Sometimes it is so hard to think of a damn title.

25 Jan

I had a very draining session of therapy last night.  I knew it was going to be like that days before I got there; I could feel the weight building up every day that passed prior.  During the session, it became apparent that the trip to North Carolina really forced me to realize I’m not as far along in this grief process as I’m trying to tell myself I am.  Getting out of my comfort zone by leaving for a week and being faced with things I’ve been hiding from for months was really difficult for me.  While I was there I kept noticing that I didn’t even recognize the voice coming out of my mouth any more.  The things I said just didn’t seem like they were coming from me.  I think I’ve just been so inside myself for so long that I’ve lost who I am in all of this.  I’ve been sitting beside myself for a year now, waiting (im)patiently before I can jump back in.

Last night at the session I cried as hard as I did that first night almost a year ago.  The entire day leading up to it, I was just trying to get to 5 o’clock, to when I could let it all out and not have to hold it in any more.  I cried so hard at one point I thought I was going to throw up.  My therapist’s office is the only place I am completely and unabashedly allowed to feel my pain.  It’s the only place I know I’m not being judged.  Not by anyone else, anyway.  It appears I still have to face myself, my biggest critic.  I just can’t seem to show myself the compassion I want so badly for others to show me.  Maybe if I can achieve that on my own, I won’t be seeking it so much from everyone else.  I just don’t know how to get there.  I’m still so angry and clouded by so much pain.

I hate more than anything that our society doesn’t let one grieve.  We’re not conditioned to it; we’re supposed to put on a smile and face the day, shove our problems under the rug and get on with life.  You are looked at as weak if you don’t get over it already.   And I feel that.  I’m so conscious of it and it fucking pisses me off.  That’s why all this weight builds up on me until I get to go to therapy and let it all out.  And then I come out of it so drained.  It’s exhausting.  This is all so exhausting.


9 Responses to “Sometimes it is so hard to think of a damn title.”

  1. mommyodyssey January 25, 2011 at 4:42 am #

    Oh honey – I so understand what you mean and what you’re going through. We are so trained (especially as women in this post-feminist era) to “Be strong” and self reliant, and not show our pain.
    One of the biggest lessons I’ve had over the past few months is how destructive holding that in can be. I’m only now starting to expose my pain to people outside of my therapist. As scary as it was at first – it is a cleansing and strengthening experience. Showing compassion toward yourself is letting things out, and letting them breathe. Not just once a week – but whenever the hell you need to. I still haven’t perfected it (not even close!) but I’m starting to understand how empowering it can be to show weakness (does that make any sense?).

  2. Elphaba January 25, 2011 at 6:33 am #

    I’m so sorry you’re going through this. On top of having to appear strong, I’ve found the effort of “appearing normal” is one of the most exhausting and draining things a person can experience. It’s okay to cry out and allow yourself to grieve-no one is judging you. Hugs.

    • slcurwin January 25, 2011 at 8:56 am #

      The effort of trying to “appear normal” turned me into a pretty angry person at times. I hate what sociaety does to us. Like Elphaba said , let it out. No one here will judge you.

      • bodegabliss January 25, 2011 at 9:36 am #

        Thanks so much, ladies. I can’t tell you what it means to have a support system like this. Actually, I don’t think I have to…I know you feel it, too.

        And something I didn’t include in the my post is that my therapist says it takes a stronger person to be able to experience their grief instead of shove it aside, which is the complete opposite of what society thinks. But it’s true. We’re going against society…that’s not easy.

        Thank you again, everyone. Thank you. I feel like I’ve just been given one big hug.

  3. starfishkittydreams January 25, 2011 at 10:13 am #

    It sounds like you are working really hard to process all of this grief. On top of that you are working hard to maintain normalcy in the face of others. It is exhausting for sure. Sometimes letting it all go can be a great release. Thank goodness for therapy!

  4. Marie January 25, 2011 at 12:21 pm #

    My therapist likes to tell me to “hang out in the sad place.” It is the most counterintuitive thing EVER, but when I can manage it, I really do end up feeling better.

    Good for you for being able to break down in a safe environment. I have no control over when/where I lose it – which is more frustrating, say, in therapy, when I want to but can’t, than it is when I’ve just randomly started crying in public.

    • bodegabliss January 26, 2011 at 9:36 am #

      Well, you’re not alone. I may have wrote this whole post based on the fact that I try and hold it together all day and then let it out in therapy, but there have been quite a few times recently where I’ve had to excuse myself from wherever I am because I need to go outside and cry. But again, I go hide in order to breakdown properly. And why? Because I don’t want to put anyone out because of my sadness or grief. I don’t want to make anyone else uncomfortable. So there we go…it all comes back to society not accepting this and me being uber aware of that fact. I admire you if you can do it wherever you are. Honestly.

  5. Tonya January 25, 2011 at 7:01 pm #

    So sorry for your pain and grief. It is hard to have to bear this in a society that really doesn’t honor and acknowledge the real grief that comes from impossibly hard circumstances.

  6. jana January 26, 2011 at 6:54 am #

    sorry to hear about your losses. I can’t imagine how heartbreaking and painful that would be.

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