I just finally went and got the blood work done for the billion different tests they’re going to do to figure out why I can’t carry a baby past a certain point. I’ve been telling myself that I was putting it off because I have been really busy at work and not able to get out to get them done, but that’s a bit of a lie. I’m scared of what they’re going to find out — or maybe worse, what they’re not going to find out. What if they come up with nothing? What do we do then?
Most of going through a miscarriage is a lot of internal screaming of: “This wasn’t supposed to be happening! I wasn’t supposed to be having these tests/feelings/frustrations! This was never supposed to be me!” A lot of screaming to the universe: “IT’S NOT FAIR!” It’s just not. None of it. And I feel like everyone who says: “It’s all a part of God’s plan” couldn’t be more wrong. I believe in a god, in a higher power for sure….but I just don’t feel like any God would purposely put someone through this. I just can’t believe that. Even if I am strong enough to handle it. The God I believe in wants the best for everyone, but sometimes, things are out of his/her hands. And I know sometimes people just don’t know what to say, and maybe it makes them feel better to believe that, but it isn’t what we want to hear. It doesn’t make things better. As my therapist (who I LOVE but cannot afford) said, “Sometimes, despite all of our praying and positive thinking, shit still happens.” Even that notion doesn’t ease the pain, but at least it’s closer to the truth: the shit freaking happened. Threefold.
One of the 12 vials of blood they’re testing has the description of “MTHFR” on the estimated price list for the tests. HA! And in case you were wondering what that MTHFR costs, it’s $390.00. Out of $2,721.75 for all of them. MTHFR! People who always say that having children are expensive never mentioned how expensive it was not having them. Again, at least I have health insurance (and yes I’m aware that there are so many people out there that have it so much worse than I do) and I am thankful for that.
So to sum up this post, let me just say one thing to the universe: enough already, MTHFR!