Oh February, make up your mind.

2 Feb

During the last few years, February has been a heavy hitter for me.  Let’s review, shall we?

February 8th, 2011: Due Date for last pregnancy

February 10th, 2007: Met love of my life

February 11th, 2010: Miscarriage #2

February 16th, 2011: First date with Tim

February 20-something, 2008: Got engaged

So, as you can see, I’ve had a love/hate relationship with this month for the last 4 years.  Life changing events have all occurred (or were supposed to occur) during this month, and this is the types of thing I’m convinced can’t be a coincidence.  So of course, next week is already shaping up to be a bit intense.  On Monday I have therapy, Tuesday is my due-date for my last pregnancy and also when I should be ovulating (go figure), Wednesday is another doctor’s appointment to discuss my test results (where I am bringing in literature of my own research to discuss this) and Thursday is not only the anniversary of when we met, and Friday is the anniversary of our miscarriage.  In addition to all of this – and as a result of – Wednesday night Tim and I are going out to dinner to honor the week that it is.  The dinner was my idea, but he was into it instantly, despite how he feels about anniversaries.  Tim is okay acknowledging our anniversaries in the same way I am, but with the rest of the stuff, he wishes I wouldn’t focus so much on the dates.  And he’s not alone in this.  I’ve also been told by friends that I should forget the dates as well, and I totally get what they’re saying and even think they’re right…but it’s just not how I’m wired.  Especially with the baby stuff.

My therapist has offered a burial ritual of some kind for my next appointment, one to honor the due date the following day, and also to spiritually bury the last baby.  With the 2nd miscarriage, we were actually able to bury our little one under a tree by where we had our California wedding.  But because I had a D&C with the last pregnancy, there was nothing to bury.  This could be a huge reason why this is taking me longer to grieve as I had no feeling of closure.  So this is where I need your help: I can’t think of anything to bury.  Tim, the botanist that he is, had suggested a fruit of some sort as it’s a ripened ovary and would be a good omen for the future.  I loved this idea, except that it’s in the middle of town and there are critters that would most likely dig it up.  So do you guys have any ideas?  I’m really into the idea of the ritual, but I’m just stuck trying to think of something to bury.

You now might have a clue as to why last week was so hard on me and I just couldn’t handle things I should have been able to handle.  This month was not only approaching, it marked the year point of dealing with all of this (actively, anyway).   I don’t know if I have it in me if there’s another year coming.

7 Responses to “Oh February, make up your mind.”

  1. mommyodyssey February 2, 2011 at 1:36 pm #

    Do you have a piece of clothing that you wore when it happened? That may be appropriate.
    I totally get why this month is hard. I know it’s easier said than done – but try to concentrate on the good things that happened. My second due date is a couple of days before our one year wedding anniversary. I chose to mourn at a different time and take that day only to celebrate. Time will tell if that works or not. Perhaps I can use you as my guinea pig? 🙂
    Ok – that was a totally out of place joke. Either way – here’s a huge virtual hug and some imaginary chocolate to go along with it! *hugs*

    • bodegabliss February 2, 2011 at 6:56 pm #

      You can totally use me as your guinea pig…I’m happy to oblige.

  2. slcurwin February 2, 2011 at 4:51 pm #

    I know some people like to plant a, well, a plant. Something you can grow as a memorial.Of course that’s a little difficult if it’s not at your place. Even anything that reminds you of that time.

    and in reference to our chocolate…When we were talking about it and I went to the freeze to get some and there was none…there was a reason I didn’t recall eating it. I found the entire bar (size of my head mind you here) eaten with the wrapper tucked into the junk at my hubby’s desk. What a RAT! Hubby looked at me with bug doe eyes “sorry”

  3. Hope February 2, 2011 at 6:55 pm #

    I am so sorry that February is such a loaded month for you. My experience has been that even when I don’t remember the exact date, I do remember the general time of year, and the sadness drags through that whole time. So even if you didn’t remember the dates, you would probably still be sad in February.

    My thought of what to bury would be some kind of tiny doll–maybe made of natural things like branches, bar, leaves, etc? Not tasty things, just natural . . . I like the plant idea, too.

    (((Hugs))) Missing your babies with you and hoping this next year brings more joy than pain.

  4. Hope February 2, 2011 at 6:56 pm #

    That was supposed to say “branches, bark, and leaves.” Oops!

  5. Jjiraffe February 2, 2011 at 10:38 pm #

    The Japanese have a tradition of “jizo” statues, which is a way of honoring a miscarried child. Peggy Orenstein wrote about this quite movingly in her book “Waiting for Daisy”.

    It sounds like you have a good therapist.


    • bodegabliss February 3, 2011 at 8:44 am #

      Hm, that’s a great idea! Do you think I could find one someplace other than online?

      And I really lucked out with my therapist.

      Thanks for the hugs!

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