Five pregnancies, two and half years, & two hundred posts.

27 Apr

flowers and shadows

Tomorrow I’ll be 14 weeks.  14 weeks.  It seems surreal.  It’s hard for me to believe that I’m not still stuck in the first trimester, as I was for two and a half years.  Last week I entered my very first second trimester in five pregnancies.

I’ve had my genetic pre-screening done and everything looked fantastic…the baby is even measuring a few days ahead (which is definitely a first for me).  The tests all came back negative, with the downs chance basically non-existant.  Who would’ve thought we could make a genetic superstar?  I’ve had many chances to take a peak at the little one waving and kicking up a storm – my last one just yesterday – and it never gets old.  I thank this little baby every single night for growing stronger every day, for beating the odds to still be here today.  I put my hand on my belly and even though I can’t feel him or her just yet, I feel life.  I realize that makes me sound crazy, but every time I start to worry, I press my fingers to where he or she is and I feel butterflies.  After all my heartache, it’s the best thing in the world.  Forget genetic superstar…this baby is a superstar plain and simple.

I feel like I’ve let many of you down by not being able to come to this space.  Something happened before this pregnancy – a shift in my thoughts that revealed I was ready to step away from the everyday interactions in this world.  My sanity needed me to step away.  I honestly believe it has helped me navigate this pregnancy as well as I have.

This world has been my safe-haven, my strength, my release, my support….I can never forget that.  For four devastating pregnancies, all of you have been there for me.  Some of you strangers, some of you now friends for life, others family and friends in this with me in the real world as well.  I will never be able to thank you enough.  This space has given me so much over the years and I’m proud of the woman this world has helped me become.  She’s a badass in my eyes — in fact, you’re all badasses to me.  We navigate these murky waters with nothing but fractions of hope and the unwavering support of others in the trenches…with our hearts pulling on us and the rest of the world telling us we’re crazy.  But we come here and we’re not crazy.  We pee on a thousand and one sticks and end up finding someone else who peed on a thousand and two.  Because of this world I found inside this little screen, I dove into a fifth pregnancy with no proof it would be any different than the other four.  I gave myself one more chance at this, and knew that if it didn’t work out, I’d be okay.

I’ve learned that here: I’ll be okay.

I will never turn my back on this world.  It’s who I have become and who I will always be.  But because of  how much I care for the other women here and how much I can feel myself in their shoes, this space and this world is different for me right now.  If I find myself visiting the stories so similar to mine, with pain so incredibly raw and familiar, I can no longer separate this pregnancy from the others.  And it needs to remain different for me in order to make it to the other side. For two and half years, I was not myself.  I was pulled under by grief and anxiety and I’m ready to be lighter and present.  I experienced a hell I never thought I would have to live through…and for now and hopefully forever, I feel like I’m coming out of the cloud.

But my thoughts are still with all of you, rooting for you from the sidelines.  I’ll always be there, even if you can’t see me.  I’m the one screaming the loudest, telling you you can do it even when you think you can’t.  Telling you how I understand how painful it is, but you’ll be able to make it through.  I can promise you that.

There’s still not proof this pregnancy will be different, but in my gut, it feels like it is.  If I look past the fear that creeps in here and there, my heart tells me this one is different.  Even if the worst happens, I have a confidence I never had the previous four times: that I will make it through to the other side somehow.  Because of what you all have given me.

Four losses, one currently thriving pregnancy, two and a half years, & 200 posts.


flowers and shadows


P.S.  Even though I may not come to this space very often, or sadly visit yours even less…please email me at any time, I’m still here.  bodegablissblog {at} gmail {dot} com


19 Responses to “Five pregnancies, two and half years, & two hundred posts.”

  1. Mo April 27, 2012 at 2:19 pm #

    Love you.

    • Izzy April 27, 2012 at 2:46 pm #

      Precisely what I was going to write. Love you Court 🙂

  2. Brave IVF Girl April 27, 2012 at 3:04 pm #

    So very happy for you!

  3. L.Z. April 27, 2012 at 3:04 pm #

    PLEASE, once a month or so at least let us know you are doing ok. Lots of us are holding you daily in our thoughts.

    • bodegabliss April 30, 2012 at 9:41 am #

      Aw, thanks, L.Z. I certainly will. This means the world to me, you have no idea. This is why I love this community as much as I do!

  4. luna April 27, 2012 at 4:00 pm #

    oh wow, I missed your last post! I am so very happy to hear this news, and that you’ve made it to the 2nd tri. just wonderful! cheering you on from here (which is really not that far away)!

    gorgeous photos, btw.

  5. Trisha April 27, 2012 at 4:44 pm #

    I was just thinking about you and wondering how you are doing! It did my heart good to see this post today. It gives me so much hope for the future. I’m so happy for you Courtney, so so happy.

  6. Courtney April 27, 2012 at 5:00 pm #

    I nodded my head along to everything you said! You describe the transition to “the other side” just beautifully!

    I think of you often, and am happy to hear that all is so very well for you and baby!

    Keep taking marvelous care of you!

  7. missohkay April 27, 2012 at 5:50 pm #

    I’ve been thinking of you often. So glad to see this update. ❤

  8. Christina April 27, 2012 at 7:10 pm #

    Very coincidently, I was thinking about you yesterday and was going to send an email! I’m so very glad for you that things are going well and you are in the 2nd trimester. While I’m sad that I don’t get to read your awesomely written posts, I’m glad you are getting comfortable with things and doing what you feel you need and want to do. That is absolutely the best thing for you and the baby.

    Congratulations again!

  9. BW April 27, 2012 at 10:31 pm #

    I am so unbelievably happy for you… This post brought tears to my eyes.

  10. jjiraffe April 27, 2012 at 11:17 pm #

    Beautifully written, as always, by a beautiful person. Love you.

  11. Emily @ablanket2keep April 28, 2012 at 7:24 pm #

    Just want to let you know how happy I am for you and that I think about you often.

  12. Justine April 29, 2012 at 9:10 am #

    Beautiful. Love this, and you.

  13. starfishkittydreams April 29, 2012 at 10:19 am #

    Yeah! I am SO happy for the good news and the smiles. I am thinking of you often.

  14. embracingtherain May 10, 2012 at 6:05 pm #

    Thinking about you and hoping things are still going well for you.

  15. Anna Esperanza May 25, 2012 at 8:15 am #

    Just read this and the previous post (yep, the whole thing!), and I am so happy for you. Truly. Take care and do what you need to do to enjoy life and your little one.


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