I’m still breathing.

8 Mar

I have 576 blogs in my Google Reader to read.  Five-hundred and seventy-six.  (I think I might crawl back into my blankets for another week.)  And yes, I feel obligated to read all 576 of the entries.  These people – you people – are my friends.  Some don’t even know me and never will, but some of you I feel just as close to as the people I’ve known my whole life.  So it’s time I catch up with what I missed.

I guess I didn’t give too much explanation as to why I needed a break.  I’m still a little weary about coming back, but I have to…it’s been an obvious void in my life for these past 10 days.  Before I decided to step away from my blog and the internet, I had a bit of a mini melt-down.  I was super stressed at work, and that was a big factor.  There just wasn’t time like I was used to to post.  Secondly, the stuff with the girls in my life here was bringing me down.  It was consuming my thoughts and I didn’t feel like it was fair to them to write what was going on here.  One of them had read it at one time, and I just didn’t want her to feel like I was attacking her (and the way I was feeling at the time, I’m afraid it would’ve come out like that).  So I choose not to say anything, and be very cryptic when I mentioned it.  But it felt like crap.  All of it.  These miscarriages and this past year has just been so fucking hard.  I know I’ve said it a bazillion times here (it’s why I blog) and I know you are all shaking your heads in agreement (again)…but gah.  It is.  Every single fucking part of it.  And when is it going to get easier?  The weight of all of it sometimes is getting to be too much.  On top of all of this (and the final straw before I made the decision to back away) was I read a story about a woman’s family and her complete joy in it, and I had an overwhelming feeling that I would never have that.  That that life, was never going to be mine.  I knew that was a sign I needed to step back.  And all this happened in accordance with ICLW.  Not great timing.  So I felt really guilty that I just couldn’t get on to comment.  I love this community and what it has given me.  And you proved it to me when I said I was going to step back and you guys said you’d be here when I got back.

Have I ever told you how much I love you all?  I think so, but it’s worth saying again.

So all this is to say I think I’m back.  I might try to keep it light around here for a little bit, though.  And I’m getting ready to go to Yosemite with my hubby this weekend and I can’t freaking wait.  So you can expect some pictures from that here soon.  I won’t have internet, but I might be able to post some from my phone.  We haven’t had time away together since the last miscarriage 8 months ago (ouch).  Something definitely needed to be done about that.

It feels good to be back.  I missed you guys.


6 Responses to “I’m still breathing.”

  1. mommyodyssey March 8, 2011 at 12:18 pm #

    I missed you too!!!! Yay! 🙂

  2. Elphaba March 8, 2011 at 2:17 pm #

    Welcome back hun. And I totally get why you need to take a step back from all this sometimes.

  3. jjiraffe March 8, 2011 at 9:29 pm #

    Welcome back! I’m sorry to hear about your troubles with your girls. If you ever want to hang out and chat, I could make a quick trip up to see you (I’m in Marin).

    Hope you have a great time in Yosemite!

    • bodegabliss March 10, 2011 at 9:13 am #

      Yes, I would love that! Let’s find a time and do it. Maybe we could even meet half-way!

  4. slcurwin March 9, 2011 at 6:21 pm #

    Ya, it took me this long to get to your post, still going through my giant pile, though not nearly as giant as yours. Yikes!

    I’m glad your back and totally understand the need to go away from bits, especially since I’ve been doing mini versions of the same for a bit now, but obviously for different reasons. Take your time and come and go as you need, but we’re always happy when your here.

  5. Hope March 9, 2011 at 9:51 pm #

    Very glad that you are back, but also very much understand the need to step away.

    I hope you are able to work things out with your girls. It’s so hard when you can’t find the support you need IRL.

    Have a great time in Yosemite!

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