I’ve started to understand something in keeping this blog that I want to mention.
Those that aren’t here, that don’t see me on a regular basis, they don’t understand what I’m actually like in my day to day life. This blog, this space of mine dedicated to my inner thoughts and purging of emotions, is just that. It’s a mirror of what is in my head at that particular time that I choose to write. It’s a glimpse into the workings of a mind that has suffered a tragedy such as this…it’s not the entire photograph of my thoughts. It’s a peak out a window in a speeding train, only to head back into a tunnel left wondering what the entire landscape must be like.
It’s easy to believe that I am always sad, or frustrated, or angry. I often am for hours – days – at a time. But most of the time, like the days that just passed, I’m filled with a hope that hasn’t always been there throughout this past year.
I believe my fate is laid out before me, in quickly drying cement. Sure I can carve my thoughts into it in the knick of time, but it’s still going to be what it was meant to be, no matter how quickly I try to leave my mark before it hardens.
Part of why I keep this blog is to help me process the times that I don’t feel so certain, times where I’m having a harder time seeing that faith that I try so hard to hold onto. I need to get it out of my head and through my fingertips into typed words on a screen so I can stop thinking about it. Once it’s out there, even if no one reads it, I can move on from it so much easier than if I had kept it in.
It’s my therapy, my only outlet where I’m not judged openly.
The downside to that is that those that do read it, those that only have this as a window into my life, believe that it’s how I am every hour on end.
The truth is, there are days where I am there and can’t get out. But the days that I’m not, the days where I’m filled with hope and find myself smiling more than crying, they’re much more frequent then the days that I have a hard time breathing.
I would never give up this space and the people that I’ve met through it. I wouldn’t be where I am now – able to face the day with actual hope – without it. It was never meant to be a miscarriage blog, and I certainly don’t plan on it staying that way, either. I’m doing everything I can to get it back to how it started.
And with every piece of my being, I believe it will.