Last night was the first time since June 1st that I’ve really lost I it. I was a crying mess; hyperventilating and shaking, asking Tim over and over why this was happening to us. I think up until then I had had it in my head that this wasn’t going to happen for us, that I needed to accept the fact it was over, that I was going have to give up. But something last night finally hit me and I became terrified. I crawled into bed and woke Tim up hysterical, burrowing into his arms in need of the comfort only he can give.
It made me realize I’m not ready to accept that I might not be a mother to a child I birthed, but I am so scared that that is my fate. I feel like there is probably a 10% chance I’ll be able to do this – the remaining 90% will have to be either surrogacy or accepting life without motherhood.* Do you know how hard it is to be okay with those kind of odds? My instincts have rarely proved me wrong, and it’s frightening that my gut is telling me that everything I grew up wanting, is being forced to change.
I’m thankful that out of my hysterics, my desire to not give up was reawakened. I realized I’m not ready to wave the white flag and accept that 90%. I can’t believe I’m going to say this, but I think I have one more loss in me. I will pray to whoever will listen that I won’t have to go through another one, but the only way to keep trying to do this with my body is to be okay with another loss.
I have an appointment with my doctor this week and we’re going to discuss what to do next. I know she wants me to wait a while to try again, but I waited a whole year just to lose another one and I refuse to waste that time again. I don’t regret the wait, but it pains me to think how much further along this path we could be if we hadn’t.
I’m ready now to find out what this outcome will be and how many more tears will be shed. I just want this nightmare to be over and my life to stop being in a perpetual state of pause and suspense. It’s not a way to keep living.
* Tim and I have discussed adoption and we’re not sure it’s an option for us. I guess that’s for another post.