The parade.

7 Aug

If you’re freshly off a loss (or four), I don’t recommend going to a parade.  Did you know parades are filled with happy families and smiling babies?  Apparently I had forgotten this because I went to one this morning and I didn’t handle it very well.  It started out okay, I even had a mocha in my hands as a special treat.  But the longer I sat there waiting for the parade to start, the more I looked around, and the more I was hit with visions of what I may never be able to have, but want with every bone in my body.  I tried to keep the tears away for as long as I could.  They were filling my eyes, threatening to fall.  When they finally did, I couldn’t get them to stop.  I told Tim we’d have to leave as soon as it was over (there was a fair and music afterward), and he happily obliged.  As soon as the last horse passed, we squeezed through the crowds and walked towards home.  It took all I had to make it to the house before I broke down.

This is the part I hate.  The part where I can’t be a part of society without being reminded of my losses and what I could have had.  I wonder how long this will last….when the time will come that I can handle being around families and babies and not feel as if my heart is being ripped out of my chest.  I wonder when the tears will stop falling and I’ll be okay.

It feels like it’s not even on the horizon.


7 Responses to “The parade.”

  1. Starfishkitty August 7, 2011 at 8:53 pm #

    I am so sorry about this morning. I totally understand your pain. Parades, kid birthday parties, farmers markets, zoos and the lust goes on. Some days I can take it and others I just can’t hold back the tears.

    Meanwhile we are in vacation and seeing kits if families too, but mostly with Tweens and teenagers. It’s REALLY hard to be around young families like you describe. I hope you can find a break away from the babies and new parents.

  2. Jjiraffe August 7, 2011 at 11:11 pm #

    (((Hugs))) I remember boycotting Fourth of July. It was just too painful. Thinking of you, and also, I am loving your August Break entries.

    Let’s hang out soon. I think (hope) I’m back for good.

  3. Mo August 8, 2011 at 3:44 am #

    love you. That is all.

  4. Hope August 8, 2011 at 11:18 am #

    (((Hugs))). Events (and places) that crawl with families can be so hard. Thinking of you.

  5. eggsinarow August 9, 2011 at 9:10 am #

    I get it. I do. It’s so hard. You want to be a normal person and be able to go to the following: weddings, funerals, grocery stores, Target, doctor’s offices, etc…but sometimes it just grabs you. I know. Hugs.

  6. Kristen August 9, 2011 at 12:41 pm #

    Sorry for all the hurt the parade caused. Totally understandable, but still so hard. Hugs to you…
    PS Thanks so much for your comment a few days ago on my post about Santa Barbara. You totally get it…different situation but same thing with your husband saying you could go back east to be with your nephews if things on the baby front don’t work out (although I’m praying, praying, praying that they do for you…)

  7. Esperanza August 9, 2011 at 1:03 pm #

    Honestly, I don’t think it does get better until there has been some kind of resolution, like a successful pregnancy or adoption or deciding to live childfree. I just don’t think it gets much better for most people until that happens. I remember reading a book (About What Was Lost – do you have it? If not I’ll lend it to you) about miscarriage and by the end I realized that ALL of the authors were either pregnant or already had had another baby. Not one piece was written by someone still in the throes of it, still waiting, unsure of what might happen. I think it’s because until people have made it to the other side it’s just too hard, it’s too raw, they can’t reflect on it. And I think they can’t really heal.

    I know this is not what you wanted to hear but I think it’s the truth. Maybe it won’t hurt so bad to see those things but I think until you’ve reached a place of resolution – whatever that looks like for you – it will be really hard.

    I love you so much. And I’m so sorry you’re experience all this suffering.


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