Just pretend.

30 Jan

Sometimes, I just need to give myself permission to step out of this world for a little while.  After two years of it, it can be quite overwhelming.  When I step away, I try to pretend it never existed.  For a few days – a week – I pretend like my life is normal.  That I’ve never experienced a gut-wrenching loss, never mind four.  I try to pretend that the negatives on the pregnancy tests don’t bother me, that they’re what I want.  That I’m a thousand times joyful for everyone else who has a baby, and don’t care that I haven’t had one yet.  That the last two years have been spent blissfully with my incredible husband, that not a sad tear has been shed.  That come February 11th, the only anniversary it will be is the day after I met my husband, not one where my heart was ripped out of my body with the passing of my baby.

That I’ve never buried a tiny little being, in it’s once-hopeful sac, under an old oak tree in a field nestled between hills.

Sometimes, I want to pretend that my life went as planned.  That it didn’t take a detour down the dark and twisty road of pregnancy loss, that I’ve been on the sun-filled road all along.

And the thing is, sometimes it works.  It works for a few days – a week – and I wake up happy for once.  But the reality always creeps back.  That relentless longing for a child never seems to disappear, no matter how much I pretend it was never there.  I start to miss the people in this little virtual world of mine, the people that I am invested whole-heartedly in their lives and their cycles and their collective uteri.  I can’t turn my back on it now.  I can’t pretend it away.  It’s who I am, it’s who I’ll always be.

But I’d be lying if I didn’t say: I can’t wait to be the fuck out of it.

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18 Responses to “Just pretend.”

  1. Rachel @ Eggs In A Row January 30, 2012 at 10:45 am #

    You are allowed. This is not something any of us want for ourselves or the people we love. You know? I’m glad you were able to pretend, even if it was only for a few days. Love you!

  2. Tami January 30, 2012 at 11:20 am #

    If it wasn’t for the pretending (as fleeting as those times might be) I’m not sure any of us would make it. Not me. Not you. I think it’s called: self-preservation.

  3. Cablearms January 30, 2012 at 11:23 am #

    I hear your anguish on every level, as I know it all too well.
    You are a strong woman. Your strength shows in the rawness and honesty of this post. You may not realize it but by voicing out your pain, you help sustain somebody who is grasping for air or at the edge of the cliff.

    Thank you for doing that for me.
    I’m always here and you know where to find me should you need me to do the same for you.

    xo

  4. Her Royal Fabulousness January 30, 2012 at 11:56 am #

    It’s called self-preservation. I’m impressed you could pull it off for a few days. xxoxo

  5. Izzy January 30, 2012 at 12:21 pm #

    That’s what this whole trip feels like for me. Pretend… playing the happy couple traveling while we don’t have children when I know I’d give ANYTHING to be a sleep deprived head basket caring for a colicky infant. But hey, if pretend is all we got, then pretend we will. Hope you can hang on a little longer till I’m home and we can get together for some girl time and distraction. Love you!

  6. Mo January 30, 2012 at 12:43 pm #

    Love you. And totally get it.
    xoxo

  7. Tee January 30, 2012 at 1:16 pm #

    I agree. As much as I love the community, I do wish I was oblivious to this whole world. But I’m not oblivious. The fact is, this is my life.

    Tee
    infertiliTEE2.blogspot.com

  8. Esperanza January 30, 2012 at 2:36 pm #

    “That I’ve never buried a tiny little being, in it’s once-hopeful sac, under an old oak tree in a field nestled between hills.”

    Oh Court. I don’t know what to say.

    I wish you could get the fuck out of this place too. I wish that more than anything.

    (((((((((HUGS))))))))))

    PS – I wanted to apologize for that weird cheek kiss thing I subjected you to on Saturday. I have no idea what the fuck that was, except maybe dumbfounding. I literally don’t know what I was doing. Style and grace, Kait, style and grace.

  9. inamyseyes@gmail.com January 30, 2012 at 3:15 pm #

    I am feeling the exactly same way today. I had a quick jaunt to Vegas and came home to a crushing feeling just like you described. Thinking of you.

  10. Daryl January 30, 2012 at 4:34 pm #

    I don’t think I’ve ever commented here before, but I’ve been following for a little while. I wish none of us was in this shitty place, and I hate all the experiences that have brought us here. But at the same time, I’m glad to have found this community. I envy your ability to pretend it away, even for a little while. I wish I was better at that.

  11. jjiraffe January 30, 2012 at 8:43 pm #

    Whoa. Fantastic post, as always. This line gave me the chills:

    “Sometimes, I want to pretend that my life went as planned. That it didn’t take a detour down the dark and twisty road of pregnancy loss, that I’ve been on the sun-filled road all along.”

    This is the dark side of life in sunny, beautiful California. No one ever expects life to NOT be filled with sunshine. Sometimes, I think I would fit in better in Iceland.

    Road trip!!

  12. starfishkittydreams January 30, 2012 at 10:40 pm #

    Thank you so much for writing this.
    I am totally with you in pretend land. I was just complaining to Mr. Star how exhausting wearing the pretend mask can be. It works for short periods, but afterwards sharing online feels like such a relief. Thanks to you and other honest bloggers, we have a place where we don’t have to pretend, we can just be ourselves.

  13. AnnaEsperanza January 31, 2012 at 7:57 am #

    Yes. Give yourself permission to pretend. Come back anytime.

    And, yeah, hope we can all get the fuck out soon!

  14. Emily @ablanket2keep January 31, 2012 at 10:21 pm #

    Pretending for a bit is a good thing. Keeps us as sane as possible. Hugz!

  15. Tracy January 31, 2012 at 11:32 pm #

    Self preservation. You need it to survive. Pretend and feel however you need to. We. All get it. Thinking of you and wishing it’s in the past soon babe!

  16. Detour February 1, 2012 at 12:28 pm #

    Yes, so true. It’s nice to pretend. I’ve been on a TTC break since my last m/c and it’s actually been really refreshing. And then, all the pain comes back. Take care! Seems so inadequate to say that, but it’s hard to find anything helpful to say to people going through this hell.

  17. Port of Indecision February 4, 2012 at 2:35 pm #

    I think it’s completely healthy and necessary to step back and take a break from this world of IF/RPL for awhile. It’s a sanity saver, and anyone following ALI blogs who hasn’t needed to do that yet…will one day.

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