I had a very draining session of therapy last night. I knew it was going to be like that days before I got there; I could feel the weight building up every day that passed prior. During the session, it became apparent that the trip to North Carolina really forced me to realize I’m not as far along in this grief process as I’m trying to tell myself I am. Getting out of my comfort zone by leaving for a week and being faced with things I’ve been hiding from for months was really difficult for me. While I was there I kept noticing that I didn’t even recognize the voice coming out of my mouth any more. The things I said just didn’t seem like they were coming from me. I think I’ve just been so inside myself for so long that I’ve lost who I am in all of this. I’ve been sitting beside myself for a year now, waiting (im)patiently before I can jump back in.
Last night at the session I cried as hard as I did that first night almost a year ago. The entire day leading up to it, I was just trying to get to 5 o’clock, to when I could let it all out and not have to hold it in any more. I cried so hard at one point I thought I was going to throw up. My therapist’s office is the only place I am completely and unabashedly allowed to feel my pain. It’s the only place I know I’m not being judged. Not by anyone else, anyway. It appears I still have to face myself, my biggest critic. I just can’t seem to show myself the compassion I want so badly for others to show me. Maybe if I can achieve that on my own, I won’t be seeking it so much from everyone else. I just don’t know how to get there. I’m still so angry and clouded by so much pain.
I hate more than anything that our society doesn’t let one grieve. We’re not conditioned to it; we’re supposed to put on a smile and face the day, shove our problems under the rug and get on with life. You are looked at as weak if you don’t get over it already. And I feel that. I’m so conscious of it and it fucking pisses me off. That’s why all this weight builds up on me until I get to go to therapy and let it all out. And then I come out of it so drained. It’s exhausting. This is all so exhausting.