This week has been a lot harder than I thought it was going to be. I was hoping I would surprise myself like I did with the pregnancy up until now and fill it with positivity. But instead, I’ve woken up every day wondering if this is the day it will end. I hate having these thoughts. I keep trying to push them out of my head, but I’m failing. I feel like I’m just waiting for the inevitable and this is the week it will happen.
I know that’s not logical. Intellectually, I know that. But my heart doesn’t, my heart remembers every second of 7 weeks 5 days that I lost this baby’s brother or sister. My heart is aching for what it lost and is doing everything it can to protect itself from that pain again. Just like that baby, I love this baby with every ounce of me, and all I want is to allow it to grow strong and healthy. There are moments where I just don’t know how I’ll do this, how I’ll make it these next 8 months.
I need to breathe. I know this one is different. Sometimes that gets lost in the muck of my emotions, but that feeling is still there. I only have 4 more days until I can get reassurance, until I can hear that little heartbeat. A heartbeat that will change everything in my life from the very first beat.
Just let me get there. Anyone who has any power in the universe: please, just let me get there.