I am having a hard time believing that I have to write this post again. I’ve been keeping a secret: I was pregnant again. I was keeping it a secret because I was planning on telling my parents in person that we were pregnant when I went home last week to visit. I was going to tell them I was 10 weeks. Instead, I had to tell them I lost another baby.
Without going into specifics, the baby most likely died somewhere around 6 1/2 weeks. I did see a heartbeat at one point, but it didn’t calm my fears of what ultimately turned out to be true. They did a D & C as soon as we found out; I was 9 weeks, 4 days.
Because I left for the East coast 2 days after I was in the hospital (and a morning after a cyst on my ovary burst), I buried my feelings under my attempt at excitement for seeing my family. I could feel that I should have been more excited than I was, but I just couldn’t get there. I had wanted to tell them I was having a baby that was sticking. I wanted to tell them that I was finally going to give them the grandchild we had been hoping for. But it’s not what I was going to be able to tell them. As soon as I did, I felt a little bit of relief, but it also allowed the sadness to surface. Being surrounded by my family that I want to add to with every ounce of my soul, was difficult. I love my family more than I would ever be able to put words to. They allowed me to be sad. They let me cry on their shoulders when the pain was too much to bear. They let me be happy when I was able to, and didn’t push me to get there sooner than I wanted to.
And they didn’t make me talk about it. I haven’t wanted to talk about it at all. I have a feeling my friends think I’m pushing them away, and I hope they know that that’s not my intent. (Please know that.) I am normally such a talker and reach out to those in my circle, but I just can’t do it this time around. The feelings are the same feelings from 5 months ago. There isn’t much more to talk about. Talking isn’t going to get either of my babies back, and I just don’t see the point. I talked my heart out the first (actual second) time…and I did it enough for this time as well. I am beyond sad. I am numb. I’m not sure where I stand as far as hope and confidence for the next time. I’m hoping it will come back, because right now I can’t see anything.
I never thought I would be this person. 7 months ago, I never would have believed that this is the woman I’d become. I’m a different person entirely. I’m a mother of 2 children that are no longer here. What does that even make me? It’s like I’m stuck between motherhood and the innocence before it. I just don’t know how to feel.
I wrote a few posts while I was pregnant but was keeping them private until I told my parents. I’m going to turn them on now even though they may be painful for some to read (mainly you, Mom). I hope that life starts to live up to title I gave this blog. So far, it couldn’t be farther from the truth.
(I promise I’m not as bad as the tone of this post may lead you to think. I am hanging in there. I don’t wake up crying in the middle of the night like the first time. I can get out of bed and face the day. I’m just trying to figure out what I’m feeling, and today, it’s sadness.)