Archive | August, 2012

Transitioning to positive

27 Aug

Tonight Tim and I are going to visit the hospital where we plan to give birth.  I’ve been really excited for this because I’m a planner and I need to be able to visualize things in order to better plan.  There are supposedly new birthing suites that are really nice, with your own room and shower.  I’ve been looking forward to this for a while now, and I’m really excited to see where we’ll be welcoming this little girl into our lives.

Except, I’m not sure why I hadn’t thought of this before now, but it’s the same hospital where I’ve had to leave 2 of my babies behind and there may be some difficulty walking into those doors tonight.  I mean, the thought had crossed my mind that I’d be giving birth in the same place I had my D&Cs, but I guess I was choosing to ignore it.  But now that I’m facing it, I’m nervous.  Walking through those doors where all I’ve ever felt is sadness, fear, and grief, may not be easy for me.

I remember after both surgeries having a hard time leaving the hospital.  What remained of our babies were no longer in me, I was empty and I was leaving them behind in the fluorescent lights and medical waste receptacles, not in my arms.  Those moments still stand out to me.  I left my hopes and dreams behind in those sterile and cold walls; going home was the last thing I wanted to do, where only tears and devastation were waiting for me.

I know I have been given a gift to turn these experiences into something positive.  To make that hospital into one that will give us life, instead of one that takes it away – a gift that so many have unfairly not been given, and I do not take that lightly.  I know that if I can get past the initial sadness it may give to me, it will be followed with so much joy and love.  And for that, I am deeply blessed.

Nothing will take away from what I’ve gone through.  Nothing will erase the pain of those losses, of having my babies so unfairly taken from me.  But tonight I will walk in focusing on the little being inside of me, the one that is still thriving and growing – the one that fought so hard to be here – while remembering the ones that came before her.  It’s time for me to reclaim my hopes and dreams, and finally take them home with me.

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28 weeks and blessed

6 Aug

I never thought I would be here, greeting the third trimester of a pregnancy.  In a few short weeks, I will get to meet the baby I have worked so hard for for years.  I still can’t believe it’s happening.  There are times even now that I look down at my belly and think for sure it’s someone else’s body I’m looking at.  But I’m reminded quickly with a jab from a little girl inside that it is indeed mine. This baby who creates the ripples in my stomach and keeps me up at night already…she’s mine.  After the depths of a grief I didn’t know existed, I’m here.  I have no idea how I got here, but I did.  We’re going to have a baby.

Thank you so much to those of you that have checked in on me…I’m forever grateful to you, and feel honored that you even still think about me.  I had been wanting to write an update and your inquiries was just the nudge I needed.  So here I am, 28 weeks.  Insane.

I’m afraid my past few posts may have led you to believe that this has all been so easy for me.  I meant every word that I said, but you should know that that certainly hasn’t been the case the entire time.  Around week 21 the fear that I had kept at bay for most of my pregnancy, kept stealthily creeping in and I found it more and more difficult to push it away.  I think being so close to vitality and with my track record from the previous 4 pregnancies, I thought for sure it would end before I made it there.  I couldn’t get it in my head that this pregnancy was different — that from the moment I hit 11 weeks, this was a whole new ball game for me.  Tim was understandably frustrated with me during this time because I had made so much progress, and all of a sudden it seemed like I was reverting back to my fears of the past two years, torturing myself all over again.  But that feeling of doom is a hard thing to shake after years of it being my reality.  I knew what really happened to people in this world, I knew not to believe a happy ending was a given.  But after a few weeks of that ever-familiar fear, then finally hitting that 24-week milestone, I made a choice to believe that this was going to happen.  I didn’t want to feel that way any longer, 3 years of it had been enough and I was tired.   This little being inside deserved for me to believe she’d be coming to me in a few months.  After all, she had fought to be here too, and I needed to start acknowledging that.

There are some mornings I wake up thinking it must have all been a dream.  Not in a woe-is-me way, just a moment of in-between consciousness where I’m not sure of reality just yet.  I figure when I look in the mirror, I’ll for sure be empty once again.  Then I feel her kick (and kick and kick and kick), and I am overcome with gratitude.  The body that I felt had betrayed me for years, is continuing to prove to me that all along, I just needed to believe that it would happen.*  Every single day I feel blessed that I have been given another day of this pregnancy and refuse to take it for granted.  Even when I tore my abdomen muscle a few weeks ago (ouch) and was frustrated in my body, I still felt blessed.  My muscles were weak because of my growing belly, and as much as it pissed me off that I was in pain (a lot of freaking pain), I was in pain because of my baby…the baby I had fought for for so long.  I could take a little more pain.

Over the past couple of months, I’ve looked back through my archives here and have been awestruck by what I went through.  I honestly don’t know how I made it through all that fear and gut-wrenching sadness.  Then I think of all the women still in the midst of that hell, and my heart stops.  I don’t know why it is I was chosen to be here, I constantly blown away by that blessing.  And after years of time moving in slow-motion, these months are flying by at a speed I’m not accustomed to.  Before I know it, I’ll be holding this baby in my arms and a whole new adventure will have begun.  And I can hardly wait.

I have a feeling I’ll be back here a few more times before the end of October.  I’d especially like to write out how I’m feeling about the coming birth, and this space has always been the best outlet for that.  But right now I need to try and get some sleep, as it’s been hard to come by these past few weeks.  Thanks again for checking in on me, you are all amazing and I’m constantly praying each and every one of you get to know this feeling.  You all deserve it so much.

* As if it were that easy!  Ha!