Sometimes, it’s just too much.

4 Aug

I couldn’t sleep last night.

I couldn’t sleep because I’m exhausted.

Right before I shut the light off, I told Tim how hard it is sometimes to keep living the day-to-day while going through something like this.  It feels impossible to process this kind of loss and grief when, for the almost two years I’ve been battling this, I’ve still been waking up every single day and going to work, coming home, making dinner, going to bed, and waking up all over again.  Every day my actions are pretending that I haven’t been going through this incredibly life-changing ordeal.

I’m not saying I want a medal, or recognition, or even a slight pause or glance from anyone else….what I want and need, is a pause from myself.  As I shut the light out, I had visions of a month away in solitude;* a month break from everything in my life just to process the huge weight of these losses that I’ve been carrying with me.  It feels impossible to do so when your daily life is still present, acting like nothing happened (how dare it!).

With each loss, a part of me has shifted permanently.  And yet a very large part of me keeps having to go on like nothing has changed.  Which is completely and utterly fair, I understand that…it’s life after all.  But all I ask for is a break.  I think I’d even take a week at this point to process it all.  Two days a week that are usually spent helping to take care of my step-daughter is not enough.

Before I went to bed I recalled what a friend told me earlier in the day: that my acupuncturist is no longer working on pregnant women.  I know it’s not mine to take on, but I felt an immense amount of guilt take over me when I heard this.  The day I found out I had lost the fourth, I called to cancel my appointment that was planned for the next day because there was no point.  I had left it on his voicemail, telling him the baby was gone.  The days following I felt unfairly betrayed by him and still do.  Prior to this last pregnancy, I had tried everything Western medicine was willing to do for me at the time, and I wrongly laid all my hope on acupuncture.  He was going to make it work, he was a miracle worker after-all, and I had friends who were proof.  But it wasn’t his specialty and I knew that and I need to stop blaming some of the loss on him.  It’s just easy to do because there’s no one else to blame.  As a result of my disappointment in his hands, I haven’t contacted him since.  Despite my therapist’s wish for me to see him so he’ll help my body heal, I just can’t do it.  And now I find out he’s no longer accepting pregnant patients.  There is no way that this is not a direct result of me and my loss.  I felt while I was seeing him that he had a special fondness for me and my case.  With my loss, he lost some of his hope, too.  And now pregnant women throughout the area are missing out on his miracle hands, and it’s all because of me.  I know that with this change he’s just admitting that it’s not his specialty, but it still stings to know I was the cause of that.

I just need a break from all of this.  Two years and four losses amongst daily life feels too much for me to handle sometimes.

* I’d like Tim to visit, please.  A month is too long away from that part of my life.  

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10 Responses to “Sometimes, it’s just too much.”

  1. slcurwin August 4, 2011 at 6:15 pm #

    I could REALLY use a break from myself. I like me, but I just feel like escaping the bitter angry addition that has settled in…and most likely wont ever leave. We should all just relocate each other for a month at a time. Pick a random location, job and strange new hobby/ activity to attend. We could get creative with it and really get away from ourselves.

    • bodegabliss August 5, 2011 at 9:02 am #

      Let’s do it. Wait, I remember an offer from Elphaba that involved land and cows…we need to cash in on that, STAT. It was for her parents, but that’s a minor detail. Ha! (nice to hear from you, btw!)

  2. Port of Indecision August 4, 2011 at 7:23 pm #

    Can you take a break? EVen a short one, like 3-4 days? My husband and I fled to the coast for a little 4-day trip a couple weeks ago, and the distance from our worries and responsibilities and just life in general was a good recharge. It’s not a cure-all, that’s for sure. But there is no cure for this. All you can do is find little ways to get a break from yourself and your life and it that it entails.

    ((hugs))

  3. Megan August 4, 2011 at 8:30 pm #

    Sheesh, I feel the same way. Isn’t that horrible? I don’t have much to complain about and still….

    I feel like a wiener for even admitting it. I currently do not face the same challenges as you, but still, sometimes I’d just like to run away. For like a week.

    Anyway, you’re so much stronger than I am. I find myself so frustrated and then remember how lucky I am. But I still feel frustrated sometimes.

    Lets run away together. Hey, I know, how about the weekend of Sept 24? You in? I cannot wait.

    • bodegabliss August 5, 2011 at 9:00 am #

      Hey, the weekend of September 24th sounds great! 😉

      And even if you are aware how much you are blessed, you’re still allowed to feel frustrated. There’s no where that says you have to be outwardly grateful every second of the day. That’s exhausting!

      Yay! Can’t wait to see you!

  4. Flowergirl August 5, 2011 at 2:41 am #

    Hun, sounds like you do need a break. If you can’t physcially get away, are you able to change your routine at all???

    Also, are you getting counselling, sounds like you need it.

    You’ve very kind towards your acupuncturist. I had accupuncture during my last round of IVF, and whilst it was successful, I miscarried very early. I also haven’t been back to see her. I’ve heard such mixed reports – those in the field report to positive results, but actually I believe the scientific studies are inconclusive. Actually, I’m slightly annoyed with the person who told you. Let the guilt go, he wouldn’t want you blaming yourself for this, perhaps he will now take the time to study this area before moving back into it if he did find it interesting?

  5. Esperanza August 5, 2011 at 9:55 am #

    Oh my god. I want to give you a month away (with visits from Tim) SO BADLY!!!!!! Ugh. I wish I could make that happen for you. I know what you mean about the every day stuff wearing you down so you can’t process your grief. I was so lucky that I lost my first pregnancy relatively early into my summer. It made the summer horrible but there wasn’t a day that went by when I didn’t thank the universe for that. I could NOT have been at work during that time, standing in front of my students while methotrexate wreaked havoc in my body and I started crying for no apparent reason. I was very, very lucky to have that time at home and by the time work started I was in a much better place for it. I wish you could have that time too. I’m so sorry you can’t.

    Maybe we could do a weekend away. Maybe go to Harbin Hotsprings or something? That might be fun. Let me know if you’re interested in one night somewhere. I’ll totally go!

  6. Elphaba August 5, 2011 at 10:45 am #

    I wish I could give you a break from all this. Hugs.

  7. Mo August 5, 2011 at 12:33 pm #

    I have nothing else to say except I love you. Hope that’s enough for now.

  8. Kristen August 5, 2011 at 4:29 pm #

    You have had A LOT of losses in a short amount of time, and I think you’re so right, it’s so hard to process this sort of thing when just running around acting normal and following your busy everyday routine. Is there any way you can orchestrate some sort of break for yourself, even if it’s not a whole month? I know it seems totally self-indulgent, but it just seems like it would be such a healthy thing to do if there’s any way you could swing it…
    Hugs to you…

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