Mentally, I’ve been doing pretty good for a while now. But there are still times where thoughts creep in and I have a solo pity party in my head.
My inner monologue goes something like this: “Everyone around you is having babies. You will never be one of them. You were there 3 times now, you had it, and still no baby. You were one of the first pregnant, and now you’ll be the last. At this point, you probably won’t even be able to get pregnant again. How are you ever going to find complete happiness again when you’ll never have a baby? You’re always going to feel just like this. In limbo. Between the then and now. For the rest of your life.”
Cue the violin.
It’s an awesome way to spend an evening, morning, or afternoon for that matter. Especially when there are tears accompanying it. Fortunately, these days I can get out of it pretty quickly. Whereas months before this, it would last weeks, sometimes a whole month like in the beginning.
But I think about how I’ve been this past year – almost every moment of the day consumed with my losses and fear of the future – and it makes me scared for what it will be like if I’m not able to do this thing. I’m sure the all-consuming thoughts and sadness for my losses will lesson over time, but I honestly feel like there will be a void in my life forever if I can’t.
I feel like this period in my life – the time after my first pregnancy until I hopefully have a baby in my arms – will be just that: the period in limbo. Sure, I’ve grown as a woman and have found a strength I didn’t know I had. But come on. For a year and a half now, I’ve been in distress. And there’s a huge part of me that knows that’s not going to go away until I successfully stay pregnant. And that just sucks.
I’d rather have a dance party. At least the music’s better.