In the last couple of weeks, I’ve noticed a dramatic change in my spirit. I’ve begun to feel lighter, even starting to believe that maybe this road moving forward doesn’t have to be so bad. Maybe I can still find joy along this path my life has taken. I’ve even felt it in my entire body, this joy starting to creep in.
Until yesterday, that is.
Yesterday, when I started my day with a negative pregnancy test. It’s safe to say that put a little bit of a temporary damper on my spirit.
The tears I fought back during the day came to the surface with the bitter reminder of just how tired I am of all of this. I know I’ve said that a thousand times before, but it’s times like this where my exhaustion with this comes rushing back and I just want it be over. After the fourth loss, the last little bit of fight I had in me dissipated; and for my own sanity, I knew I needed to start becoming more comfortable with accepting I may not have a child of my own. Yet in order for me to fully accept that that may be my fate, I know I have to give it one more try.
So that’s where I am now….trying to give it one more try. Except I’m anxious for that try to hurry up and get here, because I can’t keep living in this world of not knowing. Two years with 4 devastating losses has made that world hell.
I know what you are thinking, especially those of you still in the thick of it, still with some fight left in you: Don’t give up! You can’t give up! That’s what I would have said a loss or two ago, back when I still felt in my heart I couldn’t give up until I had that child in my arms. I couldn’t even fathom how women could even get to the point where they would stop fighting for that. I couldn’t understand how they could just give up.
That was all before I knew what devastation four losses would bring to me and my life. After each of their little hearts stopped beating, a part of mine stopped with it. The part that would do anything to have a baby. The part that will be forever left with the four I was forced to leave behind. I am all of a sudden looking into the face of the women I feared so much of becoming. The part of my heart that wants to keep fighting for this until I have that baby in my arm…has started to slow to a stop.
I know to a lot of you, this probably sounds incredibly sad. And to the part of me that mourns for the life I thought I was going to have…is incredibly sad by this. I also know some of you may be frightened you may have to get to this point yourself. I know what that feels like, I know how scary that is. But that’s part of why I’m writing this. It turns out I was wrong all along. This isn’t giving up. This is knowing when you’ve done all that your heart can bear.
It’s me trying to stop the pain I keep experiencing from being inside all of this. It’s me questioning if the pain still feels worth it, and all of a sudden feeling the desire to fight my way out of it all, instead of fighting for what I have desired all along.
If my last try doesn’t work out, I know the road still won’t be easy, at least not until all of my friends and family get out of the “child-bearing” years. Even then the pain will still be present at every birth I hear about that isn’t my own; but at least now I have faith it will lesson as time passes. That’s what this has brought me. I now believe life can still be wonderful and happy, even if the part of me having my own child doesn’t come true. The part of me that’s lighter is the part of me that is ready to begin new dreams that can take the place of my old dreams. I need to move on from this chapter in my life so I can start living it again, because while living in this hell, I’ve lost who I was. And yet at the same time, I know I’ve uncovered a new me that I’m ready to discover.
Please know I’m not saying this to try and convince those of you out there in the midst of this battle to stop fighting. The chances you’ll have a baby are very much on your side, especially if you still have the fight. Don’t give that up until you’ve done absolutely all that your heart can bear. This is simply my story and what my experience has led me to, not your story or where you’ll end up. I hope you continue to fight and get what you so badly want. Even if this chapter of my life closes without a baby in my arms, I’ll still fight for you to get yours. That fight hasn’t ended. I’m here until the end for all of you. And maybe in the meantime, you’ll get to see me fight for something new.
Or maybe you will get to see me with one in mine. I do still have one more try, after all. And you never know…maybe if we just relax…