14 Feb

When I started this blog, a part of me feared that I would have to write this post. And here I am, writing the post I didn’t ever want to write. I miscarried on Thursday. I would have been 8 weeks yesterday.

I’m very sad, having a difficult time getting out of bed and facing the world. I know I’ll be okay, I can see that, but right now, I don’t want to be okay just yet. I’m sad and I’m not ready to be anything but.

Thursday was horrible. The cramps didn’t start until later in the day, with a little bit of brown spotting. I was hoping it was going to be okay, I played a good face at work and made it home without shedding a tear. But once I got home and the cramps got worse and the blood went from brown to bright red, I knew it was over. I laid on the couch curled in a ball, waiting for Tim to get home. When I had woke up that morning I had my hands on my belly and had mentioned to Tim that I could feel my pulse in my uterus. I thought it was just the blood going to my baby helping it grow, but I realize now that’s not why the blood was rushing there. Tim was here with me when I passed the tissue our baby. I can’t tell you what that felt like. In between my shaking and sobs, I wanted it all to be a nightmare. This wasn’t how I was supposed to be having our baby, this wasn’t supposed to be happening. Tim has been everything I have needed and more. He has held me in the middle of the night when I couldn’t stop crying. He has forced me to eat when it was the last thing I felt like doing. He has tried to make me smile. If it’s possible, I love him even more after all of this…and it has made me realize just how badly I want to have a baby with him. My doctor has also been beyond amazing. She called me the next morning to check on me because she had been thinking about me all night, and even came to the hospital to be there for me when I had the ultrasound, when she wasn’t even working. I wasn’t sure doctors were capable of being so caring anymore.

Yesterday Tim and I went to a tree in a field at a place that has been special to us, and we buried what was to be our baby. It felt like something I had to do in order to move on, in order to get out of bed. Before I got pregnant, I would say how my body wanted a baby so badly, that it felt empty. That wasn’t empty. I want so badly to still be pregnant, to not feel the grief that I feel right now. I want to look into the mirror and not see my flat-again stomach. I want to be getting fat and still be dreaming of our baby.

I want to not feel so empty.
Advertisements

7 Responses to “”

  1. Megan February 15, 2010 at 2:42 pm #

    I'm so, so sorry, Court. I am hoping for comfort and peace for you guys. And eventually joy again.

  2. Megan February 15, 2010 at 2:43 pm #

    And my spambot word for that last comment was "trite". hm. But I hope you know I mean it!

  3. Jess March 25, 2010 at 10:54 pm #

    Oh honey, I’m so sorry to read of your loss. I don’t know you & maybe my words won’t help. My sister has gone through three miscarriages but in the meantime has also had a beautiful little girl called Regan and is 8 weeks off having her second child. Give yourself time before trying again and remember to take care of yourself emotionally.

    Jess
    xx

    • bodegabliss March 25, 2010 at 11:10 pm #

      Thanks, Jess. I just moved my blog over to WordPress and you’re my first commenter that I don’t know! Welcome! And thanks for your kind words. I hasn’t been easy by any means, and I’m ready for it to be over….but I do still have some hope hidden under all of this anger and frustration. And stories such as your sister’s help.

      (Also, I’ve had a love affair with Australia since I did a report on it in 4th grade. I’m going to make it there someday, and I have a feeling my husband will be quite okay with that, considering he’s a surfer!)

      Congratulations on your babe! Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy!

      Courtney

      • Jess March 31, 2010 at 2:54 am #

        Ahhh! Your hubby is a surfer and you love Australia! Be sure to look us up when you do come over (hopefully my blog will still be going!)… we live in one of the best surf spots in Australia! We’re on the Mornington Peninsula in the south. My fiance is a surfer as well…. somehow we already have four surfboards! 🙂

        Jess
        xx

  4. bodegabliss April 13, 2010 at 8:32 pm #

    Oh boy….you just wait. I believe my husband has about ten surfboards. There may even be more I don’t know about! hehe. 🙂

    Courtney

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. 7 weeks. « Bodega Bliss - July 23, 2010

    […] 7 weeks. June 24, 2010 by bodegabliss This week has been a lot harder than I thought it was going to be.  I was hoping I would surprise myself like I did with the pregnancy up until now and fill it with positivity.   But instead, I’ve woken up every day wondering if this is the day it will end.  I hate having these thoughts.  I keep trying to push them out of my head, but I’m failing.  I feel like I’m just waiting for the inevitable and this is the week it will happen. […]

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s