Last night I met up with the friend I’ve mentioned briefly here to talk about everything that’s happened over the past year and how we’ve hurt one another during that time. I was nervous heading into the meet-up, but at the same time, determined to look at it with nothing but positivity. Finally, I was going to be able to explain to her what this year has been like. No speculation. And I did just that. And I was genuinely happy to see her. When we were close, before all of this, I enjoyed her company, I really did. But all of this happened and I pulled away from everyone pretty much and things got all mucky. We cried, we laughed, she said things that touched my heart. She even apologized for not being there like I needed her to be. That right there made all the difference in the world. I left feeling so much lighter. This has been weighing on me for a long time. I hate feeling like someone is disappointed in me, even if I feel I haven’t done anything wrong, it still feels heavy and upsetting. And now I feel like we’ve put everything behind us and can move on from here. It’s good.
It has hit me even more now, though, that we need to keep getting our collective voices out there. We need to keep finding ways to reach out to those outside of our (amazing) blog community to let them know what this is like for us. We need them to know how to talk to us and how to help us. I know we spend a lot of time here bitching about how they don’t understand (and we have every right to because if we can’t get it out here, where can we?), but we need to get them to understand, too. We need to get our stories to them so we can start to be understood and maybe, just maybe, we can help the next woman that’s going to go through this and doesn’t know about us yet, to not feel so alone. Talk to your friends and family, tell them what it’s like. Even if it’s the last thing you want to do. All of it is just one big misunderstanding. One big hundred-years-of-silent-suffering misunderstanding. If we weren’t in the midst of this, would we know how to handle it? Would we know what to say to someone that just lost a 3rd pregnancy? We wouldn’t. I love this community and the support we have for one another. But if you’re not already, I feel like we need to start talking to those that don’t have a clue what it’s about. Maybe one by one, we’ll slowly get to the point where women feel the support from the very beginning.
Havaya metakenet, perhaps? I think so. At least a version of it, anyway.
Happy Friday, everyone!
Bodega Bliss 
Hey, I just noticed your new header! It’s awesome! Did you draw that?
I’m SOOOOO glad that you’re friend reacted so well to your talk. That sounds amazing. It makes me wonder if I should try to say something to some of my friends. I feel like I’ve tried so many times and all they hear is that they don’t get it and that they don’t know how to be good friends and that I’m impossible to appease. Maybe I need to figure out how to word it differently so it doesn’t come across that way.
The problem I have is that we are a group of four and I’m kind of the odd one out, in way more ways than just the pregnancy loss and anxiety. WAY MORE. They are all very similar and I’m not. And so whenever something happens that upsets me it’s like, they all think I shouldn’t be upset and I feel like the crazy one. My therapist swears it’s not just me, that they are a unique trio of women, but it’s hard not to think that I’m the nut job of the group. I mean, they always have each other’s back and they always think I’m asking too much or don’t understand why I’m upset in the first place. I don’t even tell them most things anymore because I know they will all collectively file it away under things that make me weirder than they are. And if I’m not going to tell them things, what is the point of even being friends with them? I don’t know.
I can’t wait to talk with you more about this when we meet up in a week. Maybe you can help me figure out what to say to them.
I don’t know, it sounds to me like they’re not very understanding and maybe they’re not worth trying that hard for. Because, really? You shouldn’t be upset? You’re asking too much? Who are these women?! Although, now that I’m saying that, I’m pretty sure that a few women in my life have thought that as well. So yes, we will have LOTS to talk about. I can’t wait!
And thanks for the comment on the header! I did draw it. I’m pretty happy with it, which is hard for me to feel with illustrations sometimes. 🙂
You guys are meeting up?! SO jealous!
Love love love this post. I try in every way to introduce the subject of my infertility when it belongs in a conversation…and not shy away from it. It’s hard and I’m still perfecting a way to do it without making everyone (including me) feel awkward.
Thanks for commenting on my blog. You’re officially added to the google reader!
Hey thanks, Lulu! I don’t shy away from it, either. I’m determined to make it a subject that gets talked about!
I’m so happy for you that things went well.
Ohevet Otach!
(that’s love you in Hebrew)
It’s a great idea. I honestly don’t have a clue how to start. What do you say to your friends?
PS the new header is sweet!
I don’t know. I mean, I know I just did it, but it took a a long time to do it. It only came after a year of misunderstanding and communication. And then I just told her all of the raw, unpleasant emotions behind what this is like to go through. I think the hardest part is getting them to listen. But starting with being more open to talking about it — even to strangers — will get people to feel less uncomfortable about the whole thing. If you have a specific situation that you need advice with, I’m happy to tell you more specifically what I talked to my friend about. Just let me know.
Just saw your reply – thanks.
I guess I’m just afraid that people (specifically friends and family) can never understand. I’m afraid that I’ll just seem like a jerk or like I’m trying to ruin someone’s happiness. I’m afraid I’ll hurt their feelings in the process of trying to explain mine. Wow, I’m a scaredy-cat!
Even before we were trying, I was already sick of people asking when DH and I were going to have kids. My solution was just to talk about that part of our life as little as possible. But there’s a part of me that really likes what you said and really wants to be more open with the people in my life. I just don’t want them asking me ridiculous questions (like if I’m pregnant yet) all the time. Gonna hafta give this some more thought.
I’m with you Courtney, I’ve been blurting it out a lot lately. Boy does it make people uncomfortable, but I’m beyond caring.
That’s exactly where I’m at, lady. Is it bad it sometimes makes me feel good to make them squirm?
I LOVE your new header!! And I LOVE that things are mending themselves out there in Bodega. It makes me so proud that you are speaking up about your loss, your heartache, your awkwardness in leaning on friends who haven’t gone through this. xoxo