Do you know what I did yesterday that I didn’t realize until I was in therapy last night? I posted yesterday’s letter on completely the wrong date. Instead of posting it the day before my year-anniversary for the miscarriage, I posted it the day before my due date. In my mind, they are apparently one in the same. February 11th (my miscarriage date) marked the start of when I became the woman that I am now, the woman who no longer has the innocence of before. But February 8th marks the due date of my last pregnancy…sort of bringing this year to completion in a sense. So of course my mind confused them, because it’s difficult to separate the losses. It makes sense to me. So anyway, all of that is to say that even though it’s on the wrong date, I think I’m going to keep it. I’m viewing today as a day to try and finally let go of all the grief I’ve been holding for almost a year now. Which brings me to this little guy:
Don’t you just want to hold him in your hand and rub that little head of his? Gah, I just love him. Thanks to Jjiraffe who mentioned Jizos in the comments of this post, I’ve had my heart set on finding one. And luck would have it that they had one in a local store here in Sebastopol (one of the few times I can be thankful I live in a hippy town!). Jizos are statues that the Japanese use as a way of honoring a child that was lost, particularly those from women who have miscarried. It was just what I was looking for and I can’t thank Jjraffe enough for telling me about them. Ever since I picked this guy up, he’s been in my hands or by my side the entire time. This afternoon Took and I are going to walk to the tree that Tim and I buried our baby under a year ago, and place the Jizo in the ground beside his brother or sister. I know that must sound crazy, but since I didn’t have any tangible evidence of my last loss, he’s acting as that for me. It’s even going to be hard to bury his sweet little face in the ground.* But I honestly believe that today is an end and a beginning for me. By burying this little guy, I can bury the grief that has gone along with these losses and replace them with hope. Or at least try. I know I won’t wake up tomorrow and feel 100% healed; I’m very much aware that a part of me will always feel these losses, and I’m okay with that.
But today I’m honoring my due date and the year that is now behind me. I’m going to be doing something very different today than what I had hoped I’d be doing 9 months ago…and today, I’m feeling okay about that. I see tomorrow as the start to a second (or, ahem, 4th) chance at this whole thing. And this little guy is going to help. Even if I might seem crazy.
* The traditional use of a Jizo is as an altar, one where offerings are given and spirits are held, not one that is necessarily buried. But for me, it needs to be something that I bury, for obvious reasons.
P.S. do you guys see the little heart that the sun made on his bib?! I just noticed that. How perfect! Gah. Now he’s even cuter!