Four.

29 Jun

Almost a month ago, at 8 weeks 5 days, I found out my baby’s heart had stopped beating.  Two days later, on June 3rd, I had a D&C and another baby taken from me.

Yes, I was pregnant and I’m sorry I kept it from you.  There were people in my real life that deserved to know that I was pregnant before they found out on my blog.  Except the shitty part is I never got to tell them that I was pregnant and instead I had to tell them I lost a fourth baby.

Four.  I’ve lost four babies.  That number is daunting.  That number changes everything.  At three, there was still a chance, my percentages were still pretty great.  But four?  At four they’re not so good.  At four I have to start thinking that this might not happen for us.  At four I have to start imagining alternatives – alternatives I never wanted to face.

I’ve tried to get on here a million times to write this post, but I could never figure out how to start it.  I didn’t think I had the energy to write about this again (this was supposed to be a pregnancy blog after all).  But it’s not just that, things for me have changed after losing this last baby.  Everything I thought before now, is gone.  I think I’m still trying to figure out how to explain how my thoughts have changed and how I’m feeling, but I still haven’t found a way to describe it.  I’m certainly pissed this happened, angry that I’m having to go through this again.  I never thought I’d be here…everyone that knew told me that the last baby was it, this time it was sticking.  I really thought so, too.  But it didn’t stick.  It never sticks.  Or rather, it sticks, but it’s heart just stops beating.

Something else that has changed is I’ve finally realized that I have absolutely no control over the fate of my pregnancies.  While I was pregnant this last time, I took it easy.  I didn’t go for my daily walks, I didn’t stay on my feet for very long, and I rested as much as I could.  I also did ridiculous things like refuse to sit in the chair at my doctor’s office that I sat in the day I found out I lost the third, or refuse to turn on the light in the bathroom that was on while I was losing the second.  I scheduled my appointments no where near the appointment dates from the last time.  I thought the stupid Katy Perry song about fireworks that was playing the second I got in my car after seeing the heartbeat was a good sign because the lyrics really effected me when I lost the third when she says that part about doors shutting and finally the right one opens or some shit like that.  But none of it helped, the baby still died.  Plus it was exhausting keeping all of that up.  I mean, I was bordering on OCD, I realize this.   I get why I did it, though.  We have absolutely no control over our pregnancies or this process we’re going through, and it gives us a feeling that somehow we’re controlling it.  I get that.  I’ve been superstitious my entire life and I just didn’t realize how much so until this last pregnancy.  But that’s all gone now.  I finally get it, universe.  I have absolutely no control over what is going to happen, pregnancy or not.  I hear you.

Can you sense my anger?  I think that’s the biggest difference for me this time….I’m just as pissed off as I am sad, if not more.  So much for the joy, eh?

This wasn’t supposed to be me.  This wasn’t what I thought would be my life.  But here I am.  This is really happening.

My doctor wants to send me to UCSF where they specialize in fertility.  I’m all for it, but worried about the cost.  I have a stack of hospital bills at home as it is, and that’s with insurance.  I may just have to move to Israel after all…Mo, you ready for me?

One thing that is very different this time is the support I have been given and the love I have been shown.  Some incredible ladies I’ve met through this blog have given me the feeling of being understood, which was what I was missing all of the other times….and I can’t tell you what a difference it makes.  I will never be able to thank you guys enough or ever have the words to describe what all of this has meant to me.  I don’t think I’d be as okay as I am right now without you.  You have made it easier to get out of bed, you have warmed my heart, and made me all emotional and sloppy from crying because I just feel so blessed.  If I can be thankful for anything throughout all of this mess, it’s you guys.  The posts you wrote while I was deep in the thick of it, and the comments people left gave me so much strength – strength I’m still feeling now.  This strength is going to help me beat this, I know it will.  You all are a pretty damn good consolation prize.

Of course I don’t want to leave out the people in my life not through this blog that have been there all along.  I am so lucky to have you in my life, I can’t imagine it without you.  Thank you for the care packages, and the calls and the love from thousands of miles away.  I know most of you don’t know what this feels like, and all you can do is love me…and I’m saying now you’ve done that and I couldn’t be more thankful.  And thank you, family, for loving me no matter what.  I know it’s been difficult to see me like this for almost two years now, and I promise I won’t always be like this.  You just have to stand by me a little while longer, okay?  You have to help me fight this.

You should know that despite this anger and change in the way I’m thinking that I’m not giving up.  I still somehow have hope and I’m going to fight.  I’ll probably even fight harder now that odds are against me.  I may finally be able to put that competitive nature to good use.  Wait, can I fight against myself and win?  I sure as hell hope so.

I do know one thing….four better be the last fucking number I know.

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40 Responses to “Four.”

  1. Marie June 29, 2011 at 10:57 am #

    This made me cry. Know we would have done more if we could have. And you have EVERY right to be angry. Embrace it.

    • bodegabliss June 29, 2011 at 11:59 am #

      I don’t even think I realized how angry I really was until I wrote this. Hope to see you this weekend! I can give you a huge “thank you” hug. I promise to let go eventually. But I have a lot of thanks to give…

  2. eggsinarow June 29, 2011 at 10:58 am #

    OMG. I am so, so, so sorry. I am. I wish I knew what to say. I understand the OCD stuff more than you will ever know…it’s comforting to think that you have some kind of control, right? Much love and light.

    • bodegabliss June 29, 2011 at 12:16 pm #

      It is totally a comfort. But I just don’t have the energy any more. Does that make sense? It was too disappointing when none of it mattered.

      • eggsinarow June 29, 2011 at 6:44 pm #

        Yes. I totally do. How exhausting is it to worry about the things you can and can’t control, much less the things you pretend you can control but can’t? I’m tired now, I must go take a nap. (Said in a Forrest Gump voice). Hugs, Bodega. Hugs and Chocolate.

  3. Mo June 29, 2011 at 10:59 am #

    I love you, you are amazing, and it’s a good thing we’re getting a bigger place because you can get your own room! 🙂

    • bodegabliss June 29, 2011 at 12:17 pm #

      Yes! Perfect! Or I could just sleep on that incredible balcony of yours…

      • Marie June 29, 2011 at 1:03 pm #

        I already called dibs on the balcony. I’m bringing a tent and everything.

      • bodegabliss June 29, 2011 at 1:04 pm #

        But I can share! I’m a good share-er!

      • Mo June 29, 2011 at 4:41 pm #

        OK! two person tent on the balcony! done! just get your butts over here. 🙂

  4. Lulu June 29, 2011 at 11:06 am #

    Wow. I have no words. I am so sorry.

  5. Amanda June 29, 2011 at 11:07 am #

    Oh no…I’m so sorry. There are no words for these things. I’m inspired by your strength… xo

  6. Steph June 29, 2011 at 11:44 am #

    This brought tears to my eyes! I am so sorry. You are strong and amazing and a fighter. Having gone through 1 messy loss last March myself I definitely can relate a little bit to your words and feelings. Sending you hugs and prayers!!

    • bodegabliss June 29, 2011 at 12:18 pm #

      I’m sorry for your loss. No one should have to go through this. No one. I’m sending hugs and prayers right back.

  7. bodegabliss June 29, 2011 at 11:46 am #

    And just like that…I’m shown so much love and support. You guys are all awesome. Thank you, so much. I am so blessed.

  8. Flowergirl June 29, 2011 at 11:50 am #

    Oh hun, don’t know what to say, it’s just not fair. You’ve put the above so eloquently.
    Thinking of you.

  9. Hope June 29, 2011 at 11:51 am #

    I am so sorry you had to go through this again. I wish I could find better words for how much this sucks, how unfair it is. (((Hugs)))

  10. slcurwin June 29, 2011 at 11:55 am #

    I’m so sorry sweetheart.

  11. bodegabliss June 29, 2011 at 1:05 pm #

    Thank you so much, everyone. Thank you. You have no idea what all of your words mean to me.

  12. Port of Indecision June 29, 2011 at 1:30 pm #

    I am so, so sorry. I was wondering why you’d gone radio silent.

    #4 was a turning point for me too. It was also the point at which I realized that it doesn’t matter one iota of a fuck what I do. I can’t control this. At all. And that’s a big, bitter pill to swallow. That was also the point where the anger started out-shadowing the sadness. I’m so sorry. And that’s just kind of all there is to say.

    • bodegabliss June 29, 2011 at 1:36 pm #

      And that’s exactly what it is for me, completely. I know I have some deep sadness over my loss, and there are times I can’t stop crying….but I can say it’s definitely being overshadowed by the anger. Interesting that’s when it happened for you, too.

      Thanks for your comment…I’m sorry I left you hanging like that. I guess I felt the need to check-in with myself longer than I have in the past. But I think I should have done it sooner…all of these comments are giving so much to me.

  13. missohkay June 29, 2011 at 1:34 pm #

    I’m so sorry. The lack of control is such a hard part of this. It all sucks. I wish it had been different for you this time.

  14. Jean June 29, 2011 at 3:16 pm #

    I’m so sorry to read that you’re going through this. I don’t really know what else to say.

  15. Christina June 29, 2011 at 4:14 pm #

    I’m so very sorry for your loss. Four is four too many. I had wondered what was going on in your life as it had been a while since you posted, but then thought maybe it was an extended absence as you were “living in the now” and such post Brazil. I couldn’t find your email address on here to drop you a line either.

    I’m glad you realize the extreme amount of support and understanding you have in this community. I definitely think the anger is better than feeling numb. Take care of yourself, your hubby, and treat yourselves with kindness in this very trying and troubling time.

  16. starfishkittydreams June 29, 2011 at 5:42 pm #

    I was completely devastated to hear your news. Since we met I’ve been hoping the next one was going to be the ONE! The pain and the anger you are describing are all completely understandable and feelings I’ve had (and still have). There is nothing normal about losing 4 in a row! Like you I had such hope that even though I had three that the 4th one would be ok. Afterall, that seminar at Stanford, said we had a 70% chance, remember? After 4 losses I still have a hard time imagining anything but loss when I get pregnant. I think those statistics don’t apply anymore.

    In the meantime do take care and be kind to yourself. At times like this when there is so much to be angry about, distraction can sometimes be the best medicine. When you do feel like talking, know that I will be here for you.

  17. jjiraffe June 29, 2011 at 6:17 pm #

    This made me cry. I am so, so sorry about everything you have been through. Christina put it best: “Four is four too many.”

    I’m glad to see that you are writing again. You are such a wonderful, eloquent, thoughtful writer. Your words have moved so many people, and they gathered us all to you. I do think that writing about how you’re feeling draws a little bit of poison from the wound, so to speak.

    Many, many hugs.

    • bodegabliss July 4, 2011 at 8:36 am #

      Well that was just the nicest to say! Especially coming from you…that means a lot. 🙂

      And I feel the need tio repeat myself and say again just how happy i am to have met you and to have you in my life! Xoxo

  18. Elphaba July 1, 2011 at 5:51 am #

    Sending you so much love and so many hugs. I still wish there was more we could do. Why can’t we make it go away??

    • bodegabliss July 4, 2011 at 8:32 am #

      Thank you, lady. You just have to give that little one some extra love for his/her auntie courtney, okay? You have already done so much, I will never be able to thank you enough.

  19. zygotta July 3, 2011 at 5:59 pm #

    oh my, I am so sorry 😦
    can I hug you and secretly admire your faith that you will have your baby, despite some stats?

  20. Suzy July 3, 2011 at 6:41 pm #

    I really wish there was a way we could prevent the same thing happening over and over. I go through the whole OCD process with every pregnancy as well. I am so sorry for the loss of your little number four. Let yourself feel the anger as deeply as you need to – it’s the only way to push past it.

    xxxx

  21. Divine Miss S July 3, 2011 at 9:12 pm #

    Hello – here from LFCA. I’m very sorry to read this. One person’s IF is not another person’s IF – no matter how similar the story lines may seem at times – but I had 4 miscarriages as well before my first successful pregnancy. May this stranger hold up hope for you in these angry moments when you are feeling less than able to do so?

  22. eep6 July 4, 2011 at 4:41 am #

    I am so sorry for your devastating loss. (here via lfca)

  23. bodegabliss July 4, 2011 at 8:37 am #

    Again, thank you everyone. I can’t tell you how much your words mean to me. I wish I could take all your losses and struggles away so you wouldn’t know this pain, too.

  24. Justine July 5, 2011 at 6:35 am #

    Here from LFCA. I am so, so sorry … this is awful. Any loss is too many losses … I wish you weren’t in this dark place. *hugs* to you … I wish I could offer you something more.

  25. Tracy July 5, 2011 at 8:11 pm #

    Four is the worst number I know. Four put me into that category of women that I only read about. Four unfortunately put me over the edge.

    I can not tell you though how happy I am to hear that you are not letting four get you down. I love the fight in your voice in your last paragraph. Four won’t be your last number.

    I could not for the life of me figure out how to follow your blog before and am having a duh moment now as I just found the subscribe button that is so obviously on your right side of the page. I need glasses sometimes 😉

    • bodegabliss July 11, 2011 at 1:35 pm #

      Thanks for subscribing, Tracy! I’m sorry you know four as well and you’re a part of this awful club.

  26. Kristen July 10, 2011 at 5:59 pm #

    I’m so very sorry for your loss. Hugs to you…

  27. tearsandtantrums July 13, 2011 at 6:25 am #

    Here from LFCA. I’m so sorry to read this news but can totally empathize with sadness, anger and all of it. Be gentle and take care of yourself.

  28. Kelly July 13, 2011 at 7:00 am #

    Stopping by from LFCA.

    I’m so sorry for your losses and for this loss. I also had four miscarriages and, you’re right, something definitely changed in me from three to four that I couldn’t quite articulate the way you have. I admire the fight you have left in you.

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