Changing my dreams.

20 Apr

Growing up, I always figured I would get married and have two kids. I have just one sister so it was natural to want a family exactly like ours. That dream changed quickly when I met Tim.  Early on when we approached the subject of having children, he admitted to me that he didn’t want to have another.  As much as I loved him, I called it quits. Having a family was too important to me to continue on in the relationship if that wasn’t in his plans. The “break-up” didn’t last long because he said he would be willing to discuss it, and that we did. I loved him too much to just give up. Besides, he was an amazing father to K, and it was his fault in the first place that I wanted children. In fact, up until I met him I wasn’t even sure I wanted them. But as soon as I saw him with his daughter, it was over. I had finally met the man I was going to have a family with, and I wouldn’t be okay with that not happening.

Fast forward two years and Tim wanted a child with me as much as I did (sometimes I think even more). At that point, I’d come to realize I would be fortunate enough to have just one with him, so I started trying to switch things in my mind a bit and became okay with a smaller family. After all, our son or daughter would already have a sibling.  In essence, I’d have my family just as I had pictured it…only slightly different what with the whole other woman’s child thing.  (Minor detail.)

Except, I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that in my heart, I have never been able to let go of the thought of having two natural children of my own. As much as I’ve been trying to fool myself into thinking I was okay with just one, I’ve been planning ways to convince Tim to have another all along, and we hadn’t even started trying for our first.

We married and only waited a year before I got pregnant the first time around.

These miscarriages? They weren’t in the plan.  They’ve changed everything.

Up until a few weeks ago, I was still convinced we’d be having two.  But things have started to change dramatically for me.  The longer this takes, and the fact I will have a higher chance of miscarrying again in the future because of my history, I’m just not sure I can go through this all over again.  I have started to only desire one child and feel overwhelmed at the thought of trying for more.  I know that could change the second I hold my baby in my arms, I’m aware of that. I just feel like if I succeed at this, I will be extremely grateful for just the chance to have had one, I’m not sure I’ll want to press my luck for another.  If I can avoid this pain again, I will do everything possible to do so.  Besides, I just don’t know if I have the strength for this battle all over again.

I’m hoping my maternal desire will be fulfilled with one.  If it’s not, I have these pages to remind me of what I went through to get there.  And if I still choose another child over the risk of having to go through this again, I just pray I have the strength to make it through to the other-side.

Have you had to change the way you always envisioned your family because of your struggle with infertility or loss?  If you’ve experienced pregnancy loss, do you think you could do it all over again after a successful pregnancy?  

* Tim’s desire to only have one child is purely monetary.  If we were wealthier and could provide a comfortable lifestyle for more then one child, it would be a no-brainer because we’re going to make really cute babies.  


9 Responses to “Changing my dreams.”

  1. Hope April 20, 2011 at 8:27 am #

    I’m sorry that things are so rough for you right now, and that you’re finding yourself re-evaluating your family plans on such a deep level. It can be gut-wrenching to discover that you no longer want a cherished dream.

    My dreams have changed a lot because of my miscarriages. Not so much the number of children, but how they come to us. I still really want three, but I know that some of them might be adopted, if the pregnancy thing turns out to be too difficult. I’d really like to be pregnant and give birth at least once, but then, depending on how it goes, I might not want to do it more than once. But having more than one child is important enough to me (having been an only child) that I would consider adoption before living as a single-child family.

    I’ve also had to adjust my dreams about what my prenatal care and birth would look like. I’ve changed my focus from the beautiful, midwifery-model “experience” I used to want, to a simple hope for a healthy, full term baby. (This is probably my biggest-deal change. the hardest one for me to accept. It’s hard not to feel like I’m “selling out” because I don’t want a home birth anymore.)

    So, yeah, RPL has changed my vision of my future family.

  2. Wannabemom April 20, 2011 at 4:55 pm #

    I used to want two kids. But the more time we spend in this struggle, the more kids I want! Seems rational, doesn’t it? “Well maybe I’ll have three… and if I’m going to have 3, I might as well have 4!”

    Totally rational.

  3. elaine April 21, 2011 at 4:16 am #

    I always wanted three. Now, I will settle for one. I am even starting to consider adoption. I have a hard time looking at children and babies without thinking of the insanely complex things that happened to bring them to live. I think about it with animals and bugs. I can’t even squish bugs anymore!

    Wishing you a successful future and a wonderful ICLW week!


  4. Poor Lucky Me April 21, 2011 at 1:55 pm #

    I never wanted children until I met Tom Sr…then I couldn’t wait to have his baby! When our son died last May, I vacillated between thinking I could never have my heart broken again and desperately wanting a child in my arms.

    I don’t know what changed, but recently I felt like it was time to try again. I guess part of it was realizing that we survived, and life is beautiful despite the pain, and we’ve got so much love to give. I’m scared, but I know we’ll be ok because we made it through this past year.

    There is something about love that makes you want to spread it infinitely. If we can’t make our own living children, we’ll find a way to give our love to someone else’s. But for the time being, we’ll just have to hope, and lean on the wonderful women we know through our struggles.


  5. On Standby April 21, 2011 at 8:00 pm #

    Hello from ICLW (#111)! I’ve definitely re-evaluated my family vision because of RPL and my vision constantly changes. I planned to have two kids who ideally would be 2-3 years apart in age. With my 37th birthday fast approaching, I am hoping for one biological child. But if we succeed in bringing home a live baby, I also find myself occasionally thinking that I would start trying again right away and hope for Irish twins (ha-as if it wouldn’t take me another 3+ years to get and stay pregnant). After our third and recent loss, my husband wanted to call it quits because he doesn’t want me to risk my health (each miscarriage has been worse than the one before both physically and emotionally). I go back and forth on the idea of adoption. RPL certainly has played mind games with me and I don’t see a light at the end of the tunnel yet.

  6. ifserenitynow April 22, 2011 at 9:27 am #

    Stopping by from ICLW. Although our journey has been tough to say the least, I still plan on having 3 children. I may have to re-evaluate how we get to 3 children but someway or another, it will happen. The one thing I have learned with IF, is to not let it win. If it wins, I will have failed and that word is not in my vocabulary. You have come this far, so I’m sure you are a fighter as well. It’s a scary journey to suffer a loss and makes for a scary future pregnancy but just think how wonderful of a mom you will be when that times comes. Good luck to you.

  7. Kelly April 22, 2011 at 4:24 pm #

    Stopping by from ICLW…

    I hate what RPL does to hopes and dreams and living our daily lives. Trying to reshape your thinking really takes a toll (in addition to coping with all of the loss).

    Kids weren’t something that I thought about until I met my husband. Although I wasn’t foolish going in and knew it could take some time, RPL was never anything I anticipated. Now that I’m pregnant and nearly into the 3rd tri, if this little girl makes it, that’s it. We aren’t trying for any more.

  8. jjiraffe April 24, 2011 at 11:01 pm #

    You and Tim are going to make the cutest babies ever. I can’t even imagine how cool they’ll be. Aside: We were in Laguna Beach this weekend, and I was thinking you would love it because it’s both romantic pirate chic, but also surfer heaven.

    I really hope that you are able to have as many children as you want, but I understand that you wouldn’t want to subject yourself to the pain over and over. My plan for our third pretty much stalled out for that reason.

  9. Liz April 27, 2011 at 3:26 pm #

    I’ve always wanted kids and even work with them. I thought I wanted three and really disliked any only-child I ever met. Now I just wish for one (at least now). I had a miscarriage in Feb and do agree that these types of things change your opinion on the matter and how you feel about things. I would feel so blessed to have a full-term healthy pregnancy at this point. Although twins wouldn’t be bad because it would take the pressure of the second kids off immediately. We can all dream, right?

    Visiting from ICLW.

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