A final update.

I am sure most of you are aware by now, but just in case, I wanted to put an update here as well…Mo and her husband said goodbye to their beautiful Nadav and induced labor.  I apologize for the late update, it was difficult for me to believe this was real.  I wanted it all to be just a nightmare.

If you have not already done so, please head over to Mo’s recent post, “Nadav,” and leave your love and your support.

I have felt such a lack of words through all of this, in a perpetual state of shock.  There have been some absolutely beautiful posts throughout all of this, proof that our collective hearts could move mountains.

Nadav, Mo and Shmerson, you are so very loved.

Stay tuned for more information on a project we are doing and how you can help.

Update on Mo

They have decided to induce.  Please keep her, her husband and her baby boy in your thoughts and prayers.  She’s feeling it.

The outpouring of support and love has left me speechless.  You women are amazing.

–

(I’m sorry if I have seemed at a loss for words, or strictly business….I’m feeling extremely helpless and incapable in the face of this.  I love her dearly, and to know someone I love like this is in this kind of pain, is almost unbearable.)

 

Mommy Odyssey

Yesterday evening I received some devastating news….Mommy Odyssey‘s water broke just shy of 24 weeks.  They are waiting to see if the water replenishes, but chances are they will have to induce tomorrow and her sweet baby boy will not make it.

Please send her some love via her contact page:  http://mommyodyssey.wordpress.com/contact-me/ or by commenting in her most recent post.

She is someone that I consider a dear friend, and my heart has been broken into a thousand pieces for her.  We can’t take away her pain or make this all go away, but we can give her all the love we possibly have.

As soon as I have an update, I will post it here.

Courtney

 

2 years.

Two years ago today, on February 11th, 2010, my life dramatically changed.  In the matter of an hour, the innocence I had once held, was stolen from me in a rush of blood.  I went on to experience an all-encompassing grief that I had yet to know.  It’s taken me two years and two additional losses to even come close to recovering from that night.  And in many ways, I know I never fully will, nor do I want to.  It’s too much a part of who I am now.  Of who I’ve become.

I had lost a pregnancy prior to then, but I lost it before I even knew there was something to lose.  And for me, that made all the difference in the world.  I was sad, but was able to move on quickly because I figured it was just a fluke.  As soon as I got that positive pregnancy test that next January, the hope of what was to come, took me over.  We were going to have a baby.  Everything else that had once mattered, no longer did.  That was it.  And now as I look to becoming pregnant for the fifth time in the next coming months, that hope that was once there has been been squashed, trampled, twisted and abused.  Left out in the cold and unloved.  I fear hope possibly more than I fear another loss.

Because with hope, the fall is so much further.

But it creeps in, no matter how hard I push it away.  That’s what happens when you want a family with every ounce of your soul.  Hope is a resilient little thing, constantly finding the cracks in your hand-built cement wall.

Except I’m onto you, hope.  I know you change forms and wear masks.  I know that if hope of a baby of our own doesn’t happen, that the hope will change paths.  I will create an entirely new hope for an entirely different road, one that might bring happiness in a different form.  That’s the difference between now and then, that’s what 2 years and 4 losses has given me.  And if the hope of a baby from Tim and I is taken away for a fifth time, I’ll be ready to follow it in a new direction.  I’ll succumb to the loss of this dream for the chance of a new one.  I wasn’t ready two years ago today.  I wasn’t ready to face a plan that was bigger than my plan.  I wasn’t ready to let go.

I’m proud of the woman this experience has forced me to become.  I’m stronger and more compassionate – not just of others, but finally, of myself.  I’ve learned to let go of the control in this space, I finally know it’s out of my hands.  And if that took two years and four losses to get to, I’m thankful for it finally arriving.

Because there is a plan bigger than my plan.  And I’m ready to believe in it.

Two incredible women who advocate on our behalf.

Jjiraffe just posted her second installment of her Faces of Adoption/Loss/Infertility series.  This time she shares the story of Sarah, from A Child To Call Me Mama — who after battling Stage IV endometriosis and the loss of her right ovary and tube, as well as years of heartache, finally ends up with a happy ending.  Please go and read this story.  Jjiraffe is trying to get over 1,000 visits to this piece in hopes that the real story behind adoption, loss and infertility can be heard.  Even if you’re not a direct part of this community – even more so! – please take the time to read it:

http://jjiraffe.wordpress.com/2012/02/07/faces-of-adoptionlossinfertility-sarah-in-three-acts/

And after you’ve done that, if you haven’t yet read the first installment of the series (featuring yours truly), you can do so here.  With this piece, a whole shift in my way of thinking changed.  She gave me something I had been trying to achieve ever since my first devastating loss.  I only hope her most recent piece has a similar effect on Sarah, because that’s what sharing these stories from her amazing series can do — they can heal hearts.  They have the power to make those women going through this in the dark feel less alone.  They can make those that have no experience in loss or infertility, finally understand what it’s like.  Women who have gone through something like this can finally get the compassion they need.

So what are you waiting for?  Go read it.

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And now for another woman who is making a difference in our little corner of the universe: Keiko Zoll of Hannah Wept, Sarah Laughed and Words Empowered.  A little while ago I entered a contest she was having as a way to promote her new launch of Words Empowered.  I won the “Follow Your Passion Prize Pack” and it couldn’t have come at a better time.  This morning Tim calls me from the post office asking if I can meet him at our gate because he has something I might want.  And this was what I discovered inside the package:

What a nice surprise to get today!  I am so excited to delve into these books and fill the pages of the journal (the photo above).  Keiko is an incredible advocate for the people in the ALI community.  She is a force to be reckoned with….who, coincidentally, is just who you want on your side when you’re battling this hell that is ALI.  And next month she will be launching The Infertility Voice, what looks to be an online resource center for infertility.  I’d go ahead and bookmark that right now, because knowing Keiko, it’s going to be incredible.

Case in point – this is the note she inscribed to me in one of the books:

” Live w/ abandon.
Live fearlessly.
Live w/ joy & honor.
Live like it matters.”

- Keiko Zoll

Doesn’t she sound like someone you want to follow?  I feel so honored to “know” both of these women, Jjiraffe and Keiko, one in real life and one from this community of ours.  They are the women giving us a voice when we have trouble finding our own.  They are the ones giving us the energy to fight and make our stories heard.  They are the ones that we want leading us through this place we never wanted to be.  We’re so lucky to have them.

Thank you, Jjiraffe and Keiko, for everything you’ve done and for everything I know you will continue to do.  You rock.

A song for you.

I was just in the car and the song that inspired my post title the other day came on on my iPod.  As I sang along, I realized I needed to share it with you here in case you hadn’t heard it before.

I love The Bens.  Well, that’s not entirely true.  I used to love Ben Folds until he was an ass to my friend’s band back in 2002, then I had to stop liking him.  (Although have you ever heard that song Gracie?  Oh my.  If that song doesn’t make your ovaries quiver, you’re a cold and heartless woman and I want nothing to do with you.*)  Ben Kweller, however, has been on constant rotation on my stereo computer iPod for over 10 years now (check out his Changing Horses album – listen to Sawdust Man and Gypsy Rose – it’s one of the best albums of 2009…and of course, there’s Sha Sha which is classic Ben Kweller), and Ben Lee is just the cutest.  He can sing to me in that accent any day (although, I do have to admit his albums are kind of disappointing….I think they’re just a little too pop-y sweet for me).

Anyway.  Here it is.  The soundtrack to your pretending.

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* This, of  course, is aimed more towards those of us not in the hell that is RPL and Infertility, because obviously everything under the moon makes our ovaries quiver.  But also, should you be in a dark and twisty place at the moment, consider this a warning — DO NOT go looking for that song, or you may never come out of the blackness.