Be careful what you say.

11 Feb

There’s a risk you take when you let people know you’re doing better; you risk the day where, shortly after such proclamation, you’re not doing so well.  This whole week I’ve been good – great even! – but today I feel the sadness just waiting there for me to grab ahold of it.   Maybe because a year ago today* my world came crashing down around me and the women I had always known was taken away from me.   I was really hoping today wouldn’t effect me like this.  And of course, I feel like by being sad again, I’m disappointing not only myself, but those around me that recognized the change this week.  And I hate disappointing people more than anything.  But I just can’t seem to find the hope today.  All I want to do is hug that woman a year ago and not let her go.  I want to take her pain away, but I can’t.  The pain is still here, even when I think I’m better.

I guess maybe I’m feeling a little haunted.  I can’t get the way the light of the bathroom looked that night out of my head, and I just want to erase it all.  I’m sure I’ll be better tomorrow, I just wanted to be honest.  It’s the one thing I’ve done since I started this, I’m sure to the annoyance of some, but I can’t pretend I’m okay today.

I’m not.

* In case any of you noticed, it turned out the day I miscarried was February 11th, not the 10th.  I was looking through my archives and discovered the error and even changed all my posts to reflect the actual date.  I wasn’t going to mention anything, but I was feeling guilty like I lied or something!  I’m a horrible liar.  I had to come clean.  Besides, this just continues to prove my point that these dates are all connected for me.

8 Responses to “Be careful what you say.”

  1. Marie February 11, 2011 at 11:31 am #

    Wow. The image of the bathroom light is haunting. Now I can see it too.

    Hugs to you on this day, and all the days surrounding it.

  2. Elphaba February 11, 2011 at 11:36 am #

    I’m so sorry you have to experience this. I know how much it hurts and there is nothing I can say to make it better, so I’ll just send you a virtual hug. I’m thinking of you.

  3. mommyodyssey February 11, 2011 at 1:24 pm #

    *comment hug* check your email for a bigger one. 🙂

  4. Hope February 11, 2011 at 4:09 pm #

    I know what it’s like to think things are better only to start hurting again. It’s so awful when that happens. I think it’s almost worse, because you’ve remembered how it feels to function and be happy (to some extent). The when the grief hits it hurts that much more in comparison to how good you were feeling just a short while ago. Big hugs!!! Significant dates are so hard.

  5. bodegabliss February 11, 2011 at 4:24 pm #

    Thank you so much, ladies. I can feel the hugs. They’re helping.

  6. AP February 12, 2011 at 3:22 pm #

    Acknowledging that you’re not ok is wonderful. One thing I’ve learned this month is that you don’t always have to be strong. No one us keeping track and deducting points for your “not ok” moments.

    Thinking of you and sending hugs.

  7. jjiraffe February 13, 2011 at 11:44 pm #

    I totally understand. Hugs. Thank you so much also for your insightful comment – I think you cut to the heart of the matter with what had been torturing me.

    I have added you to my blogroll, I hope that’s OK 🙂

  8. slcurwin February 15, 2011 at 7:34 pm #

    Sometimes we just need to be sad. There is nothing wrong with that and you aren’t letting anyone down.

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