(At least the photo looks hopeful.)
I woke up on January 1st feeling very, well…blah. I wasn’t looking forward to 2012 like I had been 2011; the hope I had for last year was squashed by my fourth pregnancy loss and didn’t leave much room for everlasting hope spilling over into 2012. I’m guessing that’s the reason why I’m having a very hard time finding motivation to face the days so far in this new year. I mean, is it really any different than 3 days ago? I just feel like what’s the point in hoping for the best, only to be proved wrong? I realize that has to be the most
pathetic pessimistic statement ever made, but seriously…maybe if I head into 2012 without any expectations, it can only go up from here. A year of no expectations. See, it’s not as bad as I made it sound at first, right? Right. Yeah, it’s still pretty bad, I know.
I just can’t find the energy to think positively for the coming year. I’m seeing so many wonderful posts people are writing about their goals and desires, and I can’t find it in me to come up with a damn thing. Maybe it’s because I finally realize I have no idea any more what’s in store for me, so I need to just go forth despite the unknown, and tackle it as it comes. Wait, is that something positive-ish?
If I really think about it, though, I do know one hope for 2012: find some freaking happiness. And not in the form of a baby. In the form of I’m-going-to-sleep-now-because-I-can’t-wait-to-wake-up-to-my-life kind of way….not the I-don’t-want-to-go-to-sleep-because-that-means-I-have-to-wake-up-again way of the past. Because that way is getting old. That way is so 2011.
I just wish I knew what form that happiness was going to come in. Maybe then I could come up with some goals in order to achieve it. Because right now, there’s very little pulling me from my bed in the morning…and that feels like no way to start a new year.