Positive schmositive.

23 Oct

Last night I had a dream I was 25 weeks pregnant.  I don’t usually dream about being pregnant, but when I do I’m barely pregnant or I’m 9 months along but don’t even have a belly, so this was a new occurrence for me.  I had a big round belly and I remember thinking “Wow, I made it this far, that’s good.  Only 15 more weeks to go.”  Then right after that discovery, I realized I hadn’t been to the doctor since finding out I was pregnant and I had no confirmation that the baby in me was still alive.  I had this overwhelming feeling that it was dead and even though my belly was big, it had failed regardless; yet I felt compelled to continue thinking positively because maybe it could change the fact that it was already gone.  It’s so funny this positive thinking thing.  I’ve believed for a long time that we have power over our bodies with how we think, but now I just don’t know.  I believed it in the second pregnancy and even managed to continue it in the third.  But it failed both times.  All my positive thoughts did nothing.  My babies still died.  I think that’s where the part of me that feels like I failed comes from, that I did what I was supposed to do, and it still didn’t work.  Even in my dreams I realize that in the big picture, it still doesn’t work if something isn’t right.  I wonder how I will be when I get pregnant again, if it will be a struggle or if I will wonder if it’s even worth it.  I don’t know.  What do you think?  Do you believe in the powers of our mind?  Is there even any proof that it works?   Should I just think I’m doomed from the beginning since thinking otherwise does nothing?  Do you want to slap me yet?

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