During the last few years, February has been a heavy hitter for me. Let’s review, shall we?
February 8th, 2011: Due Date for last pregnancy
February 10th, 2007: Met love of my life
February 11th, 2010: Miscarriage #2
February 16th, 2011: First date with Tim
February 20-something, 2008: Got engaged
So, as you can see, I’ve had a love/hate relationship with this month for the last 4 years. Life changing events have all occurred (or were supposed to occur) during this month, and this is the types of thing I’m convinced can’t be a coincidence. So of course, next week is already shaping up to be a bit intense. On Monday I have therapy, Tuesday is my due-date for my last pregnancy and also when I should be ovulating (go figure), Wednesday is another doctor’s appointment to discuss my test results (where I am bringing in literature of my own research to discuss this) and Thursday is not only the anniversary of when we met, and Friday is the anniversary of our miscarriage. In addition to all of this – and as a result of – Wednesday night Tim and I are going out to dinner to honor the week that it is. The dinner was my idea, but he was into it instantly, despite how he feels about anniversaries. Tim is okay acknowledging our anniversaries in the same way I am, but with the rest of the stuff, he wishes I wouldn’t focus so much on the dates. And he’s not alone in this. I’ve also been told by friends that I should forget the dates as well, and I totally get what they’re saying and even think they’re right…but it’s just not how I’m wired. Especially with the baby stuff.
My therapist has offered a burial ritual of some kind for my next appointment, one to honor the due date the following day, and also to spiritually bury the last baby. With the 2nd miscarriage, we were actually able to bury our little one under a tree by where we had our California wedding. But because I had a D&C with the last pregnancy, there was nothing to bury. This could be a huge reason why this is taking me longer to grieve as I had no feeling of closure. So this is where I need your help: I can’t think of anything to bury. Tim, the botanist that he is, had suggested a fruit of some sort as it’s a ripened ovary and would be a good omen for the future. I loved this idea, except that it’s in the middle of town and there are critters that would most likely dig it up. So do you guys have any ideas? I’m really into the idea of the ritual, but I’m just stuck trying to think of something to bury.
You now might have a clue as to why last week was so hard on me and I just couldn’t handle things I should have been able to handle. This month was not only approaching, it marked the year point of dealing with all of this (actively, anyway). I don’t know if I have it in me if there’s another year coming.