Still not better.

28 Jan

I was planning on writing something else today, finally something not related to the miscarriages; but of course, my friend finally told me himself and I tried my hardest to seem happy for him and his wife, but I failed miserably.  I hate not being able to find joy for those who deserve it.  I hate that more than anything.  It’s not me.  It’s me clouded by grief, and I don’t like that me very much.  And now I’m sitting here at work and the tears keep falling and I can’t think of anything else but my losses.  This is when I don’t like working for men.  These particular men are very understanding, but I know they can’t get it and I’ll just seem pathetic needing to go home because I can’t control my tears.  I hate this.

When is it going to stop?  How do the tears keep coming?  Some days I just don’t know how I’m ever going to get through this.  This week has been a hard week.  I’d like to say that I’m happy it’s over, but I don’t see it getting better in time for next week.

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7 Responses to “Still not better.”

  1. Elphaba January 28, 2011 at 10:15 am #

    I echo your comment that I would come by with a bottle of wine immediately if I could. Where are you? Maybe we can meet in the middle…

    I’m so sorry–this is all just so bloody unfair.

    • Marie January 28, 2011 at 8:34 pm #

      I’m inviting myself to this meeting. I’m in So Cal, which I think means Bodega IS the middle.

      And, um, not to diminish your hope of progress here, but I’m 2.5 years down this road, and when I found out my best friend – who has been with her husband a total of nine years, and totally deserves a baby – was pregnant, I cried for days.

      But, I’m 2.5 years down this road, so there’s also a part of me that is happy for her. It definitely wasn’t like that for the first several pregnancies I had to deal with after my own…

  2. bodegabliss January 28, 2011 at 10:23 am #

    It really is bloody unfair. I’m in Northern California. Sigh. It might be worth the drive, though! Are you in Western, or Eastern Canada? You are in Canada, right? I grew up in Maine. That’s practically Canada!

  3. mommyodyssey January 28, 2011 at 2:53 pm #

    Hey hon-
    I totally understand where you are. I can’t tell you the number of days I couldn’t stop crying about my losses and couldn’t see a light at the end of the tunnel. Until a very brave and smart woman told me that it may be a long road, but I’m already a mommy. No matter how I get there, I’ll eventually have a child (or two or three) to prove it. This was coming from a woman who had been through IF hell, and was on the other side, a happy, stay-at-home mom. She gave me my light at the end of the tunnel. It’s the same one for all of us. Remember that it’s there among the darkness. It’s a long road, but it ends in motherhood. Much love!

  4. Hope January 28, 2011 at 3:16 pm #

    I am so sorry that this week has been so awful for you. Cry as much as you need to. Even if the men you work for don’t understand, you need to cry. I only wish I could offer you a shoulder to cry on.

  5. Betsy January 28, 2011 at 3:47 pm #

    It’s hard to hear, even from a best friend. Especially when you already heard it from someone else. I’m sorry.

    I love your dog!

  6. bodegabliss January 29, 2011 at 11:07 am #

    Thank you for your comments, ladies. They really are like hugs.

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