Unfavorable odds.

10 Jul

Last night was the first time since June 1st that I’ve really lost I it.  I was a crying mess; hyperventilating and shaking, asking Tim over and over why this was happening to us.  I think up until then I had had it in my head that this wasn’t going to happen for us, that I needed to accept the fact it was over, that I was going have to give up.  But something last night finally hit me and I became terrified.  I crawled into bed and woke Tim up hysterical, burrowing into his arms in need of the comfort only he can give.

It made me realize I’m not ready to accept that I might not be a mother to a child I birthed, but I am so scared that that is my fate.  I feel like there is probably a 10% chance I’ll be able to do this – the remaining 90% will have to be either surrogacy or accepting life without motherhood.*  Do you know how hard it is to be okay with those kind of odds?  My instincts have rarely proved me wrong, and it’s frightening that my gut is telling me that everything I grew up wanting, is being forced to change.

I’m thankful that out of my hysterics, my desire to not give up was reawakened.  I realized I’m not ready to wave the white flag and accept that 90%.  I can’t believe I’m going to say this, but I think I have one more loss in me.  I will pray to whoever will listen that I won’t have to go through another one, but the only way to keep trying to do this with my body is to be okay with another loss.

I have an appointment with my doctor this week and we’re going to discuss what to do next.  I know she wants me to wait a while to try again, but I waited a whole year just to lose another one and I refuse to waste that time again.  I don’t regret the wait, but it pains me to think how much further along this path we could be if we hadn’t.

I’m ready now to find out what this outcome will be and how many more tears will be shed.  I just want this nightmare to be over and  my life to stop being in a perpetual state of pause and suspense.  It’s not a way to keep living.

* Tim and I have discussed adoption and we’re not sure it’s an option for us.  I guess that’s for another post.

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11 Responses to “Unfavorable odds.”

  1. Tracy July 10, 2011 at 10:59 pm #

    I’m sorry you had such a rough night. I am glad though that you have found the strength to move forward 🙂

  2. Marie July 11, 2011 at 4:25 am #

    You forgot the footnote. I assume it has something to do with K, or how there are other paths to motherhood, or something.

    Big, big hugs to you, darling. I’m proud of your strength. xoxox.

    • bodegabliss July 11, 2011 at 8:40 am #

      I realized that I had forgotten the footnote once I was lying in bed and too lazy to get out and add it. It’s up now! Although, yes, I guess it should have included something about K as I am a mother in that regard…but I’ve been wanting to write an entire post on that lately, so stay tuned (and how fun you’ve met her, p.s.!)

  3. eggsinarow July 11, 2011 at 9:20 am #

    I am so happy that you had that breakdown…because losing the energy to keep fighting is what ultimately brings you down in this infertility thing, you know? You are allowed to cry and yell…that’s what brings about the healing, I think! 🙂

  4. jjiraffe July 11, 2011 at 1:34 pm #

    I just heard a bunch of great things from a friend about UCSF. I know you have an upcoming appointment there, just wanted to let you know that the buzz is good!

  5. Port of Indecision July 11, 2011 at 6:06 pm #

    Yep. I’m well acquainted with how it feels to have those odds. And I’m well acquainted with how it feels to not be ready to wave the white flag in spite of them. And to wonder if I’m crazy, or stupid, and to start thinking about how many losses and what kinds I’m willing to go through before I do wave the white flag. And it’s completely fucked. But what else are you supposed to do?

  6. Suzy July 12, 2011 at 3:22 am #

    I have all the shitty odds too. We too were recently at the point of waving the white flag and giving in. I decided it was too important to quit and I would do whatever it took (thousands more $$ we don’t have, yet another miscarriage, anything). I handed it over and said to the universe, essentially, “throw what you have to at me, I am NOT giving up”.

    That was the month I got pregnant. I’m only 9 weeks though and we still have to see whether we are battling the same chromosomal abnormalities our son had, but I am so glad I didn’t give up.

    What else can we do but continue to fight?

  7. Amanda July 12, 2011 at 10:38 am #

    I’m so sorry you had such a rough night. I have those moments too…where I’m half sad and half pissed off that this is even happening, and that we had to go through 2 losses ontop of all this infertility shit. You certainly aren’t alone in that regard, and I’m thankful your husband was there to comfort you.

    I agree with trying again. For me, it’s what kept me sane. It was something to focus on, and something to put hope towards. Please don’t lose hope. You are stronger than you think.

  8. Kristen July 13, 2011 at 9:30 am #

    I’m sorry for the pain you are going through. I understand the desire to keep going and not waste any time…I feel the same way, I want to get through whatever medical procedures we have left as quickly as possible and be done with all this. Living in limbo is so hard…
    Hugs to you…

  9. starfishkittydreams July 13, 2011 at 3:05 pm #

    I am so sorry you had one of those nights. I’ve totally been there. Having talked with a lot of other folks in a similar boat recently I’ve managed to be more optimistic. It may sound unbelievable but I think your/our chances are still good. The hardest part is the waiting and not knowing.

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