When MO first posted the “upside” to miscarrying, I thought she was crazy. How is there a possible upside to this? Then I read it and was totally on board with everything she said, but had a difficult time finding a positive for myself. The idea has now sat with me for a couple of weeks since she posted it…and I’ve began to find my own upsides.
I believe the biggest thing to come out of this is that the amount of compassion that I have for human beings has grown immensely. Now when I hear of someone going through something awful and traumatic, someone crippled by grief, I want to drop everything and just hold them. Strangers or loved ones, I just want to be there to listen to them. To not judge. To not offer any advice. To just listen. Of course I want to erase their pain and their current hell, but I can’t, so instead I give them my shoulder to cry on. You see, that’s all they need – judging is a waste of time. I wouldn’t have ever known this if I hadn’t been on this side of things. Before this past year, I had never experienced grief on this level. I’m sure I judged and offered unsolicited advice and thought someone should be over it already. But never again. And although others may disagree with how I handled things – believing I should have given more attention to them – I don’t regret a single way I handled my grief. Everything that I have done has led me to this point…a point where I’m finally beginning to see hope and light. I may have shut people out, but I had to. It wasn’t my intention to alienate, but I wasn’t even thinking about that. I was thinking of me. I was being selfish. And I don’t regret it. For once in my life, I don’t regret being selfish. Part of that selfishness made people uncomfortable. But I’m not sorry. For those of you that don’t know me, I am the type of person who is a horrible liar; you see me and you know what I’m thinking and how I’m feeling. I wear all my emotions on my face (sleeves are for sissies) and I couldn’t pretend I wasn’t sad. Sure, somedays I tried to hide it a little better than others. But not when I was in the thick of it. Not when the sadness was weighing me down and making everything around me dark. I refused to put a smile on my face, regardless of how it was going to make others feel. And I don’t regret it. Those that really know me, there were there regardless…waiting for when I came out of the dark.
I may be have gotten a little sidetracked there on that little rant that needed to come out, but what I mean to say is not only do I have more compassion, I now know more about myself because of this year than I think I would have at this point if I hadn’t of had 3 miscarriages. Not that I’m saying I’d take a better understanding of myself over having a child, but it’s something. I’m more confident as a woman. Not just in my mind, but in my body. I’ve hinted to it before, but I’ve struggled with being comfortable with the way I look. There was a period in time where I was that lasted a year or so, but I was in my early 20’s then and had a different metabolism then. It was a week or so ago that I realized it had been a long time since I criticized myself in the mirror. I’ve been so focused on my inner workings and trying to find out how to get them to work properly, that I forgot about my insecurities on the outside. They just didn’t seem to matter any more. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m a Libra and still very much vain, so I won’t be letting myself go any time soon. But seeing my body as more than a flabby belly and jiggly arms…is a relief. Sure, it disappointed me by not keeping my babies safe. But it was just doing it’s job. And as much as I disagree with it’s choices, I have to admit it’s still pretty amazing. This type of confidence was one I looked forward to finding when I became a mother…and even though there’s no evidence of those children, I still have the admiration for my body I had hoped for.
And I’m sure there are many more things I can think of that I’ve gained from this. But those are important ones for me – ones that have come to light recently and that I wanted to recognize for myself. Thanks for making me think about this, MO. You should go and read her list if you haven’t already…I completely agree on pretty much all of them. I think because of everything we’ve gone through, our future children will have been mothers (and fathers) because of it.