I’ll be lighter tomorrow.

16 Mar

I’m sure you probably know by now that I’m sensitive.  You may even have an inkling that I’m more sensitive than most.  I’m even convinced that I feel emotions ten-fold compared to the normal human being.  I used to be embarrassed about it, but now I’m starting to understand it a little more and am okay with it.  I know I can’t watch the news or read certain stories, or even watch certain movies.  If I do, either I crawl into a dark hole and cry myself to sleep, or my anxiety goes through the roof and I think we’re all going to die.  Both are such joys!  But because of this part of me, I haven’t been able to face the news of Japan.  It is all beyond imaginable.  I know if I see the extent of the damage and know the total lives lost, I might just stop breathing.  Thursday night, the night before our trip, Tim and I happened to be up to catch the 11:00 news…which was only a half-hour or so after the earthquake hit Japan, and minutes after the tsunami began it’s destruction.  Fortunately, Tim’s Aunt (who, like his mom, is from Japan) happened to be visiting his mom in L.A., so we knew she was safe.  And we haven’t heard otherwise about the rest of her family, so we’re assuming they’re okay.  But I went to bed that night with a heavy heart for Japan; and once asleep, I dreamt that our house was flooding and Took was lost.  The next day as we headed to the mountains, we found out California had a tsunami warning and people were starting to evacuate south of us and in the most northern parts of the state (we live less than 10 miles from the ocean, but we were not assumed to be at risk).  Every time we flipped to a news station on the radio during our drive, they were talking about Japan and I had to change it.  Later that night, our hotel was only a few feet from a strong river, creating constant white noise of water rushing.  I fell asleep to silent panic attacks of the river rising and consuming us, followed by more nightmares of tsunamis.  (Yes, I am a mess.)  I avoided it the rest of the weekend, and even though Tim didn’t want to, he did it for my sake as well.  I seriously don’t know how he puts up with me.

I realize this makes me sound crazy (or at the very least that I should be considering some serious meds), and there are people out there who would shun me for not keeping up with the current events.  But I’m okay with living in the dark.  The sadness I feel for fellow humans and their losses or deaths, is overwhelming to me.  So avoiding it makes my days livable.  I am up-to-date on the important things, and will always manage to find out what’s happening anyway.  I want to clarify that I’m not pretending it didn’t happen, I’m very aware of what’s happened and the amount of lives lost….I just tend to avoid the media coverage of events for my own sanity.  I don’t think I’ve always been like this…I think it’s just gotten worse this past year after everything I’ve gone through.  There are times where I wonder why the hell I want to try to have a kid so badly just to raise it in this world.  It’s scary as shit out there.

I’m not doing so well at that whole keeping-it-light thing, am I?  I need to work on that.  Next time, I swear.

But for now I’m going to keep Japan in my thoughts and in my version of prayers.  I hope you will, too.

If you’d like to donate to the relief efforts in Japan and the Pacific, please visit this link at the American Red Cross.  For more information on how the Red Cross helps, please click here.

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10 Responses to “I’ll be lighter tomorrow.”

  1. mommyodyssey March 16, 2011 at 3:05 am #

    I know this is going to come as a complete shock to you, but I’m the same way. I don’t think you need to feel bad about it. I know that for myself, if I truly took the weight of the world on my back, I would collapse. I think it’s our motherly instinct.
    I didn’t know Tim had family in Japan. I really hope everyone there is ok.
    And I love your new header. It’s gorgeous.
    *hugs*

    • bodegabliss March 16, 2011 at 8:39 am #

      Thanks, lady! And no, I’m not shocked. 😉

      Tim’s background is pretty interesting. The mom I speak of is technically his step-mom, but she’s raised him since he was three, so it’s the only mom he knows. But his dad is from Singapore (his birth mother is white). So he was raised in a household with a Chinese dad and a Japanese mom. Unfortunately, his dad died a while back so now it’s just his mom and he. So the family in Japan is his family, with the exception of some cousins here in America from his birth mom. We’re pretty sure everyone is okay, or I think we would’ve heard by now. His Aunt was supposed to head back today, but I’m wondering if she’ll even be able to. I can’t imagine how devastated they are.

  2. Elphaba March 16, 2011 at 6:26 am #

    I was looking at photos yesterday of the destruction and sometimes it feels so difficult to comprehend that kind of terror and suffering. While I understand the need to keep a distance, I think it’s important that we don’t do it too much–it’s no different than suffering through anything else (i.e. IF and MC)–it’s worse when people pretend it’s not happening. While we can’t fix everything, I think we need to be able to offer compassion and understanding whenever we can. Does that make sense?

    And I’m loving the new header. That is totally my style. (Wanna do one for me? Haha.)

    • bodegabliss March 16, 2011 at 8:35 am #

      I think you’re completely right. And that’s the thing, I don’t pretend things aren’t happening. Despite my avoidance of the media, I definitely make sure I’m informed and do what I can to help. There is no way to avoid the coverage, as much as one tries. I just can’t sit and watch the scenes over and over again. I can imagine them in my head just as bad, if not worse. It’s almost like I have too much compassion, that it’s difficult to control any other way, you know? I haven’t stopped thinking about it since it happened. Every few hours my heart sinks and I send my love and thoughts to everyone there. It’s just so much.

      And thanks! I’d love to do a header for you!

  3. Hope March 16, 2011 at 11:09 am #

    I put my head in the sand a lot, too. I just don’t see what good it does the people suffering from those tragedies for me to be so upset about it that I become dysfunctional. I know what you mean about getting overwhelmed by media coverage. It’s easy for me to jump to imagining the latest tragedy affecting me or my family, even if it’s totally illogical. So I totally get you’re preference to avoid repetitive media coverage and finding other ways to stay informed.

    (((Hugs)))

  4. Esperanza March 16, 2011 at 11:45 am #

    Oh Bodega. I SOOOOOO feel you on this. I have a so much empathy for others who are suffering. It can be truly crippling. I started studying Buddhism in an attempt to deal with the anxiety and sadness I experience when I contemplate the suffering in the world. It’s truly overwhelming. I would highly recommend the book When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chodron. It was the only thing that brought me any peace after my loss and it continues to bring me peace when I’m feeling overwhelmed by the reality of suffering. Also, Thich Nhat Hahn’s No Death No Fear has been helpful for me.

    I hope you got my email and hope we can get together soon.

    • bodegabliss March 16, 2011 at 12:17 pm #

      Thanks for the recommendations. I did get your email! I’m going to respond to you today. 🙂 I spent too much time last night creating that I lost the time I was going to spend on emailing. So check your email soon!

  5. Sio March 16, 2011 at 5:55 pm #

    Oh Court, I am right there with you. I also have had nightmares and still do about the tsunami in Thailand. My heart breaks for all those that have been affected. I hope Tim’s family is all okay. I am definitely an empath.

  6. starfishkittydreams March 17, 2011 at 12:22 am #

    And I thought it was just me. As someone who is overly sensitive and overly emotional I often feel pretty isolated. I think that may be why some of us are attracted to supporting each other online. The fastest way to bring me to tears is to show me someone (esp. an animal) being harmed or in pain. I am so sorry to see what they are going through right now in Japan. I grieve for their losses too.

  7. Megan March 21, 2011 at 9:19 pm #

    The news. AAAAAH the news. I’m married to a news addict. I’m not saying that the devastation in Japan shouldn’t get coverage, I’m not saying that at all. I’ve watched tons of it because of the husband, but sheesh, why is news never happy? Where are the stories of the reunited families and pets after such a horrible situation? Where are the stories of triumph and hope? I know with Japan it is probably just too early still, but seriously why not show the masses some of the happy things in life from time to time? (I know they do some, we just watched a grandma and grandson get rescued from ruble after 9 days of being trapped) but seriously, I kinda feel like the bad has happened already (and is still)….maybe the news should focus a little more on hope too?

    And for the record I have to turn off the news all the time because I can’t handle what they’re going to say. The other day I had to turn it off because someone was torturing kittens and they were about to go into detail about how the kittens were tortured. I CAN’T HANDLE THAT STUFF!!! Thank goodness I have a quick mute finger. And why would anyone need to hear that stuff? Good grief. News = fear so much of the time.

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