way for us to do be able to afford it would be to find someone we know – friend or family – to do it for us. But how do you ever ask someone that? How would you ever repay that person for giving you the biggest gift imaginable? I would forever feel indebted, unable to show them how incredibly grateful I am. I wonder how I would handle it. I’m the type of person who thinks about others before myself, to the point where I will do whatever it takes to keep them happy, at the cost of my own happiness….how would I ever be able to handle the pressure I’d put on myself to show my appreciation? I don’t see it being possible.
Yet I don’t see another way to do this. Adoption is out of the question, and I would most likely just miscarry an embryo through IVF, so it’s down to these two options – trying one more time and most likely miscarrying, or surrogacy. What the hell. Do you know how shitty that is? I’m supposed to be able to do this. I’m supposed to be able to procreate, and yet I’m failing. I know it’s not me or my fault or blah blah blah….but ultimately, how can you deny that my body has failed to what it’s supposed to do? How can people honestly see a way around that explanation?
I’m excited for the appointment only because I’ll finally be able to talk to a specialist, except my excitement stops there because my gut is telling me they won’t be able to tell me anything new. That they’ll say I just need to try again while we cross our fingers. How long will they tell me that? How many more losses will result in that very same approach? I think I have one more in me, then I’ve reached my limit. I just can’t do this to myself any more. 4 losses are more than any one should ever have to go through and 5 is an even more overwhelming number.
I realize this has been just one long release of emotions…but they’ve been bottled up in me for a while now because I’ve been working so much I’ve had no time to get it out and that’s what this blog is supposed to be for. I’m afraid the RE is in for an emotional meeting with a very upset patient in a few hours. I can’t believe I’m at this point where I need help doing this. How did I get here?