There’s a risk you take when you let people know you’re doing better; you risk the day where, shortly after such proclamation, you’re not doing so well. This whole week I’ve been good – great even! – but today I feel the sadness just waiting there for me to grab ahold of it. Maybe because a year ago today* my world came crashing down around me and the women I had always known was taken away from me. I was really hoping today wouldn’t effect me like this. And of course, I feel like by being sad again, I’m disappointing not only myself, but those around me that recognized the change this week. And I hate disappointing people more than anything. But I just can’t seem to find the hope today. All I want to do is hug that woman a year ago and not let her go. I want to take her pain away, but I can’t. The pain is still here, even when I think I’m better.
I guess maybe I’m feeling a little haunted. I can’t get the way the light of the bathroom looked that night out of my head, and I just want to erase it all. I’m sure I’ll be better tomorrow, I just wanted to be honest. It’s the one thing I’ve done since I started this, I’m sure to the annoyance of some, but I can’t pretend I’m okay today.
* In case any of you noticed, it turned out the day I miscarried was February 11th, not the 10th. I was looking through my archives and discovered the error and even changed all my posts to reflect the actual date. I wasn’t going to mention anything, but I was feeling guilty like I lied or something! I’m a horrible liar. I had to come clean. Besides, this just continues to prove my point that these dates are all connected for me.