I never thought I would be here, greeting the third trimester of a pregnancy. In a few short weeks, I will get to meet the baby I have worked so hard for for years. I still can’t believe it’s happening. There are times even now that I look down at my belly and think for sure it’s someone else’s body I’m looking at. But I’m reminded quickly with a jab from a little girl inside that it is indeed mine. This baby who creates the ripples in my stomach and keeps me up at night already…she’s mine. After the depths of a grief I didn’t know existed, I’m here. I have no idea how I got here, but I did. We’re going to have a baby.
Thank you so much to those of you that have checked in on me…I’m forever grateful to you, and feel honored that you even still think about me. I had been wanting to write an update and your inquiries was just the nudge I needed. So here I am, 28 weeks. Insane.
I’m afraid my past few posts may have led you to believe that this has all been so easy for me. I meant every word that I said, but you should know that that certainly hasn’t been the case the entire time. Around week 21 the fear that I had kept at bay for most of my pregnancy, kept stealthily creeping in and I found it more and more difficult to push it away. I think being so close to vitality and with my track record from the previous 4 pregnancies, I thought for sure it would end before I made it there. I couldn’t get it in my head that this pregnancy was different — that from the moment I hit 11 weeks, this was a whole new ball game for me. Tim was understandably frustrated with me during this time because I had made so much progress, and all of a sudden it seemed like I was reverting back to my fears of the past two years, torturing myself all over again. But that feeling of doom is a hard thing to shake after years of it being my reality. I knew what really happened to people in this world, I knew not to believe a happy ending was a given. But after a few weeks of that ever-familiar fear, then finally hitting that 24-week milestone, I made a choice to believe that this was going to happen. I didn’t want to feel that way any longer, 3 years of it had been enough and I was tired. This little being inside deserved for me to believe she’d be coming to me in a few months. After all, she had fought to be here too, and I needed to start acknowledging that.
There are some mornings I wake up thinking it must have all been a dream. Not in a woe-is-me way, just a moment of in-between consciousness where I’m not sure of reality just yet. I figure when I look in the mirror, I’ll for sure be empty once again. Then I feel her kick (and kick and kick and kick), and I am overcome with gratitude. The body that I felt had betrayed me for years, is continuing to prove to me that all along, I just needed to believe that it would happen.* Every single day I feel blessed that I have been given another day of this pregnancy and refuse to take it for granted. Even when I tore my abdomen muscle a few weeks ago (ouch) and was frustrated in my body, I still felt blessed. My muscles were weak because of my growing belly, and as much as it pissed me off that I was in pain (a lot of freaking pain), I was in pain because of my baby…the baby I had fought for for so long. I could take a little more pain.
Over the past couple of months, I’ve looked back through my archives here and have been awestruck by what I went through. I honestly don’t know how I made it through all that fear and gut-wrenching sadness. Then I think of all the women still in the midst of that hell, and my heart stops. I don’t know why it is I was chosen to be here, I constantly blown away by that blessing. And after years of time moving in slow-motion, these months are flying by at a speed I’m not accustomed to. Before I know it, I’ll be holding this baby in my arms and a whole new adventure will have begun. And I can hardly wait.
I have a feeling I’ll be back here a few more times before the end of October. I’d especially like to write out how I’m feeling about the coming birth, and this space has always been the best outlet for that. But right now I need to try and get some sleep, as it’s been hard to come by these past few weeks. Thanks again for checking in on me, you are all amazing and I’m constantly praying each and every one of you get to know this feeling. You all deserve it so much.
* As if it were that easy! Ha!