Superstitions and incomplete sentences.

15 Jun

I’ve been doing really well thinking positively.  I’m surprising myself daily.  And also?  It’s been incredibly easy keeping this private.  It just feels like the right thing to do.  The first time around, I wanted to tell everyone.  I wanted to shout it from the hills in Bodega.  But this time, keeping it between Tim and I is what feels important.  It’s our little secret.  Our wonderful, mind-blowing, insanely exciting and nerve-wracking secret.  I haven’t even felt pulled to write on the blog.  To be honest, most of the time I’m trying to talk myself out of thinking certain things are jinxes.  Even writing on the blog.  It’s so painful to look back on the posts before I lost the baby and see how happy I was…and then to read the aftermath.  I just don’t want to do that again.   Still, thoughts like that prevent me from writing.  The fact that I kept my positive pregnancy test out on the counter for weeks makes me hesitate when I go to put away…when exactly did it get put in the drawer last time?  If I do it sooner, will that jinx it?  It’s ridiculous, I know.  My first appointment is on 7 weeks 6 days, and I feel like I’m jinxing it because it won’t quite be 8 weeks.  When really it will still be 1 day after where I made it before, so that’s something, right?  Then I think that 1 day after is cutting too close, and I want to call the doctor’s and make it for a week later.  I am crazy, I know, I fully admit it.  And why Tim stays married to me is beyond me.  But I can’t help it.   I know that nothing is going to prevent this baby from miscarrying if that is it’s fate and that nothing I do is going to make it stick if it doesn’t want to, so if these stupid little superstitions help me along the way, I’m going to keep doing what I’m doing.  Even if it makes me seem crazy.  Because in a week and 5 days I’ll be further than I got before.  And that milestone is just lingering there. Waiting for us.  And I’m going to make it past it…and then some.  This baby is sticking!

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