Hell.

2 Apr

Today was awful.

I knew it was going to be difficult and at times uncomfortable, but I had no idea it was going to be that hard. I even went into it okay. I was willing to put on a good face and try. I made a kick ass dessert for the party and put candles in two of them for the birthday girls (one of them being the girl that was two weeks behind me). I tried.  I really did.

But at one point fairly early on, there were 5 pregnant women and 8 babies there, all of them under the age of 1. All in a group. I stood on the side, with Tim and his ex/my step-daughter’s mom, N (we’re really close, as odd as that sounds). I just couldn’t bring myself to go over to them and be a part of that. Tim and N couldn’t help but comment that this was my hell. That it was almost ridiculous how, well, ridiculous it was.

I mean, really?!

REALLY?!

After I said my hellos to my friends that I hadn’t seen in a while, my hands started shaking and the tears started falling.  And I was pissed.  That wasn’t in my plan.  I was going to be okay.  I had planned on being okay.  N took me for a walk to catch my bearings.  On the walk we ran into a woman my age that lives in my town and oh!  look!  she’s pregnant!  I didn’t know she was pregnant.  (There’s #6)  N and I walked until I gathered myself enough to go back.  I continued to make small talk and fight back the tears.

I haven’t felt like that much of an outsider since high school.  I was on the perimeter looking in at a life I almost had.  They were the cool kids that had everything, and I was the barren loser.

I didn’t want it to feel like that.  I wanted to be okay, I wanted to feel like people were happy I was there and understood it must have been hard for me.  I did get that recognition from a few women, and that meant the world.  But there was one that didn’t even give me an inch.  Didn’t even fake it.  And that hurt the most.

When Tim and I left the tears could finally fall and they didn’t stop for hours.  My eyes are still burning as I’m trying to type this.

I’ll be okay.  Even tomorrow, I’ll be better.  But right now, I don’t want to be.

As awful as it was, do you know what got me through it?  You guys.  Your hands were on my back.  You held me up.  I could feel all of you and I can’t thank you enough for your support.  I’m so thankful to have this space.  As alone as I felt there, I feel the exact opposite here.

You have my back.  You don’t let me stand on the sidelines looking in.

I can’t tell you how much you all mean to me.  For the comments you left on my last post and the emails in my inbox checking in on me.

We’re going to get through this together.  I’ve got your back if you’ve got mine.

Oh, by the way, I ended up getting my period later on in the day yesterday.  And the PMS on crack turned into the cramps on crack and I felt like I wanted to die.  The pain has continued on into today and I’m sure that had a lot to do with my emotions being heightened.  It’s been too much of a reminder of the pain that took it all away.

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10 Responses to “Hell.”

  1. Marie April 2, 2011 at 8:14 pm #

    Oh no!

    I feel like I’ve been in situations like this one, though I’m not coming up with anything at the moment. But I know how much it sucks, and I probably would have run out of the room in tears, too. We can’t MAKE UP scenes that ridiculous. It’s just life, being totally, horribly absurd.

    You are so strong, and thoughtful, and just downright incredible for going to that party in the first place. No one can ever take that away from you. Hats off to you, lady, and to the women who recognized the magnitude of what you sacrificed for your friends today.

    On a side note, I really think it’s time you brought your step-daughter to Disneyland 😉

    • bodegabliss April 3, 2011 at 10:44 am #

      Thank you so much, Marie. I can’t tell you how hearing this makes me feel.

      And I agree! Tim’s mom actually lives 20 minutes from Disneyland and we go to visit her every summer. I’ll make sure to tell you when we’re going this year!

  2. Esperanza April 2, 2011 at 8:36 pm #

    Oh B, I was at a birthday party today and I suddenly remembered where you were and I wanted to send a text or something to show my support but I didn’t have my phone on me. That whole things sounds SO AWEFUL. I’m so sorry. I don’t know what else to day. I don’t know how you did it. I hope you take tomorrow to do whatever you want. Watch movies or eat ice cream or do both. Spend the day like you are sick and have no obligations and can just take the time to mend yourself even the littlest bit. I know no day can actually mend you, but you deserve to have a day just for you after that horrible affair.

    My god, it was way worse than you described. It was like your own personal Armageddon. Jesus. What a disaster.

    You poor thing. I’m so sorry. I wish I had more to say, or my words could actually be of any help.

    Please know you are in my thoughts and in my heart.

    • bodegabliss April 3, 2011 at 10:45 am #

      Thank you, E. I didn’t have my phone on me, either…but just the thought means a lot.

  3. Hope April 2, 2011 at 8:41 pm #

    That really is hell. I’m so sorry you had to go through all of that. And what you said about not wanting to feel better right now–I think that’s normal.

    I’ve certainly got your back. 🙂

    (((Hugs)))

    And it really sucks that you had to deal with the pain of AF right while you were there. What a brutal reminder of everything you don’t have . . .

  4. Jjiraffe April 2, 2011 at 11:36 pm #

    I am tearful as I read this. It just sounds so incredibly f***** awful, like, the ninth level of hell. I am so, so, sorry. I’m glad we all helped you in spirit. I’m really looking forward to tomorrow. let’s eat lots of chocolate.

  5. Elphaba April 3, 2011 at 5:44 am #

    Oh I just want to come there and give you a hug. Just reading about that made me cringe. You ARE incredibly strong to have even gone in the first place. I’m glad to hear someone of the women were sympathetic. I hope they appreciated what you did for all of them.

  6. bodegabliss April 3, 2011 at 11:09 am #

    Thank you everyone. I can’t tell you what it means to have all of you standing behind me.

    Thank you.

  7. Jean April 3, 2011 at 3:46 pm #

    I’m new here, but I just wanted to chime in on how incredibly strong you were just to go to that party. I don’t even go to my nieces’ and nephews’ birthday parties anymore because I just can’t handle being around all those babies, so I completely understand the hell it must have been for you. But you had an idea that it would be, and you went anyway, which is very brave. Bravo.

  8. starfishkittydreams April 5, 2011 at 12:07 am #

    Your reaction is completely understandable. I am SO sorry you had such a hellish experience! When I read that you were going I thought you were so incredibly brave as I would have been too afraid to even go. There’s nothing like having all the friends and babies and pregnant bellies in person like that, and all at the same time. That sounds REALLY intense. I don’t think there is anyway to prepare for that.

    It seems SO unfair that not only is it hard to be in those situations, but the other folks have no idea how hard it is. It sounds like one guest in particular was completely clueless and insensitive. Forget her!

    I’ve been in somewhat similar circumstances myself and felt totally ambushed and overwhelmed with grief. Last year I invited friends over for a sort of reunion. I thought I was ready and ok for them to bring their babies too. It turned out that I couldn’t handle it. As they all chatted excitedly about being new parents I felt like my worse nightmare had suddenly come true. They all moved on without us and we were left behind and now left on the sidelines. I felt myself at the point of tears until they left. It just killed me and I’ve been afraid of going anywhere near gatherings like that since.

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