I had yet another doctor’s appointment today for the miscarriage that will never end. I hate waiting for the doctor. Why do they bother putting you in a back room only to make you wait for another 20 minutes for the doctor to come and see you? I hate that I’m still in pain, that my body won’t heal. Wasn’t it punishment enough that I lost the child I was carrying, that now I have to still be dealing with the aftermath almost 6 weeks later? The medical assistant who took my blood pressure (and who also happens to be the same man who butchered my arm when he tried to unsuccessfully take my blood a few weeks ago*) said before he was leaving the room, “Oh, you won’t be needing the OB tray” as he lifts the basket and walks out the door, but not before he took a hold of the knife in my heart and jabbed it further in a few more times just to make sure it was securely in there. He had also told me that “Rain” (the doctor) would be in shortly. Are you serious? Rain? At that moment, I wanted to scream at West County. Hold my fists up and curse the hippies and their nonsense want-to-be-medicine. I would have given anything to have been back in Providence where they know a thing or two about medicine. Of course, it turned out I really liked her, even more than my previous doctor, and was secretly devising a plan to get her to be my friend (plus she wasn’t as hippie as her name made her out to be). Still, they don’t know what to do. No one knows what to do except tell me to wait it out. I finally said yes to the pain medication they’ve been trying to give me since this happened, although I’m not sure I”ll try it. And I left the office angry. Furious. Upset at my body, at the doctors, at the entire situation. I want this to be over. I want to feel normal. I want to run until all the pain goes away…but I can’t run because it hurts. I have the constant feeling that someone is holding onto my left ovary and won’t let go as I keep walking. I have an appointment with my acupuncturist on Monday and he’s my last hope. I’ve read good things about eastern medicine being able to shrink cysts, and I’m holding out that it will work. I’m also planning a cleanse after my friend Sara (hi Sara!) comes to visit. Something has to work. Even though at this moment, I feel like I might be in this pain for the rest of my life. I know, that’s not exactly positive thinking. But it’s hard to remain positive when every day the pain is exactly as it was the day before.
On the upside, I was offered full-time with salary today, plus full benefits (health insurance that can’t deny me!)…which means if I’m still in this pain come the time the health insurance kicks in, I can find a specialist or someone who can finally figure this out. And, like I mentioned, Sara is coming to visit in a week! That means I’ll have something to take my mind off my pain for a little while. Plus, all the wine I’m planning on consuming while she’s here can’t hurt.
*he actually said, when he finally took the needle out of my arm “I kept moving it around and I just couldn’t get your vein.” Just picture that for a moment, will you? He stuck the needle in, then just “kept moving it around” like it was a joystick trying to find my vein. Really? REALLY?!