Oh, is it a new year? I hadn’t noticed.

3 Jan

redwoods

(At least the photo looks hopeful.)

I woke up on January 1st feeling very, well…blah.  I wasn’t looking forward to 2012 like I had been 2011; the hope I had for last year was squashed by my fourth pregnancy loss and didn’t leave much room for everlasting hope spilling over into 2012.  I’m guessing that’s the reason why I’m having a very hard time finding motivation to face the days so far in this new year.  I mean, is it really any different than 3 days ago?  I just feel like what’s the point in hoping for the best, only to be proved wrong?  I realize that has to be the most pathetic pessimistic statement ever made, but seriously…maybe if I head into 2012 without any expectations, it can only go up from here.  A year of no expectations.  See, it’s not as bad as I made it sound at first, right?  Right.  Yeah, it’s still pretty bad, I know.

I just can’t find the energy to think positively for the coming year.  I’m seeing so many wonderful posts people are writing about their goals and desires, and I can’t find it in me to come up with a damn thing.  Maybe it’s because I finally realize I have no idea any more what’s in store for me, so I need to just go forth despite the unknown, and tackle it as it comes.  Wait, is that something positive-ish?

If I really think about it, though, I do know one hope for 2012: find some freaking happiness.  And not in the form of a baby.  In the form of I’m-going-to-sleep-now-because-I-can’t-wait-to-wake-up-to-my-life kind of way….not the I-don’t-want-to-go-to-sleep-because-that-means-I-have-to-wake-up-again way of the past.  Because that way is getting old.  That way is so 2011.

I just wish I knew what form that happiness was going to come in.  Maybe then I could come up with some goals in order to achieve it.  Because right now, there’s very little pulling me from my bed in the morning…and that feels like no way to start a new year.

 

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14 Responses to “Oh, is it a new year? I hadn’t noticed.”

  1. Rachel @ Eggs In A Row January 3, 2012 at 2:51 pm #

    Word.

    I love you.

  2. Tracy January 3, 2012 at 3:01 pm #

    God I love that you wrote this. I totally just want to copy and paste it on my blog.

    Misery, company and all that jazz. —> is that too pessimistic?

    • bodegabliss January 3, 2012 at 3:02 pm #

      Hahaha. Nope! Not according to me, anyway. 😉

  3. amanda January 3, 2012 at 3:04 pm #

    You speak the words the rest of us are thinking but are afraid to write. Thank you for that!
    When you find your key to happiness – pass it on to the rest of us 🙂

  4. Nobabiesyet January 3, 2012 at 3:17 pm #

    It’s such a shitty feeling. I feel like my hope vessel is all ran out I have none left so I’m doing what I do know no longer (well at least trying not to) hoping wishing wanting. I’m not sure if this is totally pathetic or extremely perfect so here’s what I do know I’m running a 5K in a few days, going to Vegas at the end of the month, seeing the RE and turning 30. That’s all I know and that’s what I’m focusing on.

  5. kh99 January 3, 2012 at 3:20 pm #

    I feel exactly the same about 2012. 2011 crushed us & I don’t have much hope for this year. I returned to work yesterday and “blah” sums it up. I have so much for which to be grateful, but it’s hard to focus on that when your life remains under a massive shit storm. Good luck finding happiness! My wish is for the most boring year ever.

  6. Hope January 3, 2012 at 4:41 pm #

    Can I join the, “what good is a new year when it’s all just the same crap anyway” club, too? In spite of some of my hopeful sounding posts recently, this is predominantely how I’ve been feeling.

    (((Hugs))) I hope this year ends up surprising you with something good.

  7. Mrs. Corrock January 3, 2012 at 6:22 pm #

    felt the exact same way… didn’t even care for the black eyed peas.

  8. Trisha January 3, 2012 at 6:56 pm #

    I can relate to that feeling of hopelessness and not being able to feel positive about anything. But I think it is great that you are going to work towards finding something to make you happy not related to babies. I’m trying to do the same thing for myself and try to get back to that joy in life that was present before infertility. I hope you are able to find your zen and be happy again.

  9. Emily @ablanket2keep January 3, 2012 at 8:27 pm #

    I hope you find your happiness soon. Hugz!

  10. kate January 4, 2012 at 2:20 pm #

    I think it’s brave to admit these feelings. We can’t all feel a renewed optimism for a new year, so much of that seems artificial. I do hope that 2012 holds some great things in store for you.

  11. starfishkittydreams January 7, 2012 at 9:37 am #

    You speak for me too. How can we get all optimistic when we’ve been beaten down so much? Another year starts, and it is so hard to get back on the hope wagon.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Feeling A Little Off « nobabiesyet - January 4, 2012

    […] last night (or maybe the day before I’m losing track) I comment on one of Bodega Bliss’sposts and it just got me thinking. I wrote that I felt like my hope vessel had ran out and that I […]

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