A broken compass.

7 Dec

When I moved to California 5 years ago, I did so primarily because my intuition told me to.  I knew absolutely no one in Sonoma County, I didn’t have a job or a place to stay, and I barely had any money.   And yet, because of a feeling in my gut, I hopped in the car and took a chance. Within three weeks of being here, a newly acquired friend asked me to go to a party with him.  Even though I didn’t feel like going, I decided to join him because something was pulling me there.  The second we opened the door, I spotted Tim.  2 years later, he became my husband.  My intuition was dead-on.

In therapy two nights ago, we discovered that one of the problems for me with my losses is that my intuition has been silenced.  When I think about my next pregnancy, my head is telling me it’s not going to work-out and that I have to start accepting the fact that I may not be a mother because my head is trying to protect my heart.  But when I try to listen to my intuition, I can’t hear a thing.  It’s telling me nothing.  Which means one of two things: 1) my intuition has been thwarted from all of the grief and pain and it just doesn’t have an answer for me, or 2) I’m too scared to listen.

We sat with the second option for a few moments.  As we sat in silence while I tried to listen, I still heard nothing.  But while my intuition was mute, my fear was screaming.  It appears I’m scared to death of finding out what it’s trying to tell me.  Which can only mean one thing: that it’s going to tell me what I don’t want to hear.  I can try to tell myself that my fear and my heart are confusing my intuition, but it has never failed me before.

Or has it?

Didn’t I believe whole-heartedly that my second pregnancy (and first planned) was it?  Isn’t that how it works?  Except I think in that case it was merely naivety.  Women who get pregnant stay pregnant, right?  No one miscarries!  My intuition didn’t know any better.

This brings me to a very good point that both my therapist and my husband brought to my attention: biology will always have the ability to overrule my gut.  Perhaps biology even trumps it all – no matter what I feel, it will always have the last say.  The bastard.

Perhaps this is something I can believe in while my intuition remains silenced.  That even though I can’t (or won’t) hear what it’s trying to tell me, that maybe this one I should just leave up to biology.  It’s just so difficult to turn my back on the compass that I’ve relied on my entire life, the one that brought me three thousand miles to my husband.  Navigating this newly-found landscape sometimes feels impossible without it.

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18 Responses to “A broken compass.”

  1. Elphaba December 7, 2011 at 5:01 pm #

    I think in your case it’s going to be hard to trust your body and your intuition, and that is, of course, through no fault of your own. If you do try to get pregnant again, it is definitely going to be hard to let go of everything you’ve experienced, but I have no doubt that you are a strong and brave enough person to overcome it. Hugs.

    • Bodega Bliss December 7, 2011 at 5:19 pm #

      Oh yeah, I definitely don’t think I can trust my body after 4 losses…that’s near impossible at this point. But I want to believe that my body is the reason I can’t find my intuition. That it’s been silenced by it. I don’t know.

      Thank you for what you said. It’s so difficult to believe that about myself…but I just have to keep going anyway, I don’t know what else to do.

  2. Her Royal Fabulousness December 7, 2011 at 5:31 pm #

    I just wanted you to know that I love this post. I have a similar story (moved to Boston from California at 18 knowing no one – pure instinct). I also have really struggled with the fact that my gut is painfully quiet now.

    Please keep writing. I love your blog.

  3. hub December 7, 2011 at 5:43 pm #

    Hi, Don’t turn your back on your old friend intuition, it is still your capable ally. In this case though, it may be leaving it up to the gods. Love.

  4. Tracy December 7, 2011 at 7:29 pm #

    I really like what Elphaba had to say but I think no matter what you decide…trust – and what you knew of it – is different.

    I don’t think you’ll ever be able to let go of what you’ve experienced – I think it becomes a part of who you are as a person. Whatever route you decide to go in adding to your family, the grief you’ve experienced is there but how you move through it each day becomes different. That’s the part that I’m only just figuring out. Accepting the fact that yes…this shit actually happened to me and yes…life does go on and finally…yes – I will make it out on the other side. You’ll get there Courtney – you will.

  5. Creating a rainbow December 7, 2011 at 7:34 pm #

    Isn’t therapy awesome?…but hard! I have hope and trust that your precious intuition will return….slowly but surely. Have you ever just sat and wrote alone (or typed) or even started a private “live journal?!”. It might help to encourage your intuition to return. You might write something you would have never spoken or even written on your blog…just a thought. Thinking of you and how much you really deserve your take home baby. Xoxo

    • bodegabliss December 8, 2011 at 2:16 pm #

      Therapy is incredible. I am so lucky to have found my therapist, I shutter to think of where I would be without her. She also suggests keeping a journal…I have a billion waiting to be opened, but I just haven’t done it.

  6. BW December 7, 2011 at 7:41 pm #

    I can’t imagine what this must feel like. I hope your compass finds you again when you are ready. My thoughts and prayers are with you – I truly admire how brave you are.

  7. jjiraffe December 7, 2011 at 10:44 pm #

    I am stunned that your intuition led to Sonoma County and to your husband! That is an incredible story, one that I will never forget. Intuition is an interesting thing: I’ve only ever used my intuition to avoid scary places or people, but never was I able (or willing?) to use it as a compass. Instead I allowed my ego, which got pretty much whatever it wanted in my 20s to call the shots. I didn’t realize I had just been lucky until I was infertile. Then I felt unmoored.

    I don’t have any answers, but i think you should do what you think is best. I’m here in the background doing Russians and stunts, cheering you on. No matter what.

  8. robin December 7, 2011 at 11:49 pm #

    It could go either way… you could be scared your intuition might say something devastating, but you could also be scared your intuition might say something that gives you hope in spite of all of your grief and fear. I hope you reconnect with your intuition, it seems like it is an important part of you.

    • bodegabliss December 8, 2011 at 2:17 pm #

      I had thought about this, too. I’m scared of either answer.

  9. Rachel @ Eggs In A Row December 8, 2011 at 8:32 am #

    This was so honest and real. I understand…after D went to rehab I lost my intuition on our marriage and it was so hard.

    Sometimes you have to jump and hope that your intuition follows. Whatever you choose, I’m here for you and I love you.

    • bodegabliss December 8, 2011 at 2:17 pm #

      “Sometimes you have to jump and hope that your intuition follows.” I love it.

  10. Jesica December 8, 2011 at 8:44 am #

    I could have written this post myself. Every major life decision that I have made has been “intuition led” in that I didn’t have to put much thought into it, I just knew it was what I was supposed to do. Moving 3,000 miles to NYC, marrying my husband, etc etc. And now, I feel the same scary thing that you do, that it’s trying to tell me something that I don’t want to hear and part of my fear is that sometimes I hear it and I just “know” somedays that this isn’t going to work. I can only hope that we’re both wrong and that someday we’ll achieve successful pregnancies with take-home babies in the end.

    • bodegabliss December 8, 2011 at 2:18 pm #

      I’m sorry you have to experience this, too. I hope we’re both proven wrong as well.

  11. Emily December 8, 2011 at 10:27 am #

    That is amazing how it lead you right to California and your Hubby.

    I like what Rachel said “Sometimes you have to jump and hope that your intuition follows.”

    Whatever you decide to do, you are strong and you can get through it.

  12. Mo December 9, 2011 at 12:25 pm #

    Just catching up.
    I totally get it. Seriously. I used to rely on my gut so much, but at this point, fear has for better or worse completely overruled it. I search and nothing is there. It’s frustrating beyond belief.
    Huge hugs. Love you.

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