Days like this.

29 Oct

You would think after last night I wouldn’t be feeling so awful.  But some days are still really bad, the kind where all  I want to do is curl up into a ball and let the tears fall.  I want to cry for the unfairness of it all, for the social awkwardness and for being forced to give up my babies.  I  guess it could be the weather; this rain makes it easy to want to stay in bed and not face the world, to hide from anything or anyone out there that would remind me of what I lost.  Maybe it’s why I don’t seem to want to go out any more.  I’ve been perfectly content staying in every weekend for months now.  All I’ve wanted to do lately is bury myself in flour and eggs; but even on days like this I don’t even want to be in the kitchen.  Right now I want to let the tears fall that I try to hold back the majority of days instead of being out at a bar.  I guess it’s possible the seminar drummed up the emotions I’ve been working so hard to overcome.  As helpful, informative and hopeful as it was, I had to relive the pain and trauma in order to see the cuases and treatments — to remind myself where it all started.  In addition to this, I posted a craigslist ad earlier this week in hopes of starting an informal miscarriage support group and no one responded.  Everyone keeps saying all these women out there have suffered miscarriages, but where are they?  I can look in the direction of an empty parking lot with only one person in it, and that person turns out to be a pregnant woman (it happened), but I can’t seem to find one person locally that knows what this feels like.  All I want to do is reach out to other women who are going through this so maybe they don’t have to feel alone, and I can’t find them.  And if it isn’t obvious, I want to feel less fucking alone in all of this.  Someone to make me realize I’m not the only one being left behind.  Because right now?  It’s what I feel like.  And I just don’t want to feel like that anymore.


4 Responses to “Days like this.”

  1. slcurwin October 29, 2010 at 6:44 pm #

    You just wrote exactly how I feel most of the time. And why is it so hard to reach out to all these women? it’s like they are hiding. “All I want to do is reach out to other women who are going through this so maybe they don’t have to feel alone, and I can’t find them. And if it isn’t obvious, I want to feel less fucking alone in all of this.” It’s exact.

  2. bodegabliss October 29, 2010 at 6:56 pm #

    Isn’t it funny that as much as I don’t want to be alone in all of this, my first reaction in responding to you is “I’m so sorry you’re going through this, to.” Because I am. It just freaking sucks. It is nice to know you feel exactly the same way. Thank you for commenting. It means a lot to me today to get a comment like this.

  3. starfishkittydreams November 4, 2010 at 2:11 pm #

    I wish I had seen your post earlier. I totally know how you feel! I’ve been hiding at home a lot lately too, and preferring it to the social awkwardness of hanging out with friends who don’t know what this is like.

    I attended the Stanford seminar as well and left feeling a bit more depressed than hopeful about it all. I was hoping for more of a warm support group type atmosphere and the event felt very sterile. People were very distant and really avoiding eye contact with each other.

    My reaction was just to feel a bit oversaturated with the topic and just shut down for a bit which is why I took a break from my blogging community. And why I didn’t see your post til now.

    I think it is SO awesome that you were looking to start a support group. I am in the Bay Area, so I’d be interested. I currently attend one that is once a month at Stanford that is specifically for repeat loss as well as a bimonthly Resolve group in Palo Alto. Both groups are great, and I encourage you to consider attending either one if they are at all convenient.

    Remember that you are NOT alone!

    Another tip. Whenever I get a total freakout moment and want instant feedback that I am not crazy I post messages to the community on “The Bump”. It is such an active community that you get responses in minutes. I recommend posting to the TTC after loss group

  4. Linda November 8, 2010 at 6:53 pm #

    All I wish I could do is put my arms around you and just hold you like I did when you were a little girl. I would do anything on this earth to take your pain away and try my best to reassure you that everythibg will be ok. But you are a beautiful woman who longs to have the joy of becoming a mother and you deserve to become one. We have faith it will happen for you and I of all people know it is possible. PLEASE do not give up your hopes and dreams because we are all here for you and send our love to you and Tim always. Please remember we love you so much and will be here for you no matter what!!!

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