The runaway.

24 Feb

All my life I’ve wanted to run away when things get bad.  When I was a freshman in college in North Carolina, I called my parents late at night, crying from a phone booth so my roommate couldn’t hear.  I wanted to go home.  I hated being so far away from my family (they were in Maine at the time) and I had had it.  My dad told me to go back in, pack up my stuff, and leave.  Just like that.  It was the middle of the semester and he told me to come home.  From that moment on, something changed.  I think just needed to know that option was there, that they’d support me if that was the choice I needed to make.  I never left.

But even though I never left, that thought was always there when things got rough.  I can always leave. Fast forward 5 years and I was living in another part of North Carolina and I felt like my life had spiraled downward again.  I was out of school, clueless as to what to do next, and my boyfriend had just left me for his best friend.  What did I want to do?  I wanted to leave.  So this time I did.  I moved back up north and settled in Rhode Island near my sister.  Things went swimmingly for me for a long time.  Until I fell in love with a married (but separated at the time!) man.  As you’re probably beginning to gather, that didn’t work out so hot.  So, I was unhappy for much of the remaining 4 years of my time in RI — not all because of him, but he certainly had a large part of it.  Years later I finally gathered up enough strength to make a move again.  Granted, my inability to be with the man that I loved was not the sole reason I wanted to leave.  He doesn’t get that much credit.  But I’d be lying to say that that wasn’t an added bonus of moving to the other side of the country.    So off I went to California.  A few weeks later I meet and fall hard for a man that not only seems to have permanent roots to this town that are stubbornly immune to even a saw, he has a kid whose mother is still in the picture who lives very close by.  Moving is not an option.  I realized early on that that’s a huge reason why I was meant to find Tim, I needed someone that forced me to stay when things got rough.  (He also took care of that other pesky problem mentioned above as I learned what love really was.  Plus, I use him for his body –  good things all around.)

This year has tested that desire to move to the nth degree.  Numerous times I have just wanted to run away.  Somehow it felt like if I left the house I miscarried in and the people who knew me when it happened, it would’ve all been been just a bad dream.  But we stayed and I dealt with it even though it felt impossible at times.  And now I’m at an impasse with a friend here and it’s awful.  I don’t want it to be like this.  The back and forth she and I are doing is just making me so sad.  So last night I begged Tim to move.  I was even close to offering up whatever I could – body, soul, bank account – to just get him to budge.  But that’s not going to solve anything and I should know that by now.  I need to learn to let go of things and to not let them effect me so much, but it’s just so damn hard.  It’s like I feel too much.  How do I make that stop?  I’ve actually gotten better over the years with Tim’s help, but some things I just can’t free myself of.  And I can’t shake the feeling that moving would do that for me.

Dealing with the grief of all of this is painful enough on it’s own, why do we have to deal with the awful social part of it to?  I just spent a year facing my sadness head-on and don’t know if I have the energy to face this, too.  But I have to.  She’s a friend and this is what we have to do.  I’m just so tired.  And Seattle is looking better and better….


15 Responses to “The runaway.”

  1. Christina February 24, 2011 at 7:22 pm #

    What if ya’ll just got away together for a mini vacation? or just a vacation from your friend for a bit til things settle down or smooth out?

    Unfortunately, the easiest solutions usually don’t do as much good as the more difficult and trying ones.

    Also, I’m curious as to which NC university you went to? I’ve been in NC for about 14yrs now.

    • bodegabliss February 24, 2011 at 8:05 pm #

      I went to App! Where did you go? I also lived in Asheville for a few months before I moved north.

      And yeah, we want to get away but don’t have it in the budget right now. 😦

  2. Marie February 24, 2011 at 8:56 pm #

    What happened with your friend? (I’m nosy, but I lost a best friend in this suckhole too, so I wanna know.)

    I’m a runaway also. I went to France because it was awesome, but also because I needed to get out of a soul-killing relationship. I took off for Seattle after my divorce, and decided to run back home after my miscarriage. Things have been stable here, but I am continuously on the lookout for new places to run to…

    And while we’re playing the no-way-you’ve-been-there-too game, my extended family lives in Johnston, RI. My big, fancy, failed wedding was at the Providence Biltmore. Where did you live out there?

    • bodegabliss February 24, 2011 at 9:26 pm #

      SHUT. UP. My family lives in Foster (which is also where I moved from when I moved here)! I’m assuming you know…..that’s the next town over from Johnston! That’s so crazy! Well, I hope you don’t have bad memories of RI as a result. I actually really love RI and Providence and love when I get to go home. It just wasn’t for me at the time.

  3. Jenni February 24, 2011 at 9:39 pm #

    I’m not a runner, so I guess I can’t comment too much on the desire, but I am someone who will hide in my hole until I’m ready to deal again. And I sometimes feel like getting away, just for a little whole, for a change of scenery does wonders….as long as you don’t spend you time away thinking about how you have to go home.

    ICLW #12

  4. Hope February 24, 2011 at 9:43 pm #

    I’m a runaway, too. Sometimes I run literally by moving–I left home at 16 for boarding school and never really moved back–sometimes I run by going silent. Right now I’m doing the silent kind of running. I haven’t spoken to most of my extended family since last summer when the grief from my second miscarriage hit. I was just gearing myself to start talking to people again, and now I’ve had a third miscarriage I’m feeling cautious.

    Physically, I’ve put down roots, but socially and emotionally, I have a really hard time sticking with relationships when they get tough. I’m more likely to drop people. That sounds bad. I drop unhealthy relationships, the ones that drain me. The nourishing ones I hang onto and try really hard to work on, but that takes a lot of energy, so I only do it with a few people, and only when those people can handle dry-spells of little or no communication.

    So kind of a different kind of running from what you’re talking about, but I still feel like I can relate.

    Whatever is going on with your friend, I hope you can find a way through it with your sanity intact. Good luck and lots of (((Hugs)))

  5. jjiraffe February 24, 2011 at 10:43 pm #

    Yet another runaway. My husband and I moved out of our first suburban house back to the city after a bunch of infertility crap. I was starting to see the place as cursed. Black crows literally would swarm around our yard at all times, and they seemed like an ill omen. Right now I have some weird idea how moving to NYC would be the Answer. To. All. Our. Problems.

    Hang in there…maybe some redecorating/painting might help?

  6. Esperanza February 24, 2011 at 11:15 pm #

    I’m so sorry you are dealing with the difficulties of a friendship. I TOTALLY know how that feels, as my current situation (from my “Isolated” post) is all about a friend, a friend who now it farther from me. Friendships are so, so hard, especially in the face of loss. My sudden and violent rift with my friend is also about my loss. The situation brought it all back up for me, making me relive that wretched day and the months that came after it. It’s just so, so hard. I wish I could tell you something that would make it better but I flail so unproductively in these situations. I never know what to do. If you want to email me about it and just vent, let me know. I’m sorry you’re going through this. It’s so unfair.

  7. mommyodyssey February 25, 2011 at 12:42 am #

    I ran away from Israel to move to the states, and I ran away from the states. Each time because I didn’t want to deal. We are skyping about this tonight. Unless you decide to run away and move to Israel, then I won’t stop you. 😉

  8. slcurwin February 25, 2011 at 5:50 pm #

    I’ve alawys had the desire to run away, and a few times I have. but I learned that I have better ways of solving my problems… for the most part. I’m glad your hubby can keep you rooted down and make you work on things even though it’s tough. And that you can use him for his body, lol. 😉

  9. AP February 26, 2011 at 8:45 am #

    I’m not a runner, but I’m a mover. We have been in our current city for five years and am ready to leave. My husband points out the negatives of uprooting ourselves; I only see the excitement of a new adventure. Staying put for me is much harder than moving all over the place so I understand your struggle. When my friend died I told my husband there was no way I could stay here. I still believe that. Not sure what moving will solve, but I’ll feel better. Best of luck in your “journey.” 🙂

  10. starfishkittydreams February 26, 2011 at 2:32 pm #

    I completely understand your desire to move. With moving comes change, new possibilities and the opportunity to start over fresh. How lovely would that be! Even though you may not be able to move completely, I’ve found that trying new things, new classes, new social groups has some of those benefits.

    And speaking of the social challenges, I’ve found the social toll of multiple losses to be the part I struggle with the most. It is the elephant in the room and rather than try to make it more palatable for people by playing it down (and ultimately lying and saying it isn’t a big deal), I’ve chosen to limit/avoid social situations that might bring it up. The downside is I am a lot less social with family and old friends.

  11. Kate Bentley February 27, 2011 at 3:04 am #

    Over on ICLW. Running away…but how do you run away from yourself? It’s a biggy. So sorry about your miscarriages and how this has impacted on everything – it is so easy for those on the outside to see the medical side of infertility, and so hard for them to see the emotional. Sending you love and strength for the future, where ever it may be xxxxxxx

  12. Summastarlet February 28, 2011 at 12:45 am #

    Stopping by for ICLW.

    I am sorry to hear you are facing a hard time and understand the feeling of wanting to run away from it all. I’m not sure what has happened between you and your friend, but I hope you can work it out. Going through the journey of IF is hard enough without losing friends and supports along the way.

  13. cowellkids March 2, 2011 at 5:45 pm #

    I’m a runner too. I somehow manage to convince myself that if I could just move away that all of my troubles would disappear. What I’ve realized though by staying and sticking out the difficulties is that 9 times out of 10 I become more of who I want to be because of my stick-it-out-at-all-costs approach. It’s a new concept for me, but I can honestly say it’s working for me!

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