Somedays, it takes all that I have to get out from under this quilt and face the world.
As a direct result of this fourth loss and facing the reality that I may never be able to have a child, I seem to have become quite restless in my day-to-day life. I’ve realized that if I’m not able to fulfill my dream of having a family, then I need to have something else in my life (other than my amazing husband) that is worth waking up for. I’ve been sitting at a desk of some form for nearly 10 years and I feel in my gut that it’s not what I was meant to do. Don’t get me wrong – I’m thankful to have a job, especially one that does such important work for the world – but when a huge part of my dreams have been shattered, it’s impossible to want to come and face this computer and this desk every day.
I admire those that seem to love what they do. They wake up in the morning excited to see what the day brings. Tim is one of those people, and I adore that part of him so very much. He loves what he does and rises early in order to get started because it’s his passion and why would he want to sleep when he could be working? As he jumps out of bed, I roll over to hit the snooze one or ten more times, contemplating calling in sick.
I’m thankful that out of this awful experience of having my heart broken into a thousand little pieces, it has left my heart yearning for something more. I’m determined to somehow be able to live my passion every single day. To have something to get out of bed for. I want my passion to call to me, not my quilt.
I just don’t know where to start. The people I work with have become my family, so I have to find a way to be okay here until I see a way to make my new dreams a realization, not letting them down in the process. So for now, I have to keep coming to this computer and this desk until I can afford to do otherwise….knowing that someday, I’ll want to get out of bed.