Growing up, I always figured I would get married and have two kids. I have just one sister so it was natural to want a family exactly like ours. That dream changed quickly when I met Tim. Early on when we approached the subject of having children, he admitted to me that he didn’t want to have another. As much as I loved him, I called it quits. Having a family was too important to me to continue on in the relationship if that wasn’t in his plans. The “break-up” didn’t last long because he said he would be willing to discuss it, and that we did. I loved him too much to just give up. Besides, he was an amazing father to K, and it was his fault in the first place that I wanted children. In fact, up until I met him I wasn’t even sure I wanted them. But as soon as I saw him with his daughter, it was over. I had finally met the man I was going to have a family with, and I wouldn’t be okay with that not happening.
Fast forward two years and Tim wanted a child with me as much as I did (sometimes I think even more). At that point, I’d come to realize I would be fortunate enough to have just one with him, so I started trying to switch things in my mind a bit and became okay with a smaller family. After all, our son or daughter would already have a sibling. In essence, I’d have my family just as I had pictured it…only slightly different what with the whole other woman’s child thing. (Minor detail.)
Except, I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that in my heart, I have never been able to let go of the thought of having two natural children of my own. As much as I’ve been trying to fool myself into thinking I was okay with just one, I’ve been planning ways to convince Tim to have another all along, and we hadn’t even started trying for our first.
We married and only waited a year before I got pregnant the first time around.
These miscarriages? They weren’t in the plan. They’ve changed everything.
Up until a few weeks ago, I was still convinced we’d be having two. But things have started to change dramatically for me. The longer this takes, and the fact I will have a higher chance of miscarrying again in the future because of my history, I’m just not sure I can go through this all over again. I have started to only desire one child and feel overwhelmed at the thought of trying for more. I know that could change the second I hold my baby in my arms, I’m aware of that. I just feel like if I succeed at this, I will be extremely grateful for just the chance to have had one, I’m not sure I’ll want to press my luck for another. If I can avoid this pain again, I will do everything possible to do so. Besides, I just don’t know if I have the strength for this battle all over again.
I’m hoping my maternal desire will be fulfilled with one. If it’s not, I have these pages to remind me of what I went through to get there. And if I still choose another child over the risk of having to go through this again, I just pray I have the strength to make it through to the other-side.
Have you had to change the way you always envisioned your family because of your struggle with infertility or loss? If you’ve experienced pregnancy loss, do you think you could do it all over again after a successful pregnancy?
* Tim’s desire to only have one child is purely monetary. If we were wealthier and could provide a comfortable lifestyle for more then one child, it would be a no-brainer because we’re going to make really cute babies.