Today was awful.
I knew it was going to be difficult and at times uncomfortable, but I had no idea it was going to be that hard. I even went into it okay. I was willing to put on a good face and try. I made a kick ass dessert for the party and put candles in two of them for the birthday girls (one of them being the girl that was two weeks behind me). I tried. I really did.
But at one point fairly early on, there were 5 pregnant women and 8 babies there, all of them under the age of 1. All in a group. I stood on the side, with Tim and his ex/my step-daughter’s mom, N (we’re really close, as odd as that sounds). I just couldn’t bring myself to go over to them and be a part of that. Tim and N couldn’t help but comment that this was my hell. That it was almost ridiculous how, well, ridiculous it was.
I mean, really?!
After I said my hellos to my friends that I hadn’t seen in a while, my hands started shaking and the tears started falling. And I was pissed. That wasn’t in my plan. I was going to be okay. I had planned on being okay. N took me for a walk to catch my bearings. On the walk we ran into a woman my age that lives in my town and oh! look! she’s pregnant! I didn’t know she was pregnant. (There’s #6) N and I walked until I gathered myself enough to go back. I continued to make small talk and fight back the tears.
I haven’t felt like that much of an outsider since high school. I was on the perimeter looking in at a life I almost had. They were the cool kids that had everything, and I was the barren loser.
I didn’t want it to feel like that. I wanted to be okay, I wanted to feel like people were happy I was there and understood it must have been hard for me. I did get that recognition from a few women, and that meant the world. But there was one that didn’t even give me an inch. Didn’t even fake it. And that hurt the most.
When Tim and I left the tears could finally fall and they didn’t stop for hours. My eyes are still burning as I’m trying to type this.
I’ll be okay. Even tomorrow, I’ll be better. But right now, I don’t want to be.
As awful as it was, do you know what got me through it? You guys. Your hands were on my back. You held me up. I could feel all of you and I can’t thank you enough for your support. I’m so thankful to have this space. As alone as I felt there, I feel the exact opposite here.
You have my back. You don’t let me stand on the sidelines looking in.
I can’t tell you how much you all mean to me. For the comments you left on my last post and the emails in my inbox checking in on me.
We’re going to get through this together. I’ve got your back if you’ve got mine.
Oh, by the way, I ended up getting my period later on in the day yesterday. And the PMS on crack turned into the cramps on crack and I felt like I wanted to die. The pain has continued on into today and I’m sure that had a lot to do with my emotions being heightened. It’s been too much of a reminder of the pain that took it all away.