Posts from the Past: #3

20 Feb

Since I’m out of town, I thought I’d leave you with another post from the past.  This post was one I had written about 3 weeks before I left to move out here, and the effects of that decision to leave were hitting me one by one.  It’s fun for me to look back at the words here and know what was in store for this girl.  There was a lot of fear in letting go of a hope (of love) that had been there for 4 years.  But in less than two months, she would unexpectedly find what she had been looking for all along.  And the rest?  It all fell into place (and then some).

(In an effort to help remind myself how I got here and what helped make me who I am today, I’m revisiting some posts from my past.  This was originally posted December 22, 2006.  You can read the intro to this series here , Post #1 here and Post #2 here.)

Ramblings.

This is hard. Things are hitting me one by one, relationships are shifting, some ending. I think I’m doing well, but then I look at myself from another view, and I fear I’m just hiding it all in the rush of excitement of what’s about to come. I see the people around me changing, or staying the same, but my presense having no effect on it, no part in it. Do I still want to be a part in it? Or is it because I already made a conscious decision, that I hold no weight in any of it? I want this, I feel wholly that it’s the right move…but there’s a part that I feel hasn’t hit me yet. I see so many around me getting what they’ve wanted, creating the life they’ve always felt should be theirs, and I’m in the process of doing the same…but the part of me that’s scared keeps making my stomach turn, my heart weaken. The disappointments that have occurred over the past few days have tested my strength. The strength is profoundly present, I feel a difference between the me now and the me four years ago…but that same part of me is what wants what I wanted then. And I don’t know why, but that’s the part of me that is making me uneasy. Maybe because I feel it’s the very same part of me that thinks I still won’t get it. I’ll still end up disappointed in the end. That since I failed at finding it here, I might fail at finding it there. So how do I silence that part of me? That negative part, that part that keeps having to resurface with each heartache, each dead end, each misread?

This has been a hard week. Today someone that I, at one time, thought would be the person I would spend my life with, closed the possibility of that ever happening. Flipped the switch. Told me what I had been waiting to hear for 3 years now, something that would finally allow me to stop. hoping. But it’s happening right before I leave. 3 weeks before I leave. So which is it? Is it because I’m leaving, or because it’s the truth?

I think it’s the ease at which I’m taking this all that’s throwing me off. I haven’t broken down since he told me he didn’t think he’d ever leave her. Why haven’t I broken down? Am I stronger? Or has it just not hit me? And if that’s the case, when will it hit?

3 weeks feels like 3 decades. This week has felt like a month. These years, have felt like a lifetime.

I just hope I’m ready for the next. I think I am. I just need to make it there.

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6 Responses to “Posts from the Past: #3”

  1. Marie February 20, 2011 at 1:25 pm #

    I had a relationship like that once (he would never leave her). And when it finally ended, I felt… Nothing but relief.

    Isn’t it surprising to see what we’re really made of, and what we really need, once the illusions of what we think we’re made of and what we think we need become non-options?

    • bodegabliss February 22, 2011 at 11:36 am #

      I wish I could say I felt relief. I feel it now, obviously, but for a while there it wouldn’t come and it was damn frustrating.

      And even though it took a few reads to understand your question….yes. Absolutely.

  2. slcurwin February 21, 2011 at 1:21 pm #

    It’s so strange looking back on the past. I’ve done this with old journals and email for years before and it always seems so odd.

    I’m glad you found something much nicer so shortly after.

  3. Erin February 22, 2011 at 9:19 am #

    Hi here from ICLW. I read a few posts and your “About.” I’m so sorry you are going through this and after reading your looking back post I am so glad you read you found the love of your life and have a stepdaughter. Wonderful. I’ve never miscarried but have lost two children after birth. I’m an apheresis nurse and have done plasma exchanges on pregnant women with antiphospholipid antibody syndrome that you mentioned. I hope you can find some solutions and treatments and successfully carry your baby!

  4. Miriam February 22, 2011 at 10:23 am #

    I love finding old posts that help put things into perspective for me. I hope you find the answer to your dreams soon!

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