Ready for a change.

30 May

In case you haven’t noticed, I’m having a hard time getting back into blogging.  After I was forced away due to lack of internet in Brazil, I just can’t seem to get back into the swing of things.  The sad part is, I haven’t even really missed it.  I think I just got to a point where I was overwhelmed by it and by what this blog turned into for me.  It was never meant to be a miscarriage blog.  It started as a way to connect my family back home to my pregnancy, so they could be a part of the changes in my body and the growth of their grandchild from afar…but then it got forced into the exact opposite.  Which, I don’t mean to sound ungrateful, I could never fully express how thankful I am for this community that I’ve discovered and the people I’ve met through it.  I would never give that back.  I shutter to think where I’d be without you all.

It’s just…when I come to this space now, I just feel kind of blah.  Although, if I’m being honest, I think I’m feeling that way in many areas of my life outside of my blog, too.  I was telling Tim last night that I can’t remember the last time I was truly happy.  I mean, I’ve found happiness here and there, but I can’t remember the last time I was literally beaming from joy or bursting at the seems with excitement.  This past year and half has beaten the crap out of me and has left me wondering who the hell this new Courtney is and what it is that gives her happiness now.  I don’t do anything for myself for purely the joy of it, I don’t even know what that would be at this point.  I think part of my separation from my blog has been to re-access my life.  I’ve spent a lot of time coming here to vent my sadness, but then I get sucked into it and have a hard time separating this life from my real life.  I need to get better at that.  I want to come here and talk about joyful things, things that make me happy and make my life worth living.  I want this space to be positive again.  Maybe, just maybe, I’m tired of hearing myself whine and I’m just ready to be happy again.

Brazil forced me out of my wallowing every day life and into a life of the unknown.  A life where the sun was warm on my skin and the water that surrounded me gave me an energy I didn’t realize I needed.  For a couple of weeks after I returned, every time my acupuncturist saw me he said Brazil was still surrounding me, the effects of it palpable.  But now I think that’s gone and I’m craving a way to find it here, in the life I have to live every day.  I guess this connects to my last post, in that I think I can achieve this with practicing living in the now.  I know it’s possible, it’s just going to take some work.

It’s funny, I think once I started getting readers, it stopped being solely about me here.  That’s not to say every post I have written hasn’t been from a genuine place or written with complete and utter honesty and I have never altered my thoughts or feelings to cater to an audience.  But it made it easier to focus on the reason they found me to begin with.  It made me obsessed with how many hits I got in a day and how many subscribers I had.  As awesome as it felt (and still feels) to know people want to read my words, it’s not why I should blog.  It’s not why anyone should blog.  (Although, anyone who spent junior high and high school feeling constantly picked on and left out would be lying if she said it didn’t feel good to be liked.  It certainly does!)  And as a result of stepping back and forcing myself to stop obsessing about my hits, it has made me re-evaluate why I’m here.  I want to readjust my focus.  It doesn’t mean I won’t still talk about my struggles with my losses, they’re a part of me now.  I just need to make a conscious effort to focus on the things in my life I am thankful for.  I am blessed with so much in this life of mine, and I need to stop ignoring those things and surround myself in them instead.

I hope by saying all of this, I don’t offend any of you still reading.  You still mean the world to me and I hope you don’t go away.  Maybe you already have, and I promise I don’t blame you.  And if I am able to shift my focus and concentrate on happier things, it doesn’t mean I won’t be here to give you the support you may need.  I can’t erase what I’ve gone through, and in a way, I wouldn’t want to (although, I guess I would trade my year of hell if it meant I’d have my babies here, but you know what I mean).  This community has given me the strength to get where I am now.  Without you, I wouldn’t be able to recognize the bubble I’ve been in and how desperately I’m ready to get out.

When I finally get to be a mother, I want to be able to show my child joy and happiness in our every day life.  I would hate for he or she to have a mother that just lives day to day without a smile on her face.  I have faith I can find it.  And in the meantime, I’m still here for every one of you that need me.  And I thank you with my whole heart for being here for me.  I wouldn’t be here without you.

I hope just maybe you’ll still stick with me through this all.  I know I have so much more to give…not just to Tim and the people around me, but to myself.  I deserve better than this.  I deserve to beam with joy and burst with excitement.  And I know it’s possible.


14 Responses to “Ready for a change.”

  1. Marie May 30, 2011 at 1:38 pm #

    I’m excited for the new spin, just like you were excited when I shifted gears.

    We’re doing the best thing we can for ourselves – and it certainly will be nice to be able to read something not ALI-related.

    All systems go 🙂

  2. Mo May 30, 2011 at 2:13 pm #

    1) Hi!
    2) You have forgotten the rules. STOP APOLOGIZING!
    3) I think this is a wonderful, healthy decision for where you are right now. Go with it.
    4) I’ve stopped feeling “obligated” to blog. It’s very freeing. I just blog when I have something to say. You should do the same. TTC related or not.
    5) Love you!
    6) just thought this list needed a number six. you know how much I love lists.

    • Marie May 31, 2011 at 7:26 am #

      Shit, Court, she’s making you stop apologizing too?

      • bodegabliss May 31, 2011 at 8:39 am #

        She’s a tough one, that Mo. 😉

  3. Esperanza May 30, 2011 at 3:27 pm #

    I like that Mo told you to stop apologizing. I think when we apologize on our blogs we’re really apologizing to ourselves. It’s like this new part of you that is craving happiness and joy and wants to find it is apologizing to the part of you it feels like it might be leaving behind – the part of you that needed to spend time healing. Now that healing part of you needs less time and energy and other parts of you are emerging, but you still feel beholden to that other part of you. Obviously those of us who read you (and love you) want what is best for you, and that is for you to find happiness. I hope you can do that (and I will take notes because I need some reminders on this one).

    • bodegabliss May 31, 2011 at 8:45 am #

      How did you get so wise? You are completely, 100% right. I huge part of why it took me so long to grieve (and I still am in many ways) is because I felt like if I moved on, then it wasn’t honoring what I lost. But I can still honor it in my joy!

  4. jjiraffe May 30, 2011 at 10:51 pm #

    This post made me smile, a lot. Mo is absolutely right: you have no need to apologize. I’m thrilled that you are going to seek happiness and joy. I will look to you for inspiration. I can’t wait to follow your journey 🙂

    • bodegabliss May 31, 2011 at 8:45 am #

      Well, you’re the original seeker of joy! I’m just following your lead and maybe we can learn from one another on this journey.

  5. Hope May 31, 2011 at 9:59 am #

    I’m feeling a lot the same. I just had a (shorter) break from blogging, and I was amazed at how little I missed it. I’m also really excited to see the new direction your blog takes! Good luck in finding ways to re-claim your life and seek/find joy. 🙂

  6. starfishkittydreams May 31, 2011 at 2:26 pm #

    One of the beauties of blogging is that you have complete control. It’s there when you want the support and conversation, but there are no obligations. I completely understand the joys of NOT thinking about this stuff and take lots of breaks.

  7. zygotta May 31, 2011 at 2:35 pm #

    I think this is great!
    I have another blog that I’ve been writing for a few years now, and it always changes with me.

    I started this one because I really needed an outlet for these fairly private worries and struggles.

    I guess what I am trying to say is that you already are a part of this community, and everyone would be only excited to get to know you better. Who you are, other than a woman trying to have a baby? You know, this’ll actually differentiate you and, potentially, bring you even more hits 🙂

    Good luck – and looking forward for your “rebranding”

  8. marriage20 May 31, 2011 at 6:15 pm #

    I think it’s so important to find joy. Loss is hard, grieving is hard (and necessary), and we can’t get stuck. We all just have to keep moving. I will definitely keep reading as you branch out into new topics.

  9. C May 31, 2011 at 6:28 pm #

    You know, I think this is part of the evolutionary ebb and flow that blogging takes. Like me, right now, I’m either rarin’ or sleepin’. I’ve got tons of partially-written posts waiting to be finished, but some days it’s just to blaaaah to actually see them through. And then half the time I lose interest before I get around to it. (In other words, yes, there’s tons of other stupid shit flapping around in my brain from which you’ve all been saved.) And so if this is a big swing o the pendulum and it’s time to move on, then it’s time to move on. And there’s nothing wrong with that. I get what you mean about starting to see your blog in a different light once you realize you actually have readers, and an audience. I felt the same way, and I think it actually helped me find my groove posting (gawd, my early shit is embarrassing) But at the end of the day, the blog still needs to be serving the purpose that *you* need it to serve.

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