On “giving up.”

27 Oct

In the last couple of weeks, I’ve noticed a dramatic change in my spirit.  I’ve begun to feel lighter, even starting to believe that maybe this road moving forward doesn’t have to be so bad.  Maybe I can still find joy along this path my life has taken.  I’ve even felt it in my entire body, this joy starting to creep in.

Until yesterday, that is.

Yesterday, when I started my day with a negative pregnancy test.  It’s safe to say that put a little bit of a temporary damper on my spirit.

The tears I fought back during the day came to the surface with the bitter reminder of just how tired I am of all of this.  I know I’ve said that a thousand times before, but it’s times like this where my exhaustion with this comes rushing back and I just want it be over.  After the fourth loss, the last little bit of fight I had in me dissipated; and for my own sanity, I knew I needed to start becoming more comfortable with accepting I may not have a child of my own.  Yet in order for me to fully accept that that may be my fate, I know I have to give it one more try.

So that’s where I am now….trying to give it one more try.  Except I’m anxious for that try to hurry up and get here, because I can’t keep living in this world of not knowing.  Two years with 4 devastating losses has made that world hell.

I know what you are thinking, especially those of you still in the thick of it, still with some fight left in you:  Don’t give up!  You can’t give up!  That’s what I would have said a loss or two ago, back when I still felt in my heart I couldn’t give up until I had that child in my arms.  I couldn’t even fathom how women could even get to the point where they would stop fighting for that.  I couldn’t understand how they could just give up.

That was all before I knew what devastation four losses would bring to me and my life.  After each of their little hearts stopped beating, a part of mine stopped with it.  The part that would do anything to have a baby.  The part that will be forever left with the four I was forced to leave behind.  I am all of a sudden looking into the face of the women I feared so much of becoming.  The part of my heart that wants to keep fighting for this until I have that baby in my arm…has started to slow to a stop.

I know to a lot of you, this probably sounds incredibly sad.  And to the part of me that mourns for the life I thought I was going to have…is incredibly sad by this.  I also know some of you may be frightened you may have to get to this point yourself.  I know what that feels like, I know how scary that is.  But that’s part of why I’m writing this.  It turns out I was wrong all along.  This isn’t giving up.  This is knowing when you’ve done all that your heart can bear.

It’s me trying to stop the pain I keep experiencing from being inside all of this.  It’s me questioning if the pain still feels worth it, and all of a sudden feeling the desire to fight my way out of it all, instead of fighting for what I have desired all along.

If my last try doesn’t work out, I know the road still won’t be easy, at least not until all of my friends and family get out of the “child-bearing” years.  Even then the pain will still be present at every birth I hear about that isn’t my own; but at least now I have faith it will lesson as time passes.  That’s what this has brought me.  I now believe life can still be wonderful and happy, even if the part of me having my own child doesn’t come true.  The part of me that’s lighter is the part of me that is ready to begin new dreams that can take the place of my old dreams.  I need to move on from this chapter in my life so I can start living it again, because while living in this hell, I’ve lost who I was.  And yet at the same time, I know I’ve uncovered a new me that I’m ready to discover.

Please know I’m not saying this to try and convince those of you out there in the midst of this battle to stop fighting.  The chances you’ll have a baby are very much on your side, especially if you still have the fight.  Don’t give that up until you’ve done absolutely all that your heart can bear.  This is simply my story and what my experience has led me to, not your story or where you’ll end up.  I hope you continue to fight and get what you so badly want.  Even if this chapter of my life closes without a baby in my arms, I’ll still fight for you to get yours.  That fight hasn’t ended.  I’m here until the end for all of you.  And maybe in the meantime, you’ll get to see me fight for something new.

Or maybe you will get to see me with one in mine.  I do still have one more try, after all.  And you never know…maybe if we just relax…

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42 Responses to “On “giving up.””

  1. Trisha October 27, 2011 at 3:23 pm #

    My heart just broke for you. I can’t even imagine what you have been through the last couple of years. I often wonder how I would handle it if I did eventually become pregnant and then went on to miscarry. I can’t fathom losing four.

    No one can blame you for not having any fight left. I’m not going to tell you to hang in there because I know that is not what you need to hear. Just know that I have hope that you will find some peace in your life whether it is through having a child or not. I know I will continue to read and I’ll kepp you in my thoughts.

    • bodegabliss November 1, 2011 at 9:10 am #

      Thank you, Trisha. It’s crazy, when I step outside of myself, I can’t believe I’ve gone through four. I also think that I have no idea how I’ve done it. And yet here I am. Thank you so much for thinking about me. Those simple statements mean so much. By the way, you are and your hubby are ADORABLE. 😉 I subscribed to your blog, so I plan to return the support whole-heartedly.

  2. slcurwin October 27, 2011 at 3:23 pm #

    lol, ya, just relax. 😉

    I’m sure that some of us may shoot me for saying this, but I understand what you mean about “giving up”. Before Hubby said he was ok to try again, I had finally come to a place where I was ready to accept that it just wasn’t going to happen for me. I truely believed at that point that Hubby just didn’t have it in him for another go and once I accepted that, I felt a weight lifted off my shoulders like I could finally move on with my life rather than trying to make it something it wasn’t.

    Of course, That same night he came and told me he was ready. I think it was lifes way of laughing at me. But since then, I haven’t had that same feeling while TTC as though my life depended on it. Rather that if we do get a baby, it will be a dream come true, but if we dont…well, I’ve already done most of my mourning.

    • bodegabliss November 1, 2011 at 9:12 am #

      I remember you posting about that. As hard as it is to get to this point, it’s in so many ways relieving. It makes the whole process have so much less pressure. I’m so glad you’re experiencing that, too. And you hit it right on the head….it’s because we’ve already done most of our mourning.

  3. Tracy October 27, 2011 at 3:24 pm #

    Ugh.

    There are countless things I want to say to you in response to almost every paragraph of this post. Everything you said grasped at my heart and tugged on it till I got to the end.

    I’ve got two things that I hope make sense.

    You have to know you are NOT giving up at any point. You are choosing a different path. I can say from after leaving #4 myself, your heart mends, you move on, and you do find happy again. It’s actually amazing to finally be really happy. Actually, really freaking good! It’s only now, that I’ve found what relaxing means 🙂

    Your strength to go for #5 amazes me. I am wishing you one hell of a good month and this has to be it for you 🙂

    • bodegabliss November 1, 2011 at 9:14 am #

      I like thinking of it that way….like I’m just choosing a different path. You know, I think the point of me writing this is I don’t feel like I’m giving up, but so many others do. Which makes it even more frustrating.

      Thank you for taking the time to comment and for being there for me. It really means a lot.

  4. Rachel @ Eggs In A Row October 27, 2011 at 3:26 pm #

    Ok, I’m in a meeting and trying VERY hard to make it look like I’m working, but this is such a good post and I have about three hundred thousand things I want to say. So let’s just say that until I have time to write out a well-thought out response, I’m just saying 1) you are an amazing writer and 2) xoxoxxoxoxo

  5. Esperanza October 27, 2011 at 4:35 pm #

    I don’t know what to say. I’m heartbroken for you and I want so badly for you to have that baby in your arms, but more than anything I want you to be happy. Having never been in your shoes I don’t know what to tell you, but the reality is nobody can. Nobody’s story is your story and no one’s heart is your heart. You have to do what is right for you and it seems like you know what that is, and that is a gift in and of itself.

    I love you. Please know you can call me whenever you want to talk.

    • bodegabliss November 1, 2011 at 9:17 am #

      You know, I feel like right now, I’m actually doing better than I have been in over two years. Getting to this point has been the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I honestly believe I’ve been able to get here because of support like yours. I seriously can’t thank you enough. Although this road has been hell, it’s been made lighter because of people like you being in my life.

      And I hope you know that the same goes for you…my phone is always within reach.

  6. Hope October 27, 2011 at 8:22 pm #

    I just want to send you some (((hugs))). As I was reading the beginning of your post, where you said you thought you’re readers would be thinking that you’re giving up, I was thinking, “I don’t think that she’s giving up. I think she’s doing what’s best for her, to move on with her life.”

    When the pain gets too much to bear, then you have to change your course. And each person reaches her threshold at her own time. Every person’s story is different. And I’ll keep following you, no matter how your story turns out, because I like reading your blog. I know though my comments are few and far between these days. I may be quiet, but it doesn’t mean I don’t care. I’m just not always good at putting my feelings into words.

    • bodegabliss November 1, 2011 at 9:19 am #

      Thank you, Hope. You’ve given me so much hope (ha!) and love through all of this. I hope you know how much I appreciate it. And everything you said, I wish everyone could feel. That’s what I want so badly for people to understand, and ultimately, why I wrote this post.

  7. Jean October 27, 2011 at 9:04 pm #

    I completely understand. I’ve “only” had two losses, but I know that there is a finite number of losses that I’m able to bear. I don’t know yet (and as I prepare for another round of TTC, I hope I’ll never have to know) whether that number is three or four or five, but I don’t think it goes past that. I’m amazed at you for finding the strength to keep trying this far, and I really hope that it works out the way you want it to this time, but no matter what happens I’ll never think of you as a quitter.

    • bodegabliss November 1, 2011 at 9:24 am #

      I think after every loss prior to this, I’ve thought “just one more.” But I feel in my body it’s different this time. Who knows what the future holds, but as of right now, I know with all of my body that I can only handle one more. I hope you never have to know what this feels like….I hope no one else does.

  8. Eggceptionally Blue October 27, 2011 at 11:02 pm #

    You are so strong, that is really all I can think of to say. To have been through what you’ve been through, and to still have such dignity…. I just can’t imagine how I’d be. You’re definitely not a quitter, and it doesn’t sound like you’re giving up. You have FOUGHT! And you’re just open to something else, whatever that is. So you’re STRONG, I admire you SO much.

    • bodegabliss November 1, 2011 at 9:25 am #

      This comment made me cry. Thank you for what you said. You have no idea how much it meant to read these words.

  9. Jjiraffe October 28, 2011 at 12:02 am #

    I have been thinking about this beautifully written, graceful, brave post all day, and as Esperanza once said about the truly great posts, I don’t want to sully your page with my drivel. But I think you have the biggest heart of anyone I know, ever. And I’m glad you put this out there.
    xoxo

    • bodegabliss November 1, 2011 at 9:26 am #

      Like I said to E, you have helped me get to this point. Your love and support has given me the strength to get here and to be able to say this. xoxo

  10. missohkay October 28, 2011 at 5:08 am #

    I get this post. Like, really GET IT. I often feel weak because I maxed out at 3 losses, but I knew that was my breaking point (at least for child #1… maybe my heart will heal enough to try again later). I’m sorry you’ve been through so much, but I really admire your honesty. And I sincerely hope that one more pregnancy is all it takes for you!

    • bodegabliss November 1, 2011 at 9:27 am #

      Isn’t it funny we feel the need to compare pain? Why do we do this? When I look back, I have no idea how I made it through 4. I don’t know how a woman makes it through 1, to be honest.

  11. nobabiesyet October 28, 2011 at 1:44 pm #

    I just really wanted to say thank you for writing this. It means a lot to be to hear that it’s okay to want to give up and to actually “give up” I feel like with some people in my life it’s not acceptable to them for me not to try everything…to go through every procedure possible, put my body through hell on a chance (this is of course coming from friends who have NO problems getting pregnant) and part of me was starting to doubt if I could walk away and not look back and feel like I did everything possible to make my dream a reality. But then I read your piece and reminded myself that this journey is mine and my husbands, and we together will chose our correct path to life long happiness. And I’m starting to really believe that my path may not include a child that I birth. But that doesn’t mean my life won’t be filled with joy and happiness so again thank you for being so honest with the stuff that sucks and helping me to once again know that whatever decision we make it will be the right one.

    • bodegabliss November 1, 2011 at 9:37 am #

      This comment struck me the most, I can’t thank you enough for posting it. I was so worried when I put all of this out here, that no one would understand and that my hope in all of it, would go unanswered. Your comment made it all worth it. It blows my mind that people can still believe that I’m giving up, when I’ve gone through so much to get here. I want you to know that I’m to the point that if I lose my next pregnancy and choose to go on a different path after, I would feel like I did all that I could to make my dream a reality. I believe with all of my heart that I can find a life with joy and happiness. I don’t know if everyone could get to this point, but I have, which means that there’s hope for you if you need to choose the same. I hope you don’t need to. I hope I’m the only one out there that may have to choose a new dream to believe in….but I’m not there yet. One more try.

  12. chon October 28, 2011 at 6:30 pm #

    This post made me sad because I could relate to it so much. I had been having the same thoughts with this current IVF. Would I have the strength to go through it again, or worse did I want to? I had started investigating other options such as adoption and foster care (none that were wildly satisfying either). I think at some point you need a break. Whether it be a break from TTC a total stop or just a game changer where you stop thinking about it all the time. It’s not so much about giving up as opposed to changing the goal posts and being happy. Nobody can tell you what to do and only you and your husband can come to the decision together but I just want to say before you decide to move away from TTC and move towards a different life just make sure you are happy that you have exhausted the opportunities so that you will not look back on your life and wonder “what if”. You are an amazingly strong woman and you will make the decision that suits you. I can’t imagine the horrors of RPL, repeated IVF failure had nothing on my one miscarriage so my hat goes off to you every single time. xoxo

    • chon October 28, 2011 at 9:01 pm #

      i just want to edit this to add by exhausting all opportunities I was no way inferring that you need to do all of the medical stuff – I realise that could have come off sounding really condescending and that wasn’t my intention at all!! just the ones that you are prepared or want to take!

      • bodegabliss November 1, 2011 at 9:43 am #

        Thank you, Chon. I can’t imagine having to go through repeat IVF cycles. I actually feel almost like I’m weak when I think about IVF and the strength it takes to go through that — I honestly don’t think I have that in me. I don’t know how women can do that, I am always so impressed at the women that do (you included). It’s incredible how we compare one another’s struggles, isn’t it?

        I didn’t think you were condescending at all. 😉

  13. Port of Indecision October 30, 2011 at 8:57 pm #

    Like Tracy said, it’s not giving up, it’s choosing another path. It’s a constant weighing of pros and cons, of what can I live without and what can I not live without? And at a point, the RPL crazy train becomes the thing that takes the bigger toll, and its cons outweigh the pros of maybe-possibly-hopefully-someday having a pregnancy that works out. Before this pregnancy, I was heavily weighing and researching both donor eggs and childfree living. I was pretty much almost there, and couldn’t decide which of those two felt like the lesser of two evils to me. At a certain point, the preferable option at the very least *feels like* it’s gone, even though it’s possible it’s not – but it may as well be gone but that’s the only reality that seems can ever be.

    That’s a really long and blerghy way to say, I get what you’re saying, and I’ll be thinking of you.

    • bodegabliss November 1, 2011 at 9:45 am #

      Thank you, Port. I remember after my fourth loss you said that was the game-changer for you and I’ve always held that. To know someone else understood exactly how that one felt, meant so much to me. Thank you for saying this and for being a constant source of support. I could never thank you enough.

  14. Elphaba October 31, 2011 at 10:00 am #

    It’s so unbelievably unfair that you even have to consider these thoughts, but I suppose you are right. At some point we have to make the decision that we are done and eventually, have to make peace with that. You are so brave and so strong–I wish I could give you a hug in real life.

    • bodegabliss November 1, 2011 at 9:44 am #

      Me too. One day, we’ll get to make up for all the hugs we’ve wanted to give one another over the years.

  15. starfishkittydreams November 1, 2011 at 9:21 am #

    Thank you so much for posting. I felt like you spoke my heart. I can totally understand the feeling of being tired of all this and the hopelessness that can go along with that. It’s like how much more of this can anyone take? One loss is heartbreaking and repeat loss is just torture. I haven’t had the strength to post lately but wanted to stop in and see how you were doing. As always I hoping the best for you on this road and keeping my fingers crossed.

    • bodegabliss November 1, 2011 at 9:48 am #

      I’ve been thinking about you, too. You’ve been silent for a few weeks and I was going to email you to check in. I’m sorry you’ve had a difficult time posting lately. I hope you know you can call me or email me anytime you need to talk. I’m still keeping hope for you and the fingers will remain crossed.

  16. Kristen November 1, 2011 at 10:38 am #

    This is such a beautiful and heartbreaking post. I am so sorry for all of your losses…I can only imagine. And I know what you mean about “giving up”. I guess it’s easy for me to say this while pregnant, but it’s something I’ve been thinking for some time now…I always thought money would be the thing that limited us in what we did to TTC but it’s become clearer and clearer that it’s what I can handle emotionally that is going to be our stopping point. I truly believe there is happiness for all of us whether we come out of this with a child or not…but being happy and OK in the middle of TTC…it’s just so hard.
    I’m glad you have one more try and I am hoping and praying like mad that you get your wished-for baby.
    Hugs to you…
    XO

  17. Mo November 1, 2011 at 10:50 am #

    I’ve been trying to think about what to comment on this except how much I love you. There is one more thing to say: I’m proud of you.

  18. Justine November 4, 2011 at 5:39 am #

    This is so beautiful, so poignant, so brave. Maybe you will be lucky this time, but looking for the joy that you can find in you, no matter what happens, is such an incredibly difficult step to take … and I know that we will all be here to cheer you on and support you, whatever happens. *hug*

  19. cattiz j November 4, 2011 at 10:30 am #

    It takes real courage to come to such a decision. I have no idea how it feels to lose a pregnancy, it must be so devastating. I knew I had a third ivf-round in me if the last one would fail but that might have been it. There’s no way it can be compared but that’s my experience with trying… Also I wanted to say this was very well written.

    Here from Mel’s Blog Roundup.

  20. Detour November 4, 2011 at 1:43 pm #

    Beautiful post. My heart is breaking for you and I hear where you are coming from. I’ve had 2 losses and don’t know how many more I can bear. Thank you for putting so eloquently the questions we all ask as we go through this.

  21. kate November 4, 2011 at 3:50 pm #

    I didn’t read the comments. I can’t. Reading the post was hard enough. I remember this feeling. I remember not wanting to be one of “those women”. I couldn’t imagine a life without children, I could NOT imagine giving up. But, I did. I think for me, it was more a letting go process. After failed IVF’s and numerous miscarriages and a failed adoption, I didn’t have the heart to keep going on. I prefer to think of it as letting go because I don’t think I gave up. I think I gave my whole heart.

  22. JustHeather November 5, 2011 at 8:50 am #

    My heart just broke reading this, because at the moment I fear that is where my next step is. I’m not ready to “give up” yet, but at the same time I’m feeling more and more like there isn’t much chance of me getting pregnant and having a child. And I don’t know if my husband and I can handle adoption or if we’d even want to. All I know is I’m not there yet, but it terrifies me of the day I will be.
    I’m sorry for your losses and I wish you nothing but strength and peace whereever your journey takes you.

  23. Gail K November 7, 2011 at 6:14 am #

    “This is knowing when you’ve done all that your heart can bear.” – Wow, that totally sums up where I am right now. We decided to end our journey last month after 2 1/2 years of trying. We never got pregnant, never had a miscarriage, never even got a false positive. But, I’ve done all that my heart can bear and am finished. What the next chapter will bring? Who knows.

    I”m here from Mel’s weekly blog roundup. And, I’m wishing you peace.

  24. Slackie O. November 10, 2011 at 6:49 pm #

    Thank you. For hitting publish and for your comment on my blog. I actually found this post through the Round-Up two weeks ago. It was so reassuring to see given all that’s been swirling in my own heart recently.

  25. Brave IVF Girl November 12, 2011 at 3:50 pm #

    I’ve saved this post in my Google Reader since you wrote it and am just now getting around to adding my comment.

    It’s not giving up – it’s deciding that the path you’re on isn’t the right one anymore and you have to find the one that is.

    I’ve had two miscarriages, and after the second, knew we would likely move on to donor eggs, but wasn’t quite ready. So we did chromosomal testing for our next IVF, and ended up with a BFN. Now we’re doing donor eggs, with chromosomal testing, because I’ll pay anything to reduce my chances of another miscarriage.

    I don’t know what my quit point is – I sense you’re right that there’s a point where your body and mind just tell you it’s getting close.

    I hope this last try is the one for you, and I wish you peace either way.

  26. embracingtherain November 13, 2011 at 7:27 pm #

    I can really relate to this post. Thank you for sharing it. I hope that you listen to your heart and do what is right for you. I also hope that pregnancy number 5 happens soon for you and results in a living child.

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