Please stop.

8 Dec

For those out there that know someone who has miscarried, please know that the very-well known fact that it is common, does not make it okay that we lost our baby. It does not replace the child that was supposed to be.  It does not give us a reason for why we miscarried.  It does not, ever, make us feel okay that we just lost all that we had hoped for. Those so-many-other women who have also experienced it?  They’re mourning as well.  And the fact that we also lost our baby, does not replace their child either.  So please, just stop saying it.  We already know this, and it still doesn’t help.

——

p.s.  The part that does help in all of this, is when we find someone who has experienced a loss and we find support and strength and someone to share our tears with.  But even this doesn’t ever give us our baby back.

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2 Responses to “Please stop.”

  1. Starfishkitty December 9, 2010 at 8:54 am #

    So true! In all of this people can make some of the most offensive and hurtful things. One loss us already too many. Cancer is “common” too, but I would never think saying that would be comforting to anyone diagnosed with it. Oddly I think these comments, as dismissive and invalidating as they are, come with good intentions. They think they are trying to make you feel better. The reality is that most people want to make themselves feel less uncomfortable when they are confronted with the distressing news that a friend is suffering. It still hurts though. : (

  2. bodegabliss December 9, 2010 at 10:12 am #

    You’re totally right, Starfishkitty. And I do feel a little bad about my rant because I do know that they’re just trying to help, and they’re faced with not knowing what the hell to say. I get that, I do. But after hearing for the zillionth time, I just want to scream, you know? And you’re so right about the cancer thing! I think the majority of people tend to forget about miscarriages being a serious medical issue (“issue” is not the right word there, but you get what I’m saying), and just dismiss it because it was “nature’s way of taking care of something that wasn’t right.” BLECH! So is cancer’s nature’s way of taking care of the people that weren’t right? Gah!

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