I look forward to September all year. Not only is it my birthday month, it’s the month where I eagerly hit the newsstand or peek into my mailbox for the September issues of my favorite magazines. I pile them up, grab a coffee and blanket and settle in. I have a somewhat embarrassing love for magazines…and as a result, September is like Christmas to me.
It’s the little things.
That concludes the August Break! It was quite a nice distraction for me and I think I’ll try to include more pictures in my daily posts. Thanks for so many positive comments on my photos, I’m glad so many of you enjoyed it as well!
Also, there will be a proper thanks in a post coming up, but I want to say now before it goes any longer that I am so appreciative of all of your comments on my post last week. It was a tough week for me, but reading all of your support helped me tremendously, so thank you so much.
p.s. Speaking of Beyonce (above)…I’m trying really hard not to be mad at her because I really like her. I’m happy her and Jay-Z are going to have a baby and be parents and blah blah blah, but I was so mad at her when she flipped open her jacket on the VMA’s and rubbed her belly in a circle a gazillion and one times. One would’ve been enough, B! I don’t know why it bothered me so much, it really doesn’t bother me to see women do that, but something about that being her announcement to the world about her pregnancy bugged me. I think it was her innocence behind it. She has no idea what it’s like to be on this side of things, so I was – of course – envious of the utter joy in her smile and so incredibly angry that I never get to feel that. Yet, she has every right to feel that way and rub her belly as many times as she wants, and I’m so glad she doesn’t need to know what this pain feels like. So I guess it’s all my issue! Go figure.
So anyway. Yeah. Beyonce.
I brought Took with me to work today and I turn my back for one minute and find him like this:
Good thing the boss was out today or he would’ve been fired for sleeping on the job.
Happy Happy, my handsome man.
I wish I could transport myself back here right this very minute.
I found this at a sandwich shop on campus and with one sip I was transported back to university in North Carolina. You can’t usually find this outside of the southeast (maybe even NC?) and I was elated to see it. For a brief moment, it gave me a much needed happiness. With one sip, it transported me back to a time that was so much simpler and a whole hell of a lot easier.
I have no idea what it’s like to sit in this chair and feel anything but fear and devastation. The fact that the majority of women associate this with utter joy is unfathomable to me. As a result, it’s impossible for me to believe it will ever be that for me. I climb up bracing myself for what will come next.
Today the nurse asked me if I’ve ever had an internal ultrasound and I actually laughed. I told her I’ve had so many, there’s no way to count. I did, however, refrain from calling my intimate friend LaWanda (ahem) even though I really really wanted to.
The appointment was just as I expected – she found nothing new and told me all we could do was to try again. She did confirm that I had endometriosis and the cyst that has been ever-present on my left ovary will be there for life. I’m thinking I need to come up with a name for it since I’ve become so familiar with it and it’s apparently not going any where anytime soon. She said it shouldn’t be a problem pregnancy-wise for me since I can still get pregnant, but eventually I may want to remove it or go on birth control pills to suppress the symptoms of it (which for me is constant severe on-and-off pain all month). We also did more tests since the majority of mine were a year ago after the third loss, so we’ll see what they show, if anything. I’m betting everything on the latter.
I certainly didn’t expect to have so many emotions today. I couldn’t stop the tears from falling…there was just a constant stream. I know I’ve said this a thousand times, but I’m just so tired of it all. I was walking down the street after the appointment and a man was getting into his car and said to me, “You look so tired.” A stranger. Awesome. He then offered me a ride, which was a little uncomfortable, but whatever. Later a student asked if I was okay today. I thought I was faking it okay, but apparently not. Or maybe I just can’t fake it any more. Two years of faking that I’m okay for 8 or so hours a day is getting old.
Two more days of this course and then I’m going to sleep for the next two. Or maybe I just won’t wake up for a month or ten. Will you wake me when it’s all over?
Yesterday Tim and I celebrated our 3rd wedding anniversary by going to a spa in Sonoma. We submerged ourselves in hot springs, then spent the rest of the day lounging by the pool. It was luxurious. We haven’t spent that kind of time together in a long time and it was really wonderful. I had planned on writing a post to my love (hi love!) on that day, but I decided maybe I should just spend it with him instead. Besides, at this point I honestly don’t think I could ever express how much he means to me in words on a screen. The way that he loves me, the way he makes me laugh and holds me when I can’t, how he challenges me to be a better person…I never knew it could be like this. 2 of our 3 years of marriage have been spent battling with my body and grief, and our marriage has grown tremendously as a result. Even though he won’t admit it, there have been some tough moments between us through all of this….but in the end, it has made us so much stronger. I couldn’t be more thankful that he’s the one by my side.
I love you with all my heart, Tim. Thank you for everything you’ve done for me in the last three years and for sticking by me through all of this. Let’s make number 4 a good one.